Moving on and moving forward…

9 05 2010

I allowed myself 24 hours to be emotionally distraught over my first weight gain and today I’m ready to move on and move forward. Here are some things I know to be true about my life right now:

  • I do not weigh 263 pounds
  • I am not living the life of my brother
  • I am not sitting in front of the computer for hours and hours on end
  • I am moving more today than I ever have in my entire life
  • My muscles are getting stronger
  • I look forward to getting up in the morning
  • I am inspired by folks that have fought this war before me
  • I am inspiring folks that are just beginning to wage their own fight
  • I am emotionally stronger than ever
  • I am focused
  • I am looking forward
  • I am a runner
  • I will do whatever it physically takes to never go back to where I came.
  • I am in a better place today because I am learning to love who I am and what I can offer this world.

24 hours is over and it’s time to get back to this fight. Last week was chaotic and emotional but it does not dictate how I move forward. It does not dictate the dedication to my own life and becoming a stronger, faster, more emotionally stable person.  The experiences of my family members are not my experiences today. I know what it’s like to feel despair and depression. I know what it’s like to have to convince yourself to get out of bed only to return because you can’t function in the real world. I know what hopelessness feels like but not today…

NOT TODAY!

This morning I strapped my running shoes on and ran because I have hope.

I finally ran an entire 5k without stopping. NOT ONE STOP! I wanted to. I cried because I wanted to walk but today’s run was about moving on and moving forward. Running towards a new life and away from an old one. Running toward change and away from mediocracy. Running toward living life and away from emotional death. What my brother chooses will not deter me from my choices.

EVER!

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Superman called today and said the following: “Hey there favorite client of mine…just called to tell you to be prepared to get dirty tomorrow during our session“…I have the best.trainer.ever!

 





OWiS #19….the streak is over.

8 05 2010

I knew it when I wrote yesterday’s post that today would be the first time in this journey that I would have a gain. You try to not let it get to you but it’s hard. I try to say “it’s only 2.2 pounds” but with what’s been happening to me this week it feels like a ton. I try to stay in the moment but I can hear that old tape recorder warming up in my head saying things like “I knew you would gain eventually”, “All that hard work and still you failed”, “Everyone knows you can’t do this”, “You’re so lazy”, “I hate you”….

I shouldn’t be this emotional over such a small number but I’m not going to lie to you. I am. I know it’s much more than that as well. I know I should be working towards letting this past week go and looking toward next week as I work through this situation with my brother. If ever I needed the ability to dig in my heels, draw the line and get back to business it’s this week.

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *The situation
  • The day’s between Week 18 and Week 19 were extremely stressful. Emotionally I managed to keep my head above water. In the past this wouldn’t have happened. I would  have sat in a cesspool of feelings that did nothing but keep me down. I went to the gym everyday this week regardless of my emotional state and as soon as I post this I’m putting my gym bag together to go and swim until I cry (which really considering how I’m feeling right now the crying will start in about 3 seconds).

    The hardest part about this is my weigh in on Monday with Superman. There will be a gain and I feel like I want to lie and say “I ate too much” (which I didn’t, if anything I didn’t eat enough this week) because I don’t know how to say “it’s stress gain” without having an emotional breakdown.

    I know I probably sound like a whiny baby. I feel like it for sure. There’s so much more to this than just those damn 2.2 pounds. I will stay in the moment. I will move forward. I do not weigh 263 pounds any longer. The scale does not define me. I will fight. I will allow myself to feel. I will let go. I will be free.





    Friday Wrap Up / And ohhhh a yoga mat

    30 04 2010

    It’s that time of the week again folks. The time where I review the last seven days in preparation for OWiS #18. I do this to help me remember this journey isn’t about numbers but about becoming a healthier me. It’s also about taking control of my life and moving closer to what I was born to be; an athlete.

    However, I am soooo close to 219 that this particular weigh-in is pretty much about the number. My calorie intake has been impressive (as per Superman).  My work outs have been intense (Minus Monday of course) and  I would like nothing more than to say goodbye to my 220’s  tomorrow morning. If not, it’s okay. I just keep my head down and keep moving. I am moving in the right direction and that my friends is the point of this journey.

    Let’s get started

    Saturday / Sunday – I declared these two days “NO GYM” days. Saturday I had some pent-up energy from sitting in a workshop all day so I ran up 10 flights of stairs. Sunday I decided to forego using a running program any longer. I felt constricted and needed to find the freedom to decide what worked for me. I took my run back to the streets and SHAZAM, I ran 5.5 miles!

    Monday – I shared some personal information about my DISLIKE for change and my workout suffered because of it.

    TuesdaySuperman proved himself to me once again. I learned a new mathematical equation (craptastic Monday = fantastic Tuesday) and I rocked it on the elliptical for an hour! I also pledged to run a real 5k (May 23rd) three weeks before my original 5k  (June 12) because Tony asked me too.

    Wednesday – I officially became a Weekend Warrior. To celebrate I swam a mile. I went a little extra on this WWC and incorporated 25 other people to join me. William Wallace would be proud.

    Thursday – I think I upped my game with Superman and for that I am tickled pink. Not only am I tickled pink, but I’m also painted blue for the upcoming WWC!

    Friday – That leads us to today…I had a fantastic run!! I ran for 3.1 miles of which I only walked once for 45 seconds. This is a massive improvement over what I have been doing.  I ran 2.5 miles before walking…5 months ago I couldn’t run a block.  Then I swam a mile and I’ve been pooped ever since 🙂

    Looking back over April, it’s been a very cool month. I ran almost 30 miles and swam the equivalent of 8.7 miles. I lost a total of 10.4 pounds (which is the second highest loss since starting this journey). I am looking forward to what May brings (besides the flowers) and I think the WWC is a great way to get started.

    Tomorrow is another NO GYM day but I’m taking it one step further and declaring it a rest day. My husband and I have not had a day off together in over 4 weeks and I’m not about to waste this one sweating at the gym. I’ll weigh in, go back to bed and then enjoy the day with the man I love.

    ____________________________________________________________

    I won my very first giveaway!

    My VBB Jeremy over at Stellar Path won a really cool yoga mat from a previous giveaway and liked it so much he contacted the company to see if they would be willing to sponsor another giveaway on his blog. They agreed and I am the lucky recipient. The company is called Aurorae Yoga and the reviews from Jeremy are stellar (pun intended)! I’m really excited. There is a Sunday Yoga class at my gym that I’ve been too intimidated to go too but this is just the ticket to get me into that class.

    I went with the Solar color.

    I’m going to have to start thinking of my own giveaway here. I’m thinking bubbalicious and some old rubber bands….Hmmm, I better keep thinking.

    See you all in the morning!





    Preparing for WWC…

    29 04 2010

    I’m am super stoked about my first WWC weekend coming up.  Here’s a recap of my 3 goals for this challenge:

    • Drink a gallon of Water Saturday and Sunday.
    • 70 sit-ups on the bosu ball at gym at one time.
    • Swim 90 laps.

    I’ve put the challenge out to other folks (both IRL and VBB) and so far have I have 15 people signed up. In order to prepare for the challenge I have to get in the right frame of mind…

    The theme is based on Braveheart and while it would be fantastic to yell in my best William Wallace voice “Go back to England and tell them there that Scotland’s daughters and her sons are yours no more. Tell them Scotland is free.” and then jump in the pool and swim 90 laps, I’m pretty sure it won’t happen.

    Hmmmm, or maybe it will.

    But just in case, I’ve got to do something that will keep me going during those damn bosu ball sit-ups and pushing past lap # 70. I need something to look at and say to myself “I AM A WARRIOR and I will not be defeated this weekend”.

    The coolest thing happened while painting my toenails (which btw I have no clue how to do. Seriously there was no girly stuff in my house growing up). I started to visualize my success. I saw myself doing all 70 sit-ups and swimming 90 laps. I saw myself tired, sweaty and moving slow but still moving in a forward fashion. As silly as it sounds I feel like I am preparing for battle and if I go down, it will be in a blaze of beautiful glory.

    _____________________________________________________________

    There are a lot of thoughts going through my head at the moment and I’m having a hard time organizing them into some meaningful post that will not only inspire me to get out there and make a difference in my life but also the lives of those that read what I put on these pages.

    Thought #1. I had a great session with Superman today. It was our first official weigh in since we starting back in March. The first time we met I weighed (with clothes) 236. Today I weighed in at 224. He actually used the word “impressive”…well shoot doesn’t that just make a girl want to break a sweat?

    Which I did.

    He worked my upper body something fierce. I think he knows I’m not playing around on this LCJ and is really starting to push me. Not in a bad way, just in a “gimme me two more” kind of way. I am relatively low on the weight baring but everyday I am getting stronger and everyday I am digging deeper to push past the “I can’t(s)”. At the end of our session he high fived me and said “Awesome”.

    It doesn’t take much people.

    Thought #2 – Tomorrow I have some extra time before school and going to use that get in a run and a swim. My focus will be to run that 3.1 mile course by the gym without stopping. I will run with a purpose and that purpose is to kick off my WWC weekend with a run that would make William Wallace proud. If I feel like walking, I’ll just think about my pretty toes!

    Thought #3 – I need a reward. I’ve worked my ass off the last two weeks and not really given myself anything substantial that says “Thanks for all the hard work”. I’m going to go to BR and get me a scoop of Pralines n’ Cream this weekend.  I’m not too worried about the calories since in addition to tomorrow’s workout and WWC, I’m also doing a practice walk with some friends to get ready for the upcoming half-marathon walk on May 16th. My problem isn’t really with food cause I love eating healthier. My problem is allowing myself some recognition for the work being put into this journey.

    Thought #4 I am officially signed up for two 5k(s) and a half marathon walk coming up in the next month or so. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d do this. Seriously. I was the epitome of “I’ll never” and “I can’t” but reading all of your  blogs and talking to people on CalorieKing has really helped open my eyes to “I will” and “Watch this”!

    Thought #5 I’m going to spend the day with my husband on Saturday. I’ve missed him something horrible. His work has been chaotic  and I’ve not seen him much over the last three weeks.  I’m going to hold his hand allllll day!

    What are your thoughts?





    My first Weekend Warrior Challenge!

    28 04 2010

    This is a short post cause I seriously need to catch up on the blogs out there…so many bloggers so little time!

    My virtual blogging buddy (hence forth known as VBB), Brandon (So Long, Fat Ass)  is doing another installment of Weekend Warrior Challenge. I’ve watched quite a few of these events come and go and have decided this is my weekend to get my feet wet (pun intended…keep reading).

    The idea behind WWC is to make some clear and definite goals that will be attempted during the upcoming weekend.  I’ve decided to go with three:

    • Drink a gallon of Water Saturday and Sunday. I do really well during the week but I often fail miserably during the weekend.
    • 70 sit-ups on the bosu ball at gym at one time. I can do 50 but can I do 70 in one sitting? BUAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!
    • Swim 90 laps. I’ve been really wanting to push myself past the 1 mile mark for swimming and this is a great opportunity!

    The theme for this weekend’s WWC is Braveheart. I’d probably get arrested if I tried to get into the gym with my face painted blue so in true warrior fashion I’m going to paint my toenails blue!!!

    What’s you Weekend Warrior Challenge?





    Craptastic Monday = Fantastic Tuesday!

    27 04 2010

    Whew, I am so happy to have Monday over.

    There was no major fallout from yesterday’s change in plans but it can be exhausting to recover. I often have some sort of emotional melt down when not prepared for changes (which I did but it was only for a few minutes), then I spend a few hours wondering why I had that melt down (which is usually followed by some emotional beat down). Once recovered,  I spent the rest of the day just moving a little more slower to keep myself in check.

    Another day done…

    I woke up in my usual fashion this morning and set about getting the day started. I thought about how to approach Superman and explain about needing some sort of warning if he needed to cancel our appointments, without divulging to much information about myself (“Oh hi Superman, so listen Monday = Superman…Monday =/= impromptu workout…say it with me Monday = Superman“). He was at the front desk when I walked in. First thing he says: “I tried to call you yesterday“.

    O_o

    You did?

    He may have seen the look of disbelief on my face cause he pulled out his phone to show me that my number was indeed on his call log for early yesterday morning…Oh wait Superman, let me look at that again….

    Ohhhhhhhh.

    He did in fact try to call me and tell me that he couldn’t come in. While he had the right phone number, he didn’t have the correct area code. I still have my Seattle area code attached to my number. So he dialed (253) instead of (206). It was damn near the best news I could have heard. Not only did I not need to explain anything about me, but now I know he will call without having to ask him.

    Superman = KICK ASS!

    He said he was super sorry. I played like it was no big deal (cause I’m cool like that). In my most humorous fashion I said:

    Too bad you didn’t come in yesterday cause I was gonna have a bad ass weigh in. Instead I went home and ate 20 pounds of food just to make you work harder

    I finished what I came to do at the gym (leave some of my old self behind in the form of sweating on the elliptical) and then need to make appointments for next week (Monday and Thursday of course). I can’t find him so I call and leave him a message. I say he can either leave a message or send me a text (this was a little test to see if he was technologically savvy) letting me know he put me in the books. In my phone contacts I don’t have him listed under his real name

    A few minutes later I get this: ” Superman – You’re in 4 next week”. Because seriously people who doesn’t like getting texts from Superman?

    _____________________________________________________________

    Leave it to Tony over at “The Anti-Jared” to come up with another challenge I can’t resist. He’s setting forth the virtual  RoniTony 5k for kids walk on May 23rd.  Donations are being accepted for the Action for Healthy Kids program but not required to participate. What is required? You just promise to walk a 5k that day. Simple!

    What’s great about this is my friend Elizabeth has asked me a few days ago if I wanted to participate in the Great Kilted Run coming up in May. I was a little nervous with walking a half marathon that month that I hadn’t yet committed. After Tony put out his challenge I went back to check the date of the kilted run….MAY 23RD!!!

    It’s like divine intervention.

    My first 5k was slated for June 12th but now it’s been bumped up to May 23rd. If I play my cards right there might be one even sooner…





    Change / Run / No Gym declaration update

    26 04 2010

    What I really wanted to do was title this post “Let’s get to know Tara” because what I’m about to write is probably going to be mundane and too much information (but not in a gross kind of way).  If you’d like to bypass the first portion of this post and get to Sunday’s run please do so now.

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    Okay, if you’re still here let’s get this out-of-the-way. I don’t like change. I hear lots of people say “oh me neither” but let me be very clear: I don’t like it one bit. I truly believe that had there been the same kind of understanding there is today about Autism Spectrum Disorders and proper diagnosis back in the 1970’s I would fit the bill.

    If anyone knows anything about ASD, change to a situation or to a routine can be hard to deal with. Even the smallest thing. For example, I work in a call center environment. That means there are multiple cubicles to choose from on any given day. This doesn’t work for me. I need to be able to sit in the same place everyday and I also don’t want anyone to sit in my cubicle because I have a terrible fear that something will be moved. In order to combat this fear, I had to make the decision to work full-time. Only full-time employees (which in my line of work as an interpreter is almost unheard of) get to have dedicated cubicles. I tell everyone that I took the full-time position for insurance and what not. In truth, it was too stressful to come to work and see someone sitting in what I had considered my cubicle and then go through this tiresome process of deciding where to sit – all the while panicking that items were being moved around in my cubicle.

    Still don’t understand the severity of my issue with change…here’s another example. Every minute of my life is micro managed. From the time I wake up until the time I go to bed I know exactly what I’m doing, where I need to be and what is coming up next. Here’s my schedule:

    5:00a – wake up

    5:15a – chores.

    5:30a – brush teeth, get dressed

    5:45a – 15 minute computer time

    6:00a – leave the house and go to the gym (typically I’ll also eat a banana)

    6:15a – arrive at the gym

    6:30 – begin workout. (Mondays and Thursdays are Superman days)

    7:30 – end workout.

    7:35 – shower, dressed for work

    8:00a – leave gym and head to first job. Here I eat the same thing everyday: a peanut butter sandwich

    8:30a – 12 noon – First job at comm college (I interpret the same set of classes everyday for 3 months at a time. I’m given ample opportunity to get ready for the next quarter as I usually know my schedule weeks in advance). This is a part-time job.

    12:00p – drive to my second job (my full-time job). I often drive in the same lane each day on the interstate  (2nd from the left). I arrive early to make sure that everything is in its place and to see where everyone else is sitting.

    1:00p – 7:00p – Work my full-time job (unless it’s Friday and then I work from 2:30 – 11p. Because I start later on Fridays, I eat lunch out at the same place every Friday and have the same thing for lunch – Veggie Pho with extra Tofu or I will go to trader joe’s and stock up my food at work.)

    7:00p – Go home (here I like to drive in the 3rd lane from the left)

    7:30p – Arrive home and pack my bag for gym the next morning (this includes grabbing my banana and making peanut butter sandwich for the next morning)

    8:00p – 9:00p – Eat dinner with husband, watch a little tv, spend time with the dogs.

    9:00 – 9:30 – read in bed and fall asleep.

    Rinse Repeat Mon – Fri. I find comfort in this schedule. It keeps me calm. If anything doesn’t follow that plan, it can be upsetting to the point of no return. That’s what happen to me today and that’s what this whole explanation was about.

    So today is Monday.

    Superman day.

    6:30a comes around and no Superman. Already my heart is racing. I go back to my gym locker (which btw, I use the same one everyday and if it’s in use I have 2 others that I can choose from) to check to see if he called. Nope. Okay no worries, just go stretch some more. 6:35a and no Superman. Okay so it may not seem like a big deal to the average Joe but to me now I’m starting to panic. By the time 6:45a rolls around and still no Superman I’ve worked myself into a full-fledged frenzy. I finally go to the front desk to which they inform me that he is indeed out sick and the lady working overlooked letting me know when I first got there.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

    You’re probably thinking to yourself “Tara, just go work out for Pete’s sake”…not in my world people. It’s Monday. Monday = Superman. Monday =/= impromptu workout. I try the elliptical. Nope. I try boxing. Nope. I try even just running on the treadmill as fast as possible to work through this freak out. Nope.  Granted I didn’t walk out and just give up on breaking a sweat (and this my friends is a break-through) but it was so unproductive and has pretty much messed my entire Monday up. I need to figure out a way to let Superman know to call me if he can’t make it but without having to say “oh BTW yea your newest client a little on the panicky side if things don’t stay the same”…

    Seriously some days it’s hard to live with me.

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    So I’ve been thinking about last week and my runs that didn’t really happened. I’ve been reading Josie’s blog about not using the c25k any longer and thought about my own dependency to the podrunner “Gateway to 8k”. I did run 3.22 miles on the treadmill last week Saturday but the rest of the week I struggled to even get to 1.5 miles. Granted some of that was because I was sore but I was also missing something.

    Freedom

    Freedom to just run. It was during the last weeks of c25k that I really started to enjoy what I was doing. 20+ minutes of just running. I began to wonder if relying on the podrunner intervals to make me a better runner was a mistake.  I got up Sunday morning, popped in my iPod ear buds (minus the running podcast) and just let my feet take me where they wanted to go. I would run until I couldn’t and walk when I needed to.  I ran as far as I could go, took a break and had to turn around and come home….90 minutes after walking out my door, I sat down at the computer and mapped my route.

    5.5 miles!

    I couldn’t believe it. I ran for about 85% of the time so even if I subtracted that it was still 4.6 miles of pure unadulterated running. I’m going to seriously have to consider leaving my running to the outdoors. I think at this point I’m going to forego the pod runner interval program as well.  This means I’ll have to put my running off until the weekends for now as that’s when I have the most time. If I seriously want to run on the treadmill it will be only for short amounts of time in conjunction with other stuff (like running stairs or sit-ups). It was pure awesomeness! I am so close to an 8k I can taste it and it takes like victory!

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    My “NO GYM” declaration went well this weekend. Since I don’t like change (see above) it was harder than I anticipated. Saturday I had an all day workshop so that made it a little easier. When I got a little overwhelmed with the crowd I ran 10 flights of stairs. Sunday was even harder just because I didn’t really set out a plan to fill the day. The run helped clear my mind and also gave me time to set out a clear course for what the day would look like. Lots of yard work (including mowing the nice older lady’s lawn next door to mine), cleaning the house, doing some laundry and getting ready for what would come to be known as “Craptastic Monday”!

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    A little side note. I saw a number on the scale this morning that I’ve not seen since 1995. If all goes as planned and I work my ass off this week (which you can believe I will) I will be forging a new category on my blog: 210 – 219.