Good change can be overwhelming

6 10 2010

I wrote a post last week about “Confessions” and saying goodbye to Fat Tara forever. One of the comments I got really struck a chord with me. So much so I’ve been thinking about it almost everyday:

“Goodbye fat Tara. I’m not sorry we never met. Thank you for sacrificing yourself in the name of skinny, strong HAWT Tara. You’d be amazed and really proud of everything she’s accomplished. *whispering* You and her will both be amazed by the places she’s going, but let’s keep that as our secret because even good change can be overwhelming.” (Left by my beautiful friend Jord – who btw just did her first Half Marathon!!!)

Good change can be overwhelming…

My journey to losing 100 pounds is coming to a close and all this good change is a little (okay a lot) overwhelming. I wouldn’t be lying if I were to admit more often than not that there are days I wish I was living my old lifestyle of sitting around and not thinking about anything except what’s on the t.v., what raid am I going to do on World of Warcraft and staring at the treadmill that sat folded up in the corner of my living room taking on the secondary role of clothes hanger.

Yes some days I miss it. Some days I mentally want it back. But you can’t pay me enough money to ever go physically back. There is only forward. But in that forward movement there is change and change is scary. There’s been a few major changes that I haven’t really talked about because well…

I’m scared.

One of those changes is that my training sessions with Godfather have officially come to an end and I didn’t buy anymore. If you’ve been following me (you have right?!) then you know this is a pretty big deal. For the last week I’ve had a mixed bag of emotions over the decision to give up my coveted Tuesday/Thursday 6a spot that I’ve held now for close to four months. I’ve cried (not surprisingly). I got angry (and took it out on Godfather), I thought about bingeing (and didn’t), and I sat in fear that all of a sudden I was going to look in the mirror and staring back at me would be the 263 pound girl I started this journey with back in December.

All unfounded emotions.

But emotions none-the-less.

During an especially emotional day this week, where I felt way out of control several people (all separate conversation unbeknownst to one another) said “Tara, are you afraid to take off your training wheels?” and it hit me: Yes I am. I am afraid to take off my training wheels and ride that big girl bike alone. I am afraid to be accountable to only one person from this day forward: ME. There was something comforting about knowing I was going to get up every Tuesday/Thursday morning and lay my emotional self out for Godfather to coddle (while telling me to move faster). There was something safe about knowing for a few hours every week at the crack ass of dawn someone was focused on me and what I was doing on this journey.

My relationship with Godfather has changed from being my trainer to being my role model, my mentor and more importantly my friend. While I have a lot of peers I feel are important role models to me there are very few people in which I look up too. It’s important to have people who we strive to be more like in our actions and to be honest the track record of people that should have filled those shoes is almost non-existent for me. Godfather is pretty important to me and because I’m not used to having someone to look up to there is quite a bit of fear as our relationship goes from being inside the gym to outside into the real world.

This is definitely a good change. Overwhelming yes, but a change that is necessary. I know the women that are taking over my spot and today I told one of them they were going to do great things over the course of the next couple of months. I’m really excited for them. Godfather changed my life. He’s going to change theirs too. Want to know what I’ll be doing?

I’ll be out scraping my knees

dusting myself off

as I learn to ride without my training wheels.


So Many Changes…

1 07 2010

I’ve got so many thoughts going through my head I had to actually make a bullet list on paper to make sure I kept the scrambled mess in some sort of cohesive order. I’m using the computer at the library and have about 50 minutes to get all this out onto this blog before some crazy ass flashing light comes up on the screen and tells me to vacate the premises. I’m here for two reasons: One to get used to taking advantages of the free services my local library offers and two because I owed a $.20 fine from the last books I checked out. Go me for making sure my fines are paid!

Okay so first train of thought: I am ready to make the switch from Superman to Coach Chuck. It was a hard decision to come to but I feel okay with the process. I still don’t know what is going on with Superman but I’ve gotten word that he is alive (I did have my doubts) and since no one knows when he is coming back, I’ve decided it’s time I move on. I didn’t make the decision purely based on Superman disappearance  but also on what I think Coach Chuck can offer me over the course of the next three months. I’ve trained with him twice and how he talks to me is a big factor in making the final decision. He uses words I need to hear now. Words that I’ve used since the beginning of  journey. He says things like “Your body wants this”, “this is all a mental game, don’t let the mind control what the body wants”, “You want this? You work for it”. In just the two times we’ve worked together he has pushed me to what I thought were my limits and then he pushed me past them. Both Superman and Coach Chuck are all business but there is something else in Coach Chuck that I didn’t find in Superman and that’s a desire to push as hard as possible and then push again because everything is possible.

I seriously wanted to throw up after 10 minutes of our 60 minute session. It’s a series of what I can only describede as some crazy form of crossfit stations that go something like this:

(all 45 seconds each station)

  • Bench Press
  • Bench Squats
  • Kettle Ball Throw
  • Core Knee Pulls (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach)
  • Vertical Jumps (alternating left/right position) onto step
  • Hopscotch Ladder
  • Forward Bench Press with Suspension Straps
  • Row with Suspension Straps
  • Full Squats with Suspension Strap
  • Core Alternating Knee Pulls with Suspension Straps (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach alternating left/right – kind of like riding a bike)
  • Vertical Forward Jumps onto step
  • Criss Cross jumps on Hopscotch Ladder

That is one round. Repeat for three rounds then curl up on the floor like a baby and that is what we did today. He’s all about endurance training and I am all about building that endurance. I’ll take the necessary steps to transfer my trainings over and forge a new relationship with a new trainer. Now to come up with a superhero name…

Train of thought number two: I ran for six miles yesterday. A new distance record for me as I work to run longer and faster. It took me 1:19:00. It’s the first run I’ve actually been disappointed with since the start of my running adventures. I was disappointed because half way through the run (and the farther point away from my destination I hit a rock right in the middle of my heel while wearing my vibrams. It made for a painful situation. One where I had to stop and consider how I was going to get back to where I was going. I had to walk for a little bit but it’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to run. the entire time I was walking that damn recorder was playing in my mind. Telling me I’ll never be a runner. Telling me I’ll never run fast. Telling me I’ll never make it to a half-marathon let alone a full marathon. It took a lot of effort to get my feet to move faster than a walking pace. Eventually it happened and I finished the route. I shouldn’t be disappointed. I should be jumping up and down for joy at having surpassed my last run by a mile. I should be patting myself on the back for mustering up the willpower to keep running. All these “I should” and yet I still walked away disappointed. I’m not sure if this ties in with my recent employment situation but it has been a depressing conversation in my head. One that just shouldn’t be allowed to exist. I remember crying and hugging myself after running for 5 minutes straight (and maybe 1/4 of a mile) and thinking how awesome it was and yet yesterday I wasn’t good enough after running for almost 55 minutes straight and clearing close to 4.5 miles before stopping due to an injury to my heel.

I have a lot of emotional work still.

Train of thought number three: I have seen 199 enough this week that I am confident it will happen on OWiS #27. Barring a massive salt intake or TOM it will happen and I am ready to enter a new phase of this journey. I’ve lost almost 65 pounds since January and for the first time in my adult life I like the way my body looks. I am moving away from this being a weight loss journey and moving towards this becoming a journey of strength. I am confident in this new phase the weight will continue to come off my body but it won’t be the focus any longer. I’m going to move away from stable exercises like the elliptical and stationary bikes and move toward less stable exercises (swimming, weight training, outside biking, spin class, running and endurance training). The stable exercises helped me lose the first 65 pounds. Unstable exercises will not only help me lose the next 35 pounds but will also make me leaner, stronger and much more fit.

That’s what I want.

That’s what I’m going to get.

Seeing 199 on the scale has been monumental. I don’t feel fat anymore. I don’t see myself as fat either. I see the small pudge in my stomach or the under arm flabbiness and I think “it’s only a matter of time” because while I look in the mirror and see my stomach/under arms I also see the  muscles in my thighs. I see my biceps and I see new part of my body one: my collar-bone. I didn’t see those things 6 months ago, but I see them today.  Hard work, sweat and a gazillion tears are paying off by giving me the body that I was born to have. The body I abused for the last 25 years has accepted my apology and is moving forward business as usual. If I can do this in six months…

Think what can be accomplished in a year.

Fourth train of thought: All is okay in my world. Last Wednesday everything came crashing down around me as I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I’ve had a few panic moments and one fight with my husband (as to be expected I guess) but a week later, I am doing okay. My interpreter friends have helped me tremendously in giving me contact information for various opportunities. I thank them and the universe for looking out for me. There isn’t much work out there (Summer is always slow) but there is work and I will find it.

There are some plans being jostled around in my head that while I want to share with the world, I need to just sit on them for a bit longer before making any sort of commitment. These ideas include leaving the profession of interpreting and venturing off into a new career. One that would require me to go back to school after 10 years. I am building a stronger body, now I also need to think about building a stronger brain. I see the change that can happen in people and I want to be a part of the change. I want to be the catalyst to that change. No not want, need. It’s time to refocus what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up and it’s time I make it a reality.

This is one crazy ride and I’m glad I got on!