DDGBD #7 / Going to Church

3 10 2010

Goals to accomplish by December:
Finish trek tri in under 2 hours (done)
Dead lift 150 pounds (done)
Consistently run 10 minute mile (done)
Get into size 12 pants (done)
Make my bed everyday (on going progress)

It’s time I come up with some more goals. Let me get back to you on that.

I’m in a rough place emotionally as I write this post (not surprising I guess) so am having a difficult time coming up with a proud moment. Let me get back to you on that.

Need to work on the following:

Not pushing myself to the brink of pain and then getting angry at myself when I can’t “perform” to the best of my ability (another post, another day).

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Today I’m going to do something I haven’t done in over 19 years: I’m going to church. One of the things I NEVER expected to happen while on this LCJ is to discover my need to examine my spirituality. I thought I’d lose some weight, run a few hundred races over the course of my new found life and be happy with all that I’ve achieved.

Something is missing.

I don’t know what that “something” is but I am about to begin another portion of this journey to find out. I’ve never been much of a religious person….Okay let me rephrase that: I’ve never been a religious person. When I was a kid, I was such a loner and needed attention so badly that every summer I would go to three or four different vacation bible schools just to hang out with other people. When I say kid, I mean I started going when I was just a wee thing of 7 (all my decision to go, walked myself there, never told my mom – who didn’t pay enough attention to me to even wonder where I was going) and continued to do so until the age of 12 or 13 when messing around with boys gave me all the attention I needed.

Fast forward to being 20, coming off of meth and watching my mother die of cancer I turned to the church again. The man who ran the drug and alcohol pre-treament house I was living at was a very quiet religious man and I admired him immensely. He would take us all to church on Sundays. We were a retched group of people but he didn’t care. He was one of us (recovering drug addict himself) and wanted to show us there was life after drugs. There was life after death. There was life. I had the religious epiphany I think many recovering drug addicts have when replacing one addiction for another. I threw myself into the church the same way I did when I was a kid except this wasn’t for a week during the summer. This was everyday, praying to something (or someone) I didn’t understand. Going to a church and blending in but feeling way out of place. Listening to people “speak in tongues” and then asking “God” why I couldn’t do that and did it mean I wasn’t good enough. I began to ask questions that no one was ready to answer (Why am I a drug addict, why am I queer, why am I not being filled with this Holy Spirit you speak of, does “God” hate me, how do I know this entity exists, what the hell is faith).

Eventually I stopped going.

I never stopped thinking about my spirituality. Always in the back of my mind I wondered “is there something more”. I’m a very scientifically based person but something else inside of me wants to believe that even that scientifically based info comes from a different beginning. I believe we are all connected. I believe the worm I save from being stepped on after a long rain is just as important as any human that walks this earth. I believe that the tree I hug in my backyard has feelings and it knows me when I touch it. I believe that when my dog Penny looks me in the eyes she’s actually trying to make a connection to my soul and more often than not, does.

I can’t deny that in the last 9 months on this journey, something wonderous has been happening. For so many years (my entire adult life) I shut people out. While it’s true I was afraid to let them in and see me for who I was, I was more afraid to let ME see me for who I was. As I began to lose the weight, I began to shed the fortress that surrounded me, protected me and kept my eyes from seeing the possibilities. As I began to lose the weight, I began to open up my heart and I’ll be damn if I didn’t start thinking about my walk with God. Is this the same epiphany I had 20 years previous? No. Did I immediately run to my local meglomaniac church and proclaim myself Born again? No. Did I throw myself down at the mercy of God and cry for his forgiveness? No. Did I quietly begin to contemplate my journey and begin to wonder if there was more to this LCJ than losing weight and running races? Yes. In doing so I’ve met some pretty awesome people who are on their own spiritual journey and more than willing to share the path with me. People I had no idea they even went to church or believed in God. When I shared my decision to go back to church and begin my exploration they said “We’ve been praying for you”.

I don’t know what this portion of my journey will look like. I’m not sure of what answers I’m looking for if any. I just know that there is a something pulling me to walk down this new path and if there is one thing I’ve learned…

You should never be too afraid to take that first step.

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DDGBD #6 / Getting back to the basics.

26 09 2010

Goals to accomplish by December:
Finish trek tri in under 2 hours (done)
Dead lift 150 pounds (done)
Consistently run 10 minute mile (done)
Get into size 12 pants (done)
Make my bed everyday (hahahahahahahaha)

Proud moment:
I’m pretty sure that picture up there sums up my proud moment!

Need to work on the following:
I’m going back to the basics (more to follow down below) and counting calories again. That’s going to be my focus for a bit.

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So let’s talk about getting back to basics.

I’ve been on this LCJ for 9 months. I’ve learned a lot of things a long the way. I’ve learned that I can count calories and stay within the numbers alloted. I’ve learned that there is a difference between my brain being hungry and my body being hungry. I’ve learned how to set small goals that are achievable instead of focusing on the end goal which seemed so far away in the beginning. I’ve learned how to feel emotions and to stay in the moment for at least 85% of the time (which is damn good for me). I’ve learned how to push my plate away when I’m full and to say out loud “I’m eating mindlessly and I need to stop”. I’ve learned that I don’t have to count calories and I can eat intuitively when I take the necessary steps to keep myself prepared. I’ve learned what a serving size looks like (never big enough in my honest opinion) and most importantly…

I’ve learned to take control of my life.

I never really thought about what I would do once I reached my first goal weight of 170 pounds. In all honesty I never thought it would be here as fast as it seems to be approaching. I didn’t wake up one day in December of ’09 and think to myself “I’m gonna balls to the walls this LCJ and at the end of September I’m going to have lost close to 100 pounds”. In fact I think that one day in December ’09 went something a little more like “Well haven’t you just gotten yourself into a fine mess here. Look at yourself fat girl. This is it. Now or never. Do something. Anything. But please don’t let this be your life anymore.”

(Then I’m pretty sure I took myself to Jack in the Box.)

Here I am. So close to that first goal weight of 170 I can see it standing there waiting for me to cross the proverbial finish line and yet I’m still scared to get there. Scared because I don’t know what’s next. All I’ve known for the past 9 months is how to lose the weight that I’ve been carrying around since I was a little girl. All I’ve had in my mind for the past 9 months is that neon sign that says:

170

As I get closer to that number my anxiety about reaching this goal is going up exponentially. What’s going to happen once I reach that it? Will I sit back and think “okay that was awesome, now bring me cake” Will I secretly begin paying for a World of Warcraft account again because it’s okay to play when you weigh 170 pounds? Will I take myself on a one woman date through Kentucky Fried Chicken and attempt to get past third base as I double down a double down?

Probably not…

However, I am feeling myself getting angst about it and that in turn is keeping me from reaching that goal weight and moving on to bigger and better things. September has been my lowest weight loss since starting this journey. Before you jump up from your reading and scream “BUT TARA -5.2 POUNDS IS STILL A LOT”, I already know this and I’m not down playing the weight loss during this month. I’m just making a point here. I’m pretty sure I’m self sabotaging so that I don’t have to get to that goal weight. The odd thing is I’m not doing it the way most people would think of self – sabotaging. I’m not letting days go by without breaking a sweat or sneaking in a 2000 calorie meals in my car in some deserted parking lot and then going home in hopes my husband doesn’t smell the fries on my breath or notice the ketchup stain on my shirt.

In fact, it’s just the opposite. I don’t think I’m eating enough. I think I’m so scared to reach that goal weight of 170 that I’ve resorted to eating too little and that in turn is keeping me from losing any weight. I could be wrong. I could be stressed out from going back to work full time after being unemployed for the past four months and know that my body tends to gain weight during times of stress. Hell it could be because I’ve lost 85 pounds in the last 9 months and my body just needs a damn break.

But I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m not eating enough.

Which brings me to the point of all of this yammering. In the beginning I counted calories to make sure I didn’t eat too much. Now I’m going back to counting calories to make sure I am eating enough. I need to know that I’m not unconsciously trying to keep myself from reaching that goal of 170. Back to measuring and reading about serving sizes, logging my food and making sure that at the end of the day I’m eating the approximate 1500 – 2300 calories per day that my body needs to move towards that proverbial finish line. I need to stop worrying about whats suppose to happen next and focus on what’s happening today. I need to stay in the moment and know that it’s okay to move toward reaching that goal because whatever is supposed to happen next is going to be great and it will not involve cake, world of warcraft and doubling down myself on third base!!

So here’s to getting back to the basics and moving forward!





Drop Dead Gorgeous by December Week #3

8 09 2010

Goals to accomplish by December:
Finish trek tri in under 2 hours
Dead lift 150 poundsĀ  – DONE!!!!
Consistently run 10 minute mile
Get into size 12 pants
Make my bed everyday

The Goals are plugging along very nicely. Godfather made sure that I get that dead lift goal out of the way right quick. I dead lifted 185 pounds the day before going to San Francisco. Now shooting for 200!!

Proud moment:
I haven’t stepped on the scale in a week and ran some serious hills in San francisco.

Need to work on the following:
I spent a lot of time obsessing about food while on vacation. I need to work on that this week. (Even though I did think a lot about my food, I didn’t purge and that is a big deal in my neck of the woods).