Therapy and clothes shopping…

10 02 2010

Therapy

First off life changes doesn’t just mean making better food choices and moving more…it’s about getting to the core of the issues. I’ve been back in therapy now for a few weeks. The past few times have just been about getting to know each other and establishing my relationship tree with the people in my life. Easy peasy…until today.

I didn’t have a good morning today prior to therapy. I got up with the intentions of walking the dogs and then trying out the new workout dvd(s) I got from the library. I got up and checked my Facebook instead. Why I do that when I know I won’t feel good about it afterwards I’m not sure. Now there isn’t time to walk the dogs and do the dvd so I opt for the dvd. It was the kick boxing for dummies and it just didn’t work for me. I moved awkwardly and couldn’t keep up with the steps. My frustration level is creeping up at this point. I’m mad at myself for being on the computer. I’m mad at myself for not keeping up with the dvd.

<insert “you can’t do anything right” voices>

I go to see my therapist and for the first time in a long time I actually tell someone how I’m feeling. Most of the time I just say “I’m fine” but since my husband has repeatedly told me that I clearly wear my emotions on my face, it wouldn’t do me any good to try and get around how I was feeling this morning.

It was a tough hour. I cried. I let myself cry for being so hard on myself when there is no need. I cried because I so want to unplug from my laptop and find it difficult. I cried at being frustrated for always looking at the negative instead of looking at the positive. I cried because after 40 years of this learned behavior this too has to change.

I have a mantra “Today is only 24 hours. Tomorrow is another day”. I tell this to everyone except myself. I allow one small thing to become about disappointment and failure to follow through. An hour on the computer means I will never walk the dogs again. Feeling disappointed at today’s attempt with the workout dvd means I’ll never reach my goal of losing weight.

If I heard someone else talking like this I’d seriously punch them in the neck for such crazy talk.  I’m sure someone else would punch me in the neck if they heard me talk like this about myself but since this is an internal battle no one hears this stuff but me.

Until I put it out here.

Today is only 24 hours. Tomorrow is another day.

Clothes Shopping:

Therapy done and finished. assignment from her was to not go home. I had three hours before I had to work.  She said it wouldn’t do me any good to go home and try to fix what I thought was not completed and to just allow myself to “let it go”. So what’s a girl to do with three hours?

I’ve been leery about buying new clothes. My current selection has finally started to get too big. The pants I left the house in were a size 24 and just about falling off. However I don’t want to be disappointed if I can’t find anything I like. Clothes shopping for fat people can be a nightmare. It has been mine since I was a child. But hey, I had a Kohl’s gift card from Christmas so what the hell.

I found a pair of pants I liked. Just on a whim I took a size 20 off the rack. Now my hearts beating fast, I’m getting worked up. I think maybe I should have taken a size 22 first so I’m not disappointed and frustrated and walk out before I even begin. I go into the dressing room….

AND THEY FIT!!!

A size 20! Holy crap I’m freaking out and I’m sure my squeal of giddiness scared the person next to me.  They weren’t tight and my thighs didn’t look like stuffed marshmellows. SWEET! One pair down. I know I shouldn’t have pushed my luck but I just wanted to try on another pair. I found another pair I liked and grab both an 18 and a 20…just to see. I go back to the same dressing room. I put on the first pair and think “hey, these fit pretty good”…let me try the size 18 just in case.

I look over at the other pair. I realize that the pair still there on the hanger is the size 20…HUH WHA???

I look down and sure enough I’m wearing the size 18. It’s an 18w but HOLY HELL I’M WEARING AN 18. Now I’m really pushing my luck. I go over into the men’s athletic dept. to look for a new pair of running pants as my sweats are no longer adequate (nothing says sexy like pulling up your sweats while trying not to trip over your feet). I don’t even look in the XXL section as I normally would. I go straight for the XL and find a pair to my liking. Back to the same dressing room (as I’m sure it’s got some magical powers by now)…

THEY FIT TOO!

Three for Three! I decide that’s enough excitement for one day. I wanted to hug the lady at the cash register but decided that might be a little too weird since I didn’t even offer to buy her dinner first.

Moral of the story:

Sometimes you don’t even need 24 hours to have a better tomorrow!