Full of emotions…

17 03 2010

There is a lot going on with me today.

Good and bad.

First the bad because I truly believe in leaving any situation in an upbeat status whenever possible and who wants to read a blog that ends on some sad depressing note when there is also good stuff to share.

I had my therapy appointment today. We talked mostly about my brother Kerry. I have three older brothers…well actually two now since the oldest of the three passed away a few years ago (cancer). My brother Kerry is the youngest of the three and six years older than me. He is an alcoholic in the truest form. He’s in denial over how bad things are for him. He lived with me for a short period of time last year (7 months) after separating from his wife of 17 years and during those short months I learned a lot about my brother. None of which is good. I eventually asked him to leave because he couldn’t get his drinking under control and it was taking a toll on my marriage, my emotional well being and just all around sucked.

The reason for the therapy discussion about him today is because he really hurt my feelings a few weeks ago after telling his ex-wife (who then passed the message on to me) that if I wanted to get in touch with him, I would need to call him because he deleted my phone number out of his phone. This may not seem like a big deal to you but to me it was one of the meanest things he could have said..there is some more background to why this was hurtful so just trust me when I say he’s a total ass for saying that.

Now there is a dilemma.

To call.

Or not to call.

After much thought I’ve decided to not call and see how he’s doing. I offered my help once and he pretty much pissed that away. He thinks he’s the only one that’s ever suffered in this life we lead. He forgets that I completely understand what it’s like to be addicted to something that controls every aspect of your life. He thinks he’s the only one that’s experience loss of family and friends (I guess he forgets that we shared the same mom, grandmother and brother). He refuses to seek medical attention for depression (which is genetic in our family) and as of today refuses to seek help for his alcoholism.  He thinks he’s the only one that has ever suffered through a failed marriage (he must forget sitting in the front row of my first wedding). He leads a sad life and after leaving my therapist today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just can’t be a part of that any longer.

He’s running out of time to get it together…longevity does not run in our family when one is afflicted with alcoholism/drug addiction. My mother died when she was 52, my brother John was only 50…My brother Kerry is on the fast track to joining them. I see beyond those numbers and see a life worth living.

I wish he could do the same.

I’m also emotionally spent after officially signing up for my first 5k (missed the post? Go here). I think when it takes more than 3 hours to work up the courage to hit the register button, one must concur that there are many underlying issues going on. The main “issue” is having to resolve myself to knowing I won’t be the best. Now before you rush to leave me a “you’re only running against yourself” comment, trust me I know this already (The mature/rational adult Tara know this). Like I said, there are so many layers upon layers of issues.

But that is why this portion of my post is the good news.

I’m actually looking forward figuring all this stuff out. Working through the “I’m not good enough“(s) and the “you’ll never amount to anything“(s). Not to mention the “you’re fat and will always be fat“(s) and the “what’s the point of trying, since you’re going to fail“(s)

I’m looking forward to starting the process of stopping that damn tape recorder in my head of my mother’s voice, telling me that unless I’m the best then I’m worthless.

This is going to be an exciting time for me over the course of the next 3 months. When I cross that finish line on June 12th, I’ll be crossing so much more. Progress…slow and steady.

I ran w7d2 of c25k this morning. I got up an hour earlier than usual as I’m trying to retrain my body to get up at a different hour than normal. Work schedule is changing so getting up at 5 is going to be more feasible to continue running that my usual 7. It was dark outside when I ran so that was a first. I think I should have had some sort of reflector on since I was in dark running pants, dark hoodie and dark baseball cap. The only reflection was my shiny sauconies. It wasn’t as hard as Monday’s run since I ran the exact same course and was able to anticipate the end of 25 minutes. I pushed myself real hard the last minute and came out 1 block farther than I did on Monday.

I’m looking forward to finishing out c25k over the next two weeks. I’m planning on going on with another program that takes you from 5k to 8k just to get my duration running up. I’ll also be tackling some major hills in the area to get my elevation stamina up. Next weekend I’ll walk the 5k route of Sound to Narrows to become familiar with the layout. Once a week starting in April I’ll attempt to run what I can of it until I’ve run the entire route. I expect this to happen much sooner than the June 12th deadline to the actual 5k.

Progress…slow and steady!

Week #7 weigh in and new running partner!

13 02 2010

Weigh in Week #7

December 29th 2009 = 263.5 lbs

Today = 246.2 lbs.

Total loss = 17.3 lbs

I lost a little over a pound in the last week. It’s not as fast as I want but I’ll take what I get. I really thought I was going to have a gain this week. I made some food decisions that might not have been the best choice (dim sum, pasta, frozen yogurt) but I managed to stay mindful about the amount going into my mouth and ate what I consider moderate portions (by moderate I mean what I think a conscious person would eat). Tomorrow begins week #3 of c25k and to say that I’m a little intimidated is an under estimate of my feelings. I’m very intimidated. With my best attitude I will go to the track tomorrow and give it all my gusto.

I’m starting to get a lot more comments on people being motivated by my desire to make positive changes. It helps me to keep going. I want to move more. I want to weigh less. I want to succeed in making the right choices for me. Knowing that other people are now thinking about doing the same because I am putting it out there without shame (okay maybe a little shame) gives me the boost I need when I’m just not feeling like doing much of anything. So thank you to anyone who is moving a little more because of what I’m doing / writing / saying.

New running partner

Say hello to my new friend, Saucony Running shoes. My old sketchers just are not cutting it for me anymore so I spent some time over at South Sound Running yesterday and this is the pair I left with. The staff (Emily helped me) was so friendly. I went in there and basically said I didn’t know the first thing about running shoes but I’ve recently started the c25k and need something more comfortable. She started out by having me wear a pair of “neutral” shoes and then watched me jog to see where I needed to have the most support. I over pronate (roll in) so she brought out 3 different pairs that have dense arch support around the shoe. These particular beauties have more cushion on the inside of the shoe so were my ultimate choice. Not to mention the hot red! When I put my sketchers back on I could immediately feel the difference between the two.

Today was really the first test. I took my dogs for a long walk (approximately 2.5 miles) and my feet are giving these shoes raving reviews. Hopefully these babies will take to a real 5k run! I feel so professional with my running pants and new shoes.

Almost like I belong!