A letter…

30 08 2010

It high time I wrote a letter to the Head Trainer at All Star  Fitness so I sat down with some tea at Starbucks and hand wrote the following:

Robbie,

This letter is long in coming. I spent hours wondering how to put down in words the life changing experience I’ve had since walking through the doors of Allstar Fitness back in april of this year. The beginning is probably the best place to start. December 29th 2009 I decided I had had enough of living the life laid out before me. I weighed 263.5 pounds. I was depressed and my life had come to a screeching halt. I had just celebrated my 40th birthday and I realized if I didn’t start to move and move with purpose, I wasn’t going to have too many more chances to get my life back.

December 30th I began to move. It wasn’t much, but it was more than I was used to. I took stairs instead of elevators. I parked as far away as possible from buildings and began walking on my lunch breaks. I began to eat consciously and slowly the weight came off. This was a fight to save my life. I promised myself that I would take the first 30 pounds off myself, then join a gym. The day the scale said 233.5 I walked into Allstar. I’ve never been a  card-carrying member of a gym before and to say I was intimidated would be an underestimation of how I really felt.

With the membership came the free assessment with the trainers and after acclimating myself for a few weeks I took the plunge and set my first appointment with Kent (Superman). I hear stories about people having bad experiences with trainers and having to try a few out before finding the right match. I never had that problem. Kent and I hit it off right away. He saw something in my that I never saw in myself: Potential. Kent is very much a “get down to business” kind of trainer. I am very much a “get down to business” kind of person. We made a great team and over the course of two months he helped me lose an additional 20+ pounds. He set a fire inside of me to become what I was born to be: an athlete.

Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond both of our control I had to transfer my remaining sessions to another trainer in June. Kent had set the standards pretty high so I had to be firm with my choice. I’d been watching trainers for a few weeks knowing a choice had to be made. One particular trainer caught my eye: Chuck Carone (Godfather). Every morning I would watch him with his clients and I knew I needed to be a part of his team. By the end of our first session together I knew I wouldn’t need to keep looking for a new trainer. Kent set the fire to become an athlete. Chuck has made me an athlete.

Chuck sees in me things I never knew possible. He sees strength and determination. He sees me as a stronger, fitter, faster person. I’ve been with Chuck for close to 2 months. When we first started training together I weighed 213 pounds. As of this letter I weigh 183 pounds. I am stronger today than I have ever been. When I didn’t believe in myself, Chuck believed in me. When my thoughts are full of “I can’t”, Chuck shows me that I can. When I am tired and cranky and dragging my feet into the gym at 6am for our session, he is full of energy and has a smile and enthusiasm that is contagious. I don’t know how other people feel about Chuck, but he has become an extremely important person in my life. A coach. A trainer. A mentor and a friend.

In all honesty he not only makes me want to become a better athlete; he makes me want to become a better person.

There are very few people who I look to as role models and even fewer people I aspire to be. Chuck is easily on the top of both of those lists.

~ Tara Martin


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So Many Changes…

1 07 2010

I’ve got so many thoughts going through my head I had to actually make a bullet list on paper to make sure I kept the scrambled mess in some sort of cohesive order. I’m using the computer at the library and have about 50 minutes to get all this out onto this blog before some crazy ass flashing light comes up on the screen and tells me to vacate the premises. I’m here for two reasons: One to get used to taking advantages of the free services my local library offers and two because I owed a $.20 fine from the last books I checked out. Go me for making sure my fines are paid!

Okay so first train of thought: I am ready to make the switch from Superman to Coach Chuck. It was a hard decision to come to but I feel okay with the process. I still don’t know what is going on with Superman but I’ve gotten word that he is alive (I did have my doubts) and since no one knows when he is coming back, I’ve decided it’s time I move on. I didn’t make the decision purely based on Superman disappearance  but also on what I think Coach Chuck can offer me over the course of the next three months. I’ve trained with him twice and how he talks to me is a big factor in making the final decision. He uses words I need to hear now. Words that I’ve used since the beginning of  journey. He says things like “Your body wants this”, “this is all a mental game, don’t let the mind control what the body wants”, “You want this? You work for it”. In just the two times we’ve worked together he has pushed me to what I thought were my limits and then he pushed me past them. Both Superman and Coach Chuck are all business but there is something else in Coach Chuck that I didn’t find in Superman and that’s a desire to push as hard as possible and then push again because everything is possible.

I seriously wanted to throw up after 10 minutes of our 60 minute session. It’s a series of what I can only describede as some crazy form of crossfit stations that go something like this:

(all 45 seconds each station)

  • Bench Press
  • Bench Squats
  • Kettle Ball Throw
  • Core Knee Pulls (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach)
  • Vertical Jumps (alternating left/right position) onto step
  • Hopscotch Ladder
  • Forward Bench Press with Suspension Straps
  • Row with Suspension Straps
  • Full Squats with Suspension Strap
  • Core Alternating Knee Pulls with Suspension Straps (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach alternating left/right – kind of like riding a bike)
  • Vertical Forward Jumps onto step
  • Criss Cross jumps on Hopscotch Ladder

That is one round. Repeat for three rounds then curl up on the floor like a baby and that is what we did today. He’s all about endurance training and I am all about building that endurance. I’ll take the necessary steps to transfer my trainings over and forge a new relationship with a new trainer. Now to come up with a superhero name…

Train of thought number two: I ran for six miles yesterday. A new distance record for me as I work to run longer and faster. It took me 1:19:00. It’s the first run I’ve actually been disappointed with since the start of my running adventures. I was disappointed because half way through the run (and the farther point away from my destination I hit a rock right in the middle of my heel while wearing my vibrams. It made for a painful situation. One where I had to stop and consider how I was going to get back to where I was going. I had to walk for a little bit but it’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to run. the entire time I was walking that damn recorder was playing in my mind. Telling me I’ll never be a runner. Telling me I’ll never run fast. Telling me I’ll never make it to a half-marathon let alone a full marathon. It took a lot of effort to get my feet to move faster than a walking pace. Eventually it happened and I finished the route. I shouldn’t be disappointed. I should be jumping up and down for joy at having surpassed my last run by a mile. I should be patting myself on the back for mustering up the willpower to keep running. All these “I should” and yet I still walked away disappointed. I’m not sure if this ties in with my recent employment situation but it has been a depressing conversation in my head. One that just shouldn’t be allowed to exist. I remember crying and hugging myself after running for 5 minutes straight (and maybe 1/4 of a mile) and thinking how awesome it was and yet yesterday I wasn’t good enough after running for almost 55 minutes straight and clearing close to 4.5 miles before stopping due to an injury to my heel.

I have a lot of emotional work still.

Train of thought number three: I have seen 199 enough this week that I am confident it will happen on OWiS #27. Barring a massive salt intake or TOM it will happen and I am ready to enter a new phase of this journey. I’ve lost almost 65 pounds since January and for the first time in my adult life I like the way my body looks. I am moving away from this being a weight loss journey and moving towards this becoming a journey of strength. I am confident in this new phase the weight will continue to come off my body but it won’t be the focus any longer. I’m going to move away from stable exercises like the elliptical and stationary bikes and move toward less stable exercises (swimming, weight training, outside biking, spin class, running and endurance training). The stable exercises helped me lose the first 65 pounds. Unstable exercises will not only help me lose the next 35 pounds but will also make me leaner, stronger and much more fit.

That’s what I want.

That’s what I’m going to get.

Seeing 199 on the scale has been monumental. I don’t feel fat anymore. I don’t see myself as fat either. I see the small pudge in my stomach or the under arm flabbiness and I think “it’s only a matter of time” because while I look in the mirror and see my stomach/under arms I also see the  muscles in my thighs. I see my biceps and I see new part of my body one: my collar-bone. I didn’t see those things 6 months ago, but I see them today.  Hard work, sweat and a gazillion tears are paying off by giving me the body that I was born to have. The body I abused for the last 25 years has accepted my apology and is moving forward business as usual. If I can do this in six months…

Think what can be accomplished in a year.

Fourth train of thought: All is okay in my world. Last Wednesday everything came crashing down around me as I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I’ve had a few panic moments and one fight with my husband (as to be expected I guess) but a week later, I am doing okay. My interpreter friends have helped me tremendously in giving me contact information for various opportunities. I thank them and the universe for looking out for me. There isn’t much work out there (Summer is always slow) but there is work and I will find it.

There are some plans being jostled around in my head that while I want to share with the world, I need to just sit on them for a bit longer before making any sort of commitment. These ideas include leaving the profession of interpreting and venturing off into a new career. One that would require me to go back to school after 10 years. I am building a stronger body, now I also need to think about building a stronger brain. I see the change that can happen in people and I want to be a part of the change. I want to be the catalyst to that change. No not want, need. It’s time to refocus what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up and it’s time I make it a reality.

This is one crazy ride and I’m glad I got on!





Coach Chuck

22 06 2010

I really want to read everyone’s blog right now but also want to post about my upcoming appointment on Friday. There is no word yet on Superman as of today (Tuesday). So I’ve decided to go ahead and schedule a session with another trainer for this coming Friday. I knew who I had in mind so it was just a matter of approaching and asking for a session.

<—- This is Coach Chuck (I’m not giving him a super hero name since I have no idea what’s happening with Superman). He’s pretty much the bee’s knee’s when it comes to trainers. I’ve watched him now for several months and if things weren’t so awesome with Superman, he’d be my next pick. I approached him today and reiterated that while I’m not jumping ship, it has been almost a month since my last training session and I’d like to at least do something while waiting to hear the outcome of Superman‘s situation. He agreed and so we set something up for Friday. Coach Chuck is a great guy and I’m really happy that he’s willing to do these interim sessions until further notice. He even agreed to not charge me since I bought the sessions thinking I was going to be with Superman.

Hello Mr Awesome Trainer!

Here’s the snippet on Coach Chuck:

Work Experience-
• 20 years- Physical Education Teacher, and Coach
• 25 years- Kenpo Karate
• 12 years- High School Club Volleyball Coach
• 5 years- Athletic Club Manager and Personal Trainer
• 4 years- High School/College Volleyball Referee

Specialization-
• Nutrition & Menu planning
• Cardiovascular Conditioning
• Increasing Flexibility
• Weight Loss Management
• Strength & Conditioning
• Personal Motivation
• Balance, Agility, Coordination

Education/Achievements-
• NASM- Certified Personal Trainer
• 5th Degree Black Belt-Kenpo Karate
• 4 time High School-Volleyball, COACH OF THE YEAR!
• CPR/AED Certified

and his Philosophy:
I believe a trainer’s job is more than to just instruct their clients on proper body alignment, nutrition, and the correct use of equipment. A trainer should be a life coach; someone who cares about the whole person, not just their physical body. As a Trainer, I try to understand my client’s lifestyle; their likes, dislikes, their background, and their goals. I then model their training with those elements in mind. My goal is to first understand, then teach, inspire, and motivate. My background as a coach has taught me that lasting change does not come when you tell a person what to do, but only when you teach them how to do it. My goal, during the time I spend with my clients, is to design a program that they can enjoy and teach them how to take positive steps towards lasting changes; to teach them life skills that will last a life time…

Yhea, pretty much rockstar right there.

So Friday it is, unless Superman says something different.





New classes / The run that almost wasn’t / Superman

21 06 2010

I made some immediate goals for this past weekend. One was to spend at least 90 minutes at the gym both Saturday and Sunday. The other was to try the some new classes offered at the gym. To know me is to know I don’t do well in social situations. I avoid them like the plague. But this strange thing is happening now that I’ve been on this LCJ for almost six months.

I kind of don’t want to avoid them anymore.

I kind of want to be around people now. I’m not looking to have some serious parties at my house anytime soon, but I am definitely interested in spending more time with the masses. I am what is typically known as a “parallel player”. If you’ve  ever watched a group of children play house and notice one child sort of playing in the same area but separately from the group (maybe playing a one child version of house) and they do it often, they would be “parallel players”.  Most children grow out of it. I however, did not. I can go to Starbucks alone for hours and sit amongst the people. Sit with someone and it’s over in about 30 minutes. I can go to the mall and roam around for endless hours. Go shopping with me and maybe I’ll hit one store. I spend far too much time wondering about the logistics of the visit (how long, when is it over, what do we talk about) that I often don’t enjoy the visit. Some of my friends are very good at having structured visits but even those are few and far between.

I am ready to move out of my comfort zone.

It wasn’t even really a comfort zone I guess. More of a prison with the walls built out of Depression / Anxiety / Self Loathing. So it’s time I start to look into improving my social skills. Since I am comfortable at the gym (again a great parallel play situation) I thought I’d start there. I picked two classes happening last Sunday back to back: Step and Yoga.

The Step class was pretty awesome. Fast paced and not a whole lot of opportunity to shake anyone’s hand and say “Hi my name is Tara and I’m trying to be social”. I got some good laughs with the woman in front of me as we both stuggled to keep up with the moves. I did place myself in the back (I’m assuming that’s where the newbies go) so that also made it harder to interact but I was there and I stayed for the entire class (Go me!).

The Yoga class was even better. I did this class a few weeks ago but put myself way in the back of the room. It had a fill in instructor that week. I ventured a little closer to the front this time (not too close though) but the  regular instructor had everyone move up into a straight line right up front (GULP!) and then she asked if anyone was new to Yoga which I raised my little non-social hand. The woman next to me introduced herself and said she’d been doing Yoga for years so to ask if she had any questions.

Ninety minutes later I was done and had just participated in two successful classes. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t spend the entire time wondering what everyone else was thinking. I didn’t wonder about what I was going to say if someone approached me. I didn’t wonder if I was doing something wrong. I didn’t obsess over the clock. I participated to the best of my abilities.

I just was.

And it was awesome!

_____________________________________________________________

I’ve been having a mental block about running lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I’m quickly loving it more and more with better weather and more time to actually get out there and “kiss the earth” (Thanks Jess!). I’ve broken in my vibrams and within the first week of actually running in them I ran a 5k without stopping (first time ever). My mental block is with distance. I’ve been stuck at that 3.1 mark and too afraid to go past it. I can’t really explain why but for weeks now I’ve been mentally trying to break free from the 5k length.  I’m watching all my other VBB(s) that took up running and I see them adding more miles to their runs and I’m wondering why I can’t do the same.

Last night after reading Ed’s blog (Monday315) and his 10 mile running challenge I started really examining that mental block. I just needed to get out there and run past the 3.1 in much the same way I needed to run to the 3.1 when I first started the c25k program. I need to know I’m not restricted to just doing a 5k. I need to know I can go farther. No let me rephrase that I have to know. So last night I mapped out a route that would not only take me past 3.1 but would put me pretty far from my starting point once I hit that 3.1 mark. I’ve gone farther in the past but there was a lot of walking involved. I don’t want to walk anymore. I want to run and run the entire time.

I went to bed with the anticipation of kicking this 3.1 in the ass.

I woke up sore as hell.

My 120 flights of stairs  a few days previous and attempt at being social caught up to me and my calves had a different idea about running past that mental block. Bummed out I went to the gym with the notion of just doing something low key for an hour and then heading into work.

I hopped on the treadmill and thought “well I’ll just walk” for a bit. About 10 minutes into the walk, it donned on me: MY CALVES DON’T HURT! It didn’t take me but a quick wave to the lady at the front desk and a exclamation of “I’ll be back in about an hour” and I was out the door. I had the route laid out (starting point – gym – smart Tara) so it was just a matter of shutting my brain off and turning my legs on.

I shut that brain off.

I turned those legs on.

I ran 5.0 miles.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t complain. I just did it. I drifted in and out of thinking about what I was doing (more out than in lol) and it was delicious. Once I hit that 3.1 mark I knew the only thing I could do was keep running. I’m not a walker. I’m a runner. I woke up this morning and ran 5.0 miles. I didn’t walk/run. I ran. Once I made my way back to the gym: I cried.

I’m sure everyone in the gym thought something was wrong, but I was crying because I broke that mental block. I was crying because I wanted something and I went out and got it!

GAME ON!!!

Every time I run I won’t be thinking about that 3.1 number anymore. I’ll be thinking about better numbers: 10k, 12k, half marathon and beyond!

_____________________________________________________________

I haven’t heard from Superman since he canceled last Friday. In fact, no one has heard from him. This can’t be good. I talked with another trainer and he said if I come in and he’s not with a client he’ll do a session with me. I’m not looking to switch and leave Superman, but it has been almost a month since our last session together. Granted much of that time was vacation related but he’s never not called before so I’m thinking something serious has come up. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow I’m going to set up an appointment with Chuck for Thursday. From there we’ll just play it by ear until we know whether or not Superman is coming back.





Pre OWiS #25 week in review!

18 06 2010

It’s that time again.

Time where I review my week in anticipation of tomorrow OWiS. This will be #25 since starting this journey. This week has seen some great accomplishments and yet tonight I feel out of sorts. I was supposed to meet with Superman today but he had to cancel at the last minute. With the both of us being on vacation we’ve not been able to get together for just under three weeks. I was really looking forward to today but understand his need to cancel. So tonight I’m feeling a little let down and trying not to get all bummed out and what not.

Lets get to the good stuff!

Saturday: I ran my second 5k and got a personal best time of 37:00. Here are some of the pictures from the race!

Sunday: I started breaking in my Vibrams with a short one mile run on the treadmill (fastest mile thus far). I also signed up for a 10k that was scheduled to happen July 17th but as with all new runners we have to remember to double-check our schedules and NOT just willy nilly sign up for races. I did, and then realized I have prior work engagements. CRAP! No worries though, that 10k will happen and it will happen soon!

Monday: Ran two miles in my vibrams!

Tuesday: Found out I have a bounce in my step and can unequivocally declare I am no longer a “functioning depressed” person. I also ran 2.8 miles in my vibrams.

Wednesday: Was the first of two cancellations by Superman this week. Big bummer on my side. I took it as a sign from the Universe to take a rest day and catch up on my sleep. 11 hours worth of zzz’s was totally worth it.

Thursday: Took my vibrams out and ran a personal 5k. From Saturday to Thursday I ran a total of 12 miles. Not bad for a fat chick that couldn’t run a block to save her life back in January. Oh I also got some swag and had a kick ass N(on) S(cale) V(ictory).

Today: I got the second cancellation from Superman. He left me a really nice message apologizing profusely and to not give up on him. Funny, I never would have thought working out with me meant that much to him. I feel sad that he has to keep canceling because I know he feels bad and I know it’s for medical reasons. This is the kind of guy I would go out and drink beers with, talk about fishing or go to monster trucks with so I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.  Barring some horrific medical problem (I hope I didn’t just jinx him) I’m sure he’s not going anywhere either.

So there is my week in review. Ten-toed Charlie hasn’t really moved that much for me this week. I can’t say for sure whether there will be a loss or not. Up until this morning there wasn’t enough of a change to write home about.  Regardless of what TTC says I’m thrilled with the running mileage and even more thrilled to be wearing my sock monkey Christmas pajamas (which I will probably wear every day until I turn 50)

See you all in the morning!





Looking back at May / Superman / NRD coming up…

31 05 2010

If I’ve learned anything while on this journey it’s the following: Be patient with yourself. Some days you’re going to feel like you’re zipping along at 150 mph and nothing can stop you. Other days you’re going to feel like getting out of bed is an emotional chore that you just can’t seem to accomplish.

May was like that for me.

I’ve had some very tough days in May. Particularly the week my brother was in the hospital and this last week. It was hard to remember the “Be Patient with Yourself” rule as I muddled through the weeks crying,  spending endless days at the hospital, looking at a stranger in the mirror and getting hurt. Even though I didn’t feel like I was being patient, I survived both weeks a stronger person with much more clarity about what this journey means to me.

I’m ending May on a positive note.

I walked a half marathon. I ran a total of 19 miles (not including the 13.1 mile walk). I swam 800 laps (11.4 miles). I donated 6 bags of clothes to a local charity. I ran my first 5k almost 3  minutes faster than anticipated. I lost 10.6 pounds. I kept moving even when I didn’t think I could. I went to the gym even if it meant I cried in the car first and I’ve learned that I might go in feeling like crap, but always come out feeling better.  I left a lot of sweat on the floor of the gym and I’m looking to leave even more come June.

A lot more!

There are some major changes coming in June. The first and foremost is my work schedule will be much more manageable starting tomorrow. Gone are the days of working 52+ hours/week. Gone are the days of getting up between 430a – 5a to get to the gym before work. Gone are the days of coming home exhausted with just enough energy to eat, pack my gym bag and crawl into bed.

I worked so much because it defined who I was a person.

I’m going to try and change that way of thinking over the summer. I’m going down to 32 hours a week and keeping my current afternoon work schedule (1-7 most days) so that my mornings will be free. I will be running more. I will be swimming more. I will be biking more. I will begin training for the September triathlon. I will give 200% every time I see Superman. Work will no longer be the only thing that defines me as a person. My strength, my determination and my sheer desire to be a better person will also define me. If I thought I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror last week…

You can bet I won’t recognize myself by the end of August either.

_____________________________________________________________

Superman.

kicked my ass.

I needed it.

But.

I kicked his too.

About half way through our session he had me do an iron chair squat. Its where you stand against a wall and then squat down in an imaginary chair with your arms straight out. He says “go one minute or as long as you can”. It hurt almost immediately. I don’t know how the hell I managed to stay in that position for a full minute but I did.

I thought we would do it once.

He said again.

I squat down and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t going to last a minute. Every time I dropped my arms he would just look at me and say “Don’t give up”. My legs are shaking. The sweat is pouring off of me. A minute feels like an eternity.

Sixty seconds later I slide down to the floor.

He said again.

I just looked at him like he was crazy. He smiled and said “you got this”. Up I go and into position. The entire time he’s watching me like he’s got something to tell me.  At 30 seconds he starts a countdown. At 30 seconds I start to wonder if he’s going to ask me to do this a fourth time. At 20 seconds I’ve got snot running down my nose (so classy) and I’ve closed my eyes cause I just don’t want to quit. At 10 seconds I start to think “WTF” shouldn’t it be over by now. He’s sitting across from me and counts down 5…4…3…2…1. I relax my legs and slump to the floor. I curl up in what I’m sure was pretty close to the fetal position and he said the following: “No one, I’ve ever trained has ever gone three rounds, for three minutes on their first time…no one!”

I aim to please.

_____________________________________________________________

Wednesday is National Running Day. Lots of people have entered my first giveaway in honor of NRD. I too will be running. As much as my ankle will let me. I managed to get in a 15 minute run this morning at the gym and it was feeling pretty good. WednesdayI’m just going to get on the treadmill and let my ankle decide what we’re doing.

If you haven’t signed up for my bag of goodies, then get on it. You only have two more days left. If you have then go to Seattlerunnergirl’s blog and enter there too. That’s right two kick ass girls giving away two kick ass prizes!





Listening to the universe…

27 05 2010

I’ve had a bad week.

I am overwhelmed by so many things right now I’m having a difficult time seeing anything good in what I’m trying to do as a person, a wife, a friend, an athlete and as someone trying to lose weight. I don’t know if it’s because I crossed over the fifty pound mark or because I’m thinner today than I have been since my mid twenties. I don’t know if it’s because I no longer medicate myself with paxil or don’t delve into World of Warcraft for eight hours in hopes of riding through an emotional upheavel. I don’t know if it’s because of the pressure to make the right choices and keep moving forward or because I’m stressed about a portion of my work coming to an end for the summer. I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling weak when I go to see Superman lately or if it’s because I just feel like I’m not doing enough.

Whatever the reason, I am at a breaking point.

I’ve been crying everyday.

When I get up.

When I leave the house.

When I get to the gym.

When I get to work.

When I’m driving home.

I feel like I’m pushing myself just to function. This is not where I want to be right now. However, it is where I am and unless I do something about it, nothing is going to change. I should have listened to the Universe last Tuesday once the gate to the cryfest was opened but I didn’t, so today Universe stepped in again…

I got hurt.

I was at the gym today with Superman and wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing and rolled my ankle. Bad enough that I heard a “pop” when I went down in a tangled mess of clumsiness. I probably should have stopped right there and ended the session. I didn’t. We took it easy the rest of the time but my ego was just as hurt and I didn’t really evaluate the pain in my right ankle as closely as I should have. Now it’s swollen, painful and doesn’t look to be getting any better any time soon.

Ummmm thanks Universe?

As I was crying in the gym shower, I realized I need to take a break. My life is too hectic right now and I’m not finding pleasure in anything. Not even the gym which is usually where I find the most comfort. As hard as it is for me to say this, I need to step back, unplug and relax. Just thinking about it upsets me. Not because I think it’s the wrong thing to do but because I’m trying so hard not to beat the crap out myself emotionally for taking a few days to recoup / reevaluate / readjust.

I feel like I’m giving up but that doesn’t make any sense.

If someone wrote the exact same thing or told me they were going to take a few days off to get back to a strong mental state of awareness I would think “That’s spot on! That’s exactly what I would do”. But here I am and my mind is screaming “Weak! Lazy! Told you, you couldn’t! You’ll never lose another 50!”

I can’t get it to shut up.

I know I will survive this episode. It’s a part of the healing process, the learning process and the process to moving on. Today it just sucks. Instead of trying to cover up what I’m feeling, I’m going to do my best to embrace it. I am going to unplug. I am going to relax and I am going to recover.

Here’s the plan:

  • I am not going to the gym until Monday. I don’t care if it kills me and if Stinkin Thinking Tara wants to kick and scream all day in my head and call me names I don’t give a flying fuck. If I do go to the gym it will be to check out the Yoga on Sunday at 1030a. That’s it!
  • I am going to unplug from the rest of the world. No blogging until Monday.
  • I will not have a weigh in on Saturday.
  • I will not log my food (though I will stay conscious at all times).
  • When I wake up in the mornings, I will stay in bed for at least another 30 minutes.
  • I will nap at least once this weekend
  • I will allow one indulgence this weekend (once I figure out what my definition for indulgence is).
  • Every time I look in the mirror I will say something positive about what I’ve accomplished in the last 5 months.
  • I will ice my ankle and do what is necessary to heal properly.
  • I will not talk bad about the injury.

That’s the plan.

What’s yours?

See you later Monday!