Let’s talk about coach chuck…

14 07 2010

I’ve wanted to sit down and write a post about coach chuck for a while now. I’ve been working out with him for about 3 weeks and while I am sad that I had to make the switch from Superman to him, he has not let me down at all. In fact he has upped the level of performace that I am looking for and I feel he is the right person to take me where I want to go over the next three months.

I gave Superman his name for a few different reasons. First reason is because his real name is Kent so it was easy to associate him with that particular superhero name. The second reason was because in the story of  Superman he flys around and saves people from perilous danger and for the last three months Kent  has been doing just that: helping me save my life from the perils of depression, obesity and allowing my life to slip past me. Finally Clark Kent is a very quiet and reserved person to most of the world around him and Kent is much the same way but when Clark Kent becomes Superman he has all the charm of a true superhero. Kent possesses that quality as well.

Unfortunately due to his illness I had to move on to another trainer and when I picked Coach Chuck I wanted to give him a nick name that was fitting and appropiate to how our relationship was forging. It didn’t happen overnight so instead I’ve taken the last 3 weeks to really get to know him before bestowing the honor of having a nickname. I thought about just calling him Coach Chuck but it just didn’t seem right. I mean don’t get me wrong, I call him “Coach” when we’re training together but it just didn’t have enough substance or oompha in describing his personality. For three weeks I waited for the nick name to come to me. I researched male superhero names in hopes that something would pop out at me, but I got nothing.

Until yesterday.

Coach Chuck is very demanding. Not in a bad “I’m gonna yell at you until I’m blue in the face and you’re gonna lay there and take it you weakling” kind of way. I think they have those kind of trainers at my gym. No, Coach Chuck is a “this is what you want and this is how you’re going to get it” kind of trainer. He has some high expectations when it comes to the 60 – 90 minutes you spend with him. He wants you to work hard. He wants you to earn every drop of sweat you leave on the mat and he doesn’t want to hear any negativity come from your mouth. He wants you to take pride in the work you’re doing even if you feel like you’re going to puke up your guts if you have to do another round of stations he set before you. He pushes hard. And when you feel like you can’t continue, he pushes even harder until you finish. He can tell when you’re physically tired or when it’s a mental obstacle and if it’s mental you better believe you’re not stopping until it’s done. When you think you can’t, he’s gonna let you know you can and he’s going to make you prove it to yourself. He’s asks and in the end all you want to do is give because you may not want to do it for yourself but there is something that makes you want to do it for Coach Chuck.

During our session yesterday, another one of his clients came up to him. I was sweating profusely and pretty much curled up in fetal position after having done a total of 60 crunch like exercises while my feet were in straps. I hurt. I was loving every minute of it. He looked right at her and said the following sentence:

You need to work harder when you’re working with me

In that instance I knew I never wanted to hear those words come from him and have them be directed towards me. If Coach Chuck ever has to tell me to work harder then I’m not there for the right reasons. I wanted to look up (but I was still laying down waiting for my stomach muscles to relax) and say to her “How can you not be working hard with this guy” He knows if you’re  not pushing yourself enough and he’s not afraid to put in out there for you to recognize: Either get it together or move on. Here he is offering me the chance of a lifetime…

It’s an offer I can’t refuse.

Much like Marlon Brando in the Godfather, I can’t refuse when Coach Chuck asks me to perform to the best of my ability and just when I think I can’t keep going to take a deep breath and push through the fatigue to show him I can and in the end prove to myself I can. Much like the Godfather, he asks and much like the mafia I respond. Much like the Godfather, he doesn’t want to be disappointed by his “family” and much like the mafia, I do not want to disappoint!

Coach Chuck = The Godfather

It’s going to be an AWESOME summer!

 

 





Must have bulleted post…

12 07 2010

I’m blogging so it can only mean one thing: I’m at the library! Not much time to get all my thoughts down (and the library computers are notoriously slow) so I’m shooting for the random thought layout and just gonna start writing and see where I’m at when my 60 minutes is up.

Let’s begin.

  • I ate a piece of carrot cake this weekend! I had $5.00 in my pocket and a street fair in my neighborhood so I went there with the intention of buying food and not feeling any guilt about it. I walked the small yet very exciting “Art of Tacoma” street fair a few times looking at all the goodies and finally picked my target. It was delicious. I sat in some shade on a curb and just let my mind think whatever it wanted to think. I was not going to let it deter me from enjoying something that I not only deserved but also am allowed to eat.
  • I didn’t count one calorie this weekend. I didn’t gorge myself on fatty foods out of a bag that I asked to be “super sized”. I didn’t eat a pint of ice-cream. I didn’t order a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and eat in a dark room with only the t.v. on. In fact, I ate out once for lunch and only ate half of my sandwich and some of the fries it came with and brought the rest home (which later went into the garbage because I can’t stand cold fries and no way in hell I was going to heat them up when there was good clean eating to be done in my house).
  • I’m going to be running a 10k this coming Saturday. I’m trying to stay cool about the whole thing but it’s not working too well. I know two things will take place on race day 1) I will start 2) I will finish. Those are the only two things I care about. The race is on Vashon so lots of hills to be climbed. I hope to finish in 90 minutes but I’m not going to hold my breath on that time.
  • Yesterday I ran a 3.3 miles sans electronics. No music, no heart rate monitor, no watch. It was a beautiful process to run, listen to my breathing and just have a conversation with myself about how life is going.
  • Tomorrow is the first meet and greet for the TrekTriathlon taking place on Sept 19th. I am thrilled and scared beyond words to go only because it will reinforce what I already know to be true: I am going to be doing my first triathlon in approximately 10 weeks!!!
  • I will also be going to a meet and greet meeting for Team in Training. If I like what I see then I’ll be joining. My event that I’m shooting for? The Amica 1/2 marathon on November 28th. That’s right, I said it HALF MARATHON BABY!
  • The scale is on the downward move again after seeing close to a 5 pound gain since my last OWiS (#27 = 200.8) a little more than a week ago. I identified why there was a gain (stress) and systematically went about getting myself to a much calmer state of being. It’s working and I look forward to pulling up my big girl panties and getting back to business.
  • I miss all my VBB(s). I’ve only been able to read a few of them via my phone since I’m cutting out the internet usage while at home. I find so much strength in reading every struggle / victory / frustration / accomplishment / movement forward / gain / loss / slump / triumph. So stinkin proud of everyone!
  • Life is moving forward.
  • I am in control.




Just.Keep.Moving.

5 07 2010

So check this out: Life is going to get in the way. What are you going to do to make sure you’re not a casualty when it does? The reason I ask this today is because I am in the middle of this war zone called life and some times I’m not sure how I’m going to avoid being a casualty.

Is this making any sense?

To be more specific, I can’t seem to shut my brain off  long enough so that I can take the time to seriously reflect what I’m doing, where I’m going and what exactly do I want from this Life Changing Journey. Every time I take one step forward and feel good about the decisions / choices I’m making something happens and I feel like I’m taking another step back and not really learning anything from this damn journey. Every time I think “I should really sit down and make lay down some goals” I feel angst over fear of failure before I even start. Every time someone says “you’re such an inspiration” I want to scream back at them “TO WHO, CAUSE I’M NOT INSPIRING MYSELF!!!”

I am in a constant state of panic these days over work (or lack there of) and money. To know me is to know I obsess over money. This probably stems from watching my mother try to provide for 4 children while battling alcoholism and eventually losing the house I spent my entire childhood  in (15 years) and then having to move multiple times every year until she passed away when I was 20. At the moment things are sort of FUBAR with our banking situation because we had a break in with one of our vehicles last week and banking info was taken so we are in the process of moving everything to a new account but I don’t know where all the money is at this time (some here, some there…it takes time to get everything worked out blah blah blah). If I don’t have my finger on where the money is at all times, well lets just say it doesn’t help current state of well-being.

I’m in a constant state of panic over this weight loss stuff. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and see a new face looking back at me, a  new body standing before me and I wonder “is this forever?” Just when I think I have everything under control and feel comfortable with the changes that are happening, something happens and I think “Fuck, I just don’t think I can live this way anymore”. Yesterday, I went to the gym for 3 hours and 45 minutes. Why? I don’t know. I think there was this underlying fear of being out of my element (going to friend’s house for bbq) and since I couldn’t go up to a complete stranger and ask “hey, do you know how many calories are in a serving of your potato salad?” I spent 225 minutes running, doing step class and yoga thinking this would combat any over indulgence. I even decided something sweet would be added to my menu at some point in the day. I felt good about that decision. Then I went to the store to pick out what I wanted and I panicked. I looked at the calorie counts on everything and right in the middle of the store (with my husband standing next to me) I just about had an emotional melt down.

Who has emotional melt downs over cheese cake?

In the end I choose something extremely small (caramel chocolate) and split it with my husband because god forbid I eat a piece of chocolate that has 250 fucking calories!!! At the bbq I had to finally draw the line with myself because instead of enjoying the company I was with and being on the island (Vashon is about my favorite place) I thought about what I was going to eat and how it was going to affect me later (because everyone knows 1/4 cup of potato salad is going to cause a 63 pound weight gain over night right?!)

I did fine at the bbq. I ate some chips. I drank one beer. I had a burger (sans bun) and some chicken. I even ate the potato salad all the while battling the voice inside my brain that was screaming “FAILURE” at me. Six months I’ve been on this journey. Day in and day out. Not just willy nilly but full force planting my feet firmly and yet here I am still battling as if I’ve not learned anything over the last 180 days. I know I’ve said that food is part of the solution, not the problem but do I firmly believe that today?

No.

I’m not even sure if there is a point to this post. My title is just about the only thing I can remind myself to do: Just. Keep. Moving. I have a training session with Coach Chuck today, but am feeling more than a little intimidated about going. I’m hungry but afraid to eat because of the calorie intake from yesterday. I have a well thought out list of things I need to do but am afraid to start because I’m just plain old scared to move forward.

I will go to training session.

I will eat.

I will cross off one thing from the list.

Just.Keep.Moving.





OWiS #27

3 07 2010

Yhea, so remember this statement from a post a few days ago? “I have seen 199 enough this week that I am confident it will happen on OWiS #27. Barring a massive salt intake or TOM it will happen and I am ready to enter a new phase of this journey.” TOM will be the culprit for this week’s weigh in. It’s still a great OWiS but damn if I’m not a little irritated at my impeccable timing.

So close!

The numbers:

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
  • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
  • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
  • Week 22 = skipped
  • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
  • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
  • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
  • Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)





So Many Changes…

1 07 2010

I’ve got so many thoughts going through my head I had to actually make a bullet list on paper to make sure I kept the scrambled mess in some sort of cohesive order. I’m using the computer at the library and have about 50 minutes to get all this out onto this blog before some crazy ass flashing light comes up on the screen and tells me to vacate the premises. I’m here for two reasons: One to get used to taking advantages of the free services my local library offers and two because I owed a $.20 fine from the last books I checked out. Go me for making sure my fines are paid!

Okay so first train of thought: I am ready to make the switch from Superman to Coach Chuck. It was a hard decision to come to but I feel okay with the process. I still don’t know what is going on with Superman but I’ve gotten word that he is alive (I did have my doubts) and since no one knows when he is coming back, I’ve decided it’s time I move on. I didn’t make the decision purely based on Superman disappearance  but also on what I think Coach Chuck can offer me over the course of the next three months. I’ve trained with him twice and how he talks to me is a big factor in making the final decision. He uses words I need to hear now. Words that I’ve used since the beginning of  journey. He says things like “Your body wants this”, “this is all a mental game, don’t let the mind control what the body wants”, “You want this? You work for it”. In just the two times we’ve worked together he has pushed me to what I thought were my limits and then he pushed me past them. Both Superman and Coach Chuck are all business but there is something else in Coach Chuck that I didn’t find in Superman and that’s a desire to push as hard as possible and then push again because everything is possible.

I seriously wanted to throw up after 10 minutes of our 60 minute session. It’s a series of what I can only describede as some crazy form of crossfit stations that go something like this:

(all 45 seconds each station)

  • Bench Press
  • Bench Squats
  • Kettle Ball Throw
  • Core Knee Pulls (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach)
  • Vertical Jumps (alternating left/right position) onto step
  • Hopscotch Ladder
  • Forward Bench Press with Suspension Straps
  • Row with Suspension Straps
  • Full Squats with Suspension Strap
  • Core Alternating Knee Pulls with Suspension Straps (push up position, feet in suspension straps off the ground and then pull your knees into stomach alternating left/right – kind of like riding a bike)
  • Vertical Forward Jumps onto step
  • Criss Cross jumps on Hopscotch Ladder

That is one round. Repeat for three rounds then curl up on the floor like a baby and that is what we did today. He’s all about endurance training and I am all about building that endurance. I’ll take the necessary steps to transfer my trainings over and forge a new relationship with a new trainer. Now to come up with a superhero name…

Train of thought number two: I ran for six miles yesterday. A new distance record for me as I work to run longer and faster. It took me 1:19:00. It’s the first run I’ve actually been disappointed with since the start of my running adventures. I was disappointed because half way through the run (and the farther point away from my destination I hit a rock right in the middle of my heel while wearing my vibrams. It made for a painful situation. One where I had to stop and consider how I was going to get back to where I was going. I had to walk for a little bit but it’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to run. the entire time I was walking that damn recorder was playing in my mind. Telling me I’ll never be a runner. Telling me I’ll never run fast. Telling me I’ll never make it to a half-marathon let alone a full marathon. It took a lot of effort to get my feet to move faster than a walking pace. Eventually it happened and I finished the route. I shouldn’t be disappointed. I should be jumping up and down for joy at having surpassed my last run by a mile. I should be patting myself on the back for mustering up the willpower to keep running. All these “I should” and yet I still walked away disappointed. I’m not sure if this ties in with my recent employment situation but it has been a depressing conversation in my head. One that just shouldn’t be allowed to exist. I remember crying and hugging myself after running for 5 minutes straight (and maybe 1/4 of a mile) and thinking how awesome it was and yet yesterday I wasn’t good enough after running for almost 55 minutes straight and clearing close to 4.5 miles before stopping due to an injury to my heel.

I have a lot of emotional work still.

Train of thought number three: I have seen 199 enough this week that I am confident it will happen on OWiS #27. Barring a massive salt intake or TOM it will happen and I am ready to enter a new phase of this journey. I’ve lost almost 65 pounds since January and for the first time in my adult life I like the way my body looks. I am moving away from this being a weight loss journey and moving towards this becoming a journey of strength. I am confident in this new phase the weight will continue to come off my body but it won’t be the focus any longer. I’m going to move away from stable exercises like the elliptical and stationary bikes and move toward less stable exercises (swimming, weight training, outside biking, spin class, running and endurance training). The stable exercises helped me lose the first 65 pounds. Unstable exercises will not only help me lose the next 35 pounds but will also make me leaner, stronger and much more fit.

That’s what I want.

That’s what I’m going to get.

Seeing 199 on the scale has been monumental. I don’t feel fat anymore. I don’t see myself as fat either. I see the small pudge in my stomach or the under arm flabbiness and I think “it’s only a matter of time” because while I look in the mirror and see my stomach/under arms I also see the  muscles in my thighs. I see my biceps and I see new part of my body one: my collar-bone. I didn’t see those things 6 months ago, but I see them today.  Hard work, sweat and a gazillion tears are paying off by giving me the body that I was born to have. The body I abused for the last 25 years has accepted my apology and is moving forward business as usual. If I can do this in six months…

Think what can be accomplished in a year.

Fourth train of thought: All is okay in my world. Last Wednesday everything came crashing down around me as I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I’ve had a few panic moments and one fight with my husband (as to be expected I guess) but a week later, I am doing okay. My interpreter friends have helped me tremendously in giving me contact information for various opportunities. I thank them and the universe for looking out for me. There isn’t much work out there (Summer is always slow) but there is work and I will find it.

There are some plans being jostled around in my head that while I want to share with the world, I need to just sit on them for a bit longer before making any sort of commitment. These ideas include leaving the profession of interpreting and venturing off into a new career. One that would require me to go back to school after 10 years. I am building a stronger body, now I also need to think about building a stronger brain. I see the change that can happen in people and I want to be a part of the change. I want to be the catalyst to that change. No not want, need. It’s time to refocus what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up and it’s time I make it a reality.

This is one crazy ride and I’m glad I got on!





When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade…

27 06 2010

Throw the damn glass at it!!!

This post is long in coming, but has taken forever to actually leave my brain, travel down my fingers onto the keyboard and make it to this blog. I’m still at a loss for words over what has transpired over the last week or so but I also can’t just not at least try to make some sense of what can now be described only as a true wrench in my life.

Without going into too much detail, I have been relieved of my position as a video relay interpreter for Sorenson communications as of last week Wednesday. To say I’m a little shook up by the entire situation would be a severe under estimate. I’ve been with the company for almost three years to the date and I walked out of there on Wednesday feeling like nothing more than a five digit number (my interpreter number used to identify myself) that had no value to the company except to process as many calls as possible so that the upper echelon of the company could reap the benefits of my work.

I’m trying my best to stay in the moment and to use the tools I’ve learned in the last six months to keep myself grounded in today and not go off into “oh my god, what am I going to do next week, next month” mode. It’s not easy. In fact it’s downright craptastically difficult. I’m trying to refrain from disconnecting my cable, turning off my internet and asking for my money back on all the training sessions I’ve purchased. I’m trying to refrain from selling everything in my house that isn’t nailed down. I’m trying to keep my thoughts right here in front of me and remember that this is not the end of the world.

It easy to feel like it is.

To know me, is to know that everything that used to define me was wrapped up in my work. My work made me a worthwhile person. Work made me a social person. It made me feel important. It kept chaos at bay. Work was  what kept me sane. Over the course of the last six months I’ve come to understand that work not only DOES NOT define me as a person, it also cannot make my life any less complicated. My life is complicated because I allow it to be that way. So the only way to combat that is to not let it get that way. Sounds easy enough…

I’ve taken the steps to file for unemployment. I’ve continued to go to the gym everyday this week (and now that there is extra time staying for longer). I saw Coach Chuck on Friday and it was pure awesomeness. I’m reminding myself that there is some money saved up for a few months of house payments and come the end of September I’ll go back to work at the local community colleges in this area. I’m thinking about the paths I want to take in the near future and how I’m going to make sure those paths are successful while I travel on them. I’m thinking about leaving the profession of being an interpreter all together. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was in elementary school and it’s what I’ve enjoyed doing the last 10 years of my life. I’m looking to get more personal with people now. I’m not sure what that means but I want to experience the change in people that I’ve experienced over that last six months. I have something inside that needs to connect with people that feel there is no chance to live a different lifestyle. The change in me is the change possible in anyone. I want to be a part of that change, that solution, that feeling of “So this is what it means to live life”.

My husband has been extremely supportive through out this whole “holy hell I just got fired” feeling. He drove me back down to work to collect some of my things (most of which I just left behind), my food (cause you know I’m not leaving no Trader Joe’s food behind) and has been a constant ray of light reminding me that all is not lost. If unemployment comes through I should be okay for the summer time. If not, then we’ll figure out what to do at that point. I have some 401k that I can plug into if need be. I’m just going to relax over the next couple of weeks, pick up some sub work here and there, and live life the best way that I know how…

Digging Deep and then Digging Deeper!!!

  • I will not allow myself to get depressed. There is nothing to be depressed over. This is just a situation, this is not the end of the world.
  • I will not use food to make me feel better. Food is fuel. Food is not my therapist. Food is part of the solution. It is not part of the problem any longer.
  • I will not allow the old sabotaging tapes to play inside my head. I will not look in the mirror and think negative thoughts about myself. I will not look at my body and tell myself I’m ugly or fat because I am neither of these things. In fact I am 60 pounds lighter today than I was six months ago and I actually enjoy looking at myself.

  • I will continue to get out of bed and I will continue to move forward.
  • I will go to the gym everyday for at least an hour. Breaking a sweat will be a priority over the next couple of weeks. This is the most important journey of my life and it will not take a back seat for anything.
  • I will continue to see a trainer twice a week. I have 25 sessions paid for so there is no need for me to do anything but use them. Coach Chuck said he can give me at least two weeks of sessions as well before a decision has to be made about whether or not to switch over. This will put me at the end of September at which time I will re-evaluate whether to continue with trainer.
  • I will register for my triathlon and I will continue to train. My husband forbade me to even have one miniscule thought about not participating in the September triathlon. That’s why I keep him around!!!
  • I will continue to run. In fact I will be able to participate in the July 17th 10k run here on Vashon Island. I registered and then found out I had a work related workshop that I was required to attend. No work = not required.  Things are looking better already!

Life will continue to move forward. It’s only been a few days and over the course of those days I’ve felt a plethora of emotions. I’ve cried and laughed. I’ve shouted and stomped my feet like a three year old. I’ve also danced around my living room, excited over the possibilities…

Life isn’t over.

It’s just different.

Watch for that glass cause I’m giving it a good throw at life!





OWiS #26

26 06 2010

There is so much going on in my life right now (physically, emotionally and mentally) that I’m having a hard time sitting down and putting it into words. I have a much longer (more winded) post coming about this past week but need a few hours of alone time to really get it all sorted out.

Many milestones achieved with this weigh in.

Six month mark of this journey.

60 pounds loss!

Running 5 miles without stopping!

The numbers:

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
  • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
  • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
  • Week 22 = skipped
  • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
  • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
  • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
  • Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
  •