Forgive me Father…

10 04 2011

 

Okay maybe I haven’t sinned but there are some things I need to confess and it’s high time I pulled up my big girl panties and tried to put some sense to the thoughts going on in this crazy brain of mine.

Before I begin, I wanted to take a few paragraphs and talk about my friend Meegan (RedStar5) a bit. I’m mildly obsessed with her (in a good way) I love her and she needs to have some mad props thrown in her direction. We’ve known each other pretty much since the beginning of my LCJ. You know how that works, you some how find your way to their blog or vice versa. A comment gets left here and there and before you know it a friendship blossoms. You friend each other on facebook, and twitter and over time you come to realize that this is the one person that may actually get you in ways other people don’t. Stories are so similar (and yet so different) you feel like you’ve known each other for a lifetime…

Meegan is my lifetime.

The sad part of this friendship is I live in my little city of Tacoma way over here in the very corner of the Northwest and she lives in Halifax (That’s Canada for all you geographically challenged readers!). That puts about 2700 miles between us. No girl’s night out for us (sad)…that is until she came to my neck of the woods (Vancouver BC) this past weekend.  We’ve been planning the get together for the past four months and finally Val (SeattleRunnerGirl) and I hopped in my Dusty and drove north to spend the most awesome not enough time 2 days with her. I won’t go into too much detail because she’s agreed to write a guest post for me about #FoL (Festival of Love and we have the shirts to prove it! – there’s a dirty joke in here somewhere) but on a more personal level I feel like I found a long lost family member…a sister, a mentor, a confidant. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that connection with someone and it was awkward to feel that with someone I’d never even really had the opportunity to physically meet in person until just a few days ago. It was solidified that I am indeed very blessed to have Meegan in my life and I’m even more blessed that the friendship will continue for a lifetime.

The reason my heart swells when I think about her is because she’s not afraid to ask me “why “on so many things that I talk about. I’m not used to people asking me why, delving deeper into what I’m saying or what I’m doing. And to be honest with you, it’s a little mind shaking because many times I don’t know why I’m saying what I’m saying or doing what I’m doing. I mean I think I know, but then she gets my mind thinking in ways I’ve never really examined.

Here is where I get to the “confessional” part of my blog. I’ve been sick (as the entire world probably knows by now) and took a week off from the gym / running. It played havoc on my psyche. I had to put in on my blog that I was going to let my body rest because if I didn’t I would have continued to go to the gym or run despite the crud that was invading my body…

It was hard. In fact, I didn’t even take the entire week off. I made it as far as Friday afternoon and finally gave in to needing to break a sweat regardless of how I felt. Thankfully my body had recovered enough that doing a short run wasn’t too bad but I missed it…

Just like I missed playing video games

(addiction)

Just like I missed eating until I could make myself sick

(addiction)

Just like I missed working 65 hours a week

(addiction)

The amount of times I workout during the week has become another way of identifying myself and how I feel about who is looking back at me from the mirror. I’ve gotten down to 155lbs and can I let you in on a little secret? Part of me feels like that’s not enough. I could do more. I could go down to 150. But in the beginning of getting to goal weight, I wanted to be 160 and felt really good about how that felt on my body when I reached that number. But now I’ve seen the scale dip down to 154 and my brain is starting to think in  unhealthy terms that maybe I should just shoot for 150…

I never wanted to be 150.

I don’t want to be 150.

Who I think I am is wrapped up in how many classes am I taking at the gym and how many miles am I running each month and to be totally honest with you, I’m not so sure I like it too much. Yesterday morning as I was putting on my running clothes, upset that the rain hadn’t stopped I sent message to twitter about the rain keeping me from running (because even as well as I was feeling I knew running in the rain was a bad idea). Meegan sent me a text to my phone:

“Do you think sometimes the fitness compulsion is replacing other habits of ours (old habits) like food etc and the reason it’s hard not to move is because it’s the new compulsion which is okay because it’s healthy? We have to find balance even with the active stuff and it’s HARD XO

(okay seriously I wish I could just shrinky dink her and put her in my pocket)

We chatted via text a little bit more and the rain stopped. I should have crawled back into bed with my sleepy husband and my two sleepy dogs. I should have been okay with the run I took on Friday. I should have unstrapped my shoes and just taken a deep breath.

Instead I ran.

She got my mind thinking a lot. I felt it while I was running. Too much concentration going on with the conversation inside my head and not enough concentration to what my feet were doing. My weight loss journey is over. I should be happy and proud to say “Yes I’ve lost 115 pounds” but in reality I feel like being able to say “I lost 120 pounds” is something even bigger and more impressive. Fuck seriously Tara? Yes, seriously. I wanted to be happy with the scale saying 160 but now that it says 155 I freak out if it creeps back up to the 158. Serious? Yes, I am being serious. I feel like if I don’t go to the gym for multiple hours every day then people are going to think I’m weak…worse off I think I’m weak.

Serious Tara?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I like to nip things in the bud before they become a serious fucking issue with me. I don’t like to pussy foot around with my journey. I’m here to live. I’m here to love myself and right now I’m about to make a confession:

I work out too much.

I’m making a formal commitment to stop that compulsion before it becomes an addiction. I’m through with addictive behavior. It hasn’t done anything for me but cause chaos. I don’t do well with chaos. I do well with getting to the root of the problem and implementing actions that creates peace in my life. Sometimes, however, I need someone to take me by the shoulders, give me a good shake and say “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!”…

(Thanks Meegan.)

That being said there are going to be some immediate changes to my work out schedule. Here’s what it looks like at the current moment:

  • Monday: 5a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Tuesdays: am run 530p – 745p Sculpt class, bootcamp
  • Wednesday: 5a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Thursdays: 430a-6a Godfather 530p – 745p Sculpt class, bootcamp
  • Fridays: 5a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Saturdays: Long run in am
  • Sundays: Rest day

This adds up to about 15+ hours every week doing something physical…not including the random weight lifting I do in my living room or random short runs I try to fit in when the weather is nice. Considering I’ve never upped my calories and have continually eaten around 1800 calories, you can see where this is starting to be a problem. I’m not going to give up all my classes but I am willing to give up a few here and there and cut back from 15+ hours to something more “normal”…

  • Monday: 515a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Tuesdays: 640p – 745p  bootcamp
  • Wednesday: 515a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Thursdays: 430a-6a Godfather
  • Fridays: 515a – 730a Stairs, boxing, swimming
  • Saturdays: Long run in am
  • Sundays: Rest day

This will bring me down to about 10 – 11 hours per week. It adds a Tuesday sleep in and a Thursday night at home. I know logically you (proverbially speaking) don’t really care whether I work out 3 hours or 20 hours a week…but that little voice (the one that has so much control) is screaming at me “Everyone will think you’re weak”. I know logically you (again proverbially speaking) don’t really care whether I relax a little bit about what I put in my mouth and how many calories I’m eating…but that little voice (the one that has so much control) is screaming “Tara, you’re going to get fat again”. I know logically you (yep proverbially speaking) won’t think any less of me and will in fact probably think better because here I am once again making the necessary changes on this ever changing journey but that voice…

The one that has so much control.

Says I have no right to motivate / inspire in my own chaos.

Oh this journey of mine.

Every changing.

Ever evolving.

But at least I get to sleep in on Tuesdays.

 

 

 

 

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15 responses

10 04 2011
Meegan (redstar5)

I’m wicked proud of you over here in Halifax. This is strength in ways we never ever imagined. And this IS inspiration. And its the big stuff. xoxo

Guest post enroute pronto.

10 04 2011
Miz

necessary changes on this ever changing journey

and smart and healthy ones.

xo xo

10 04 2011
Misty @ Life Off the D List

this leaves me thinking 2 things

First, good for you owning this. Change is hard especially when it comes to addiction. Its not easy, we have to completely reformulate the way we think about things and do things to change. This is exactly why I feel that this journey has to treat both sides of the coin…we cant work on just the physical and not the emotional. Something happened to us emotionally to get us here and we have to heal that part for the physical changes to be positive and lasting. You can do this Tara, you are owning your emotions and you can be the one in control, you are already.

Second…even with your slight reduction in your workouts its still a lot. Only you know what is the right amount for you. The thing that sticks out to me is your calorie intake with all that energy expenditure going on. It seems like you will still be creating a positive energy expenditure and burning way more than you are taking in even at 1800 calories per day.

All that being said you are still amazing and you inspire me and show me this can be done…now go kick some serious ass even if its your own and find what works for you!

10 04 2011
alifechangingjourney

I’m working on upping my calories too. But that’s a whole different blog post lol (and probably another therapy session)

10 04 2011
Misty @ Life Off the D List

I ❤ therapy right now…just started again and love my new one
cried all over the poor lady's couch the first session lol

10 04 2011
Kelli

Tara –

I have to say that I am so freaking impressed that you have grown enough to be able to identify that this is becoming an issue for you! The last time I was super successful in losing weight was when I was in high school and I was a complete exercise addict. I would workout 2 hours every morning and evening. And then of course, that became completely unsustainable and I got frustrated and threw in the towel and ballooned up in weight.

Its funny because this time around I am hyper aware of not letting exercise become an obsession or addiction. There are days when I actually WANT to workout twice in the same day but I find myself a little afraid to do it for fear that I will set up a realistic expectation in my head that twice a day is necessary (when rationally I know its not…but that’s how our f’d up brains work on this journey isn’t it?)

Anyways, I am so glad that you are able to recognize that you are bordering on trouble and that you are making active changes to get it under control.

YOU ROCK!!!

10 04 2011
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

AMAZING is what you are! Yes..that balance comes from NOT replacing the addiction with another! It all takes the cycle of reflection, movement, reassessing, and the bottom line………..Self-discovery!

10 04 2011
DareToBecome

Beautiful post…to be able to see oneself is a wonderful thing. When you repeated “someone will think I’m weak” it hit a chord in me and makes me wonder the same thing about myself. Wouldn’t it be a huge thing if we could all really not care at all about what other people think of us? Because I know that what other people think of me is their weakness and not mine, but it still digs.

10 04 2011
Rita

Thank you for sharing that Tara, no one talks about the goal weight thing enough. When you get there it’s almost like a challenge to go lower, especially when you’ve never really been there before.

It’s all about learning to be gracious towards our bodies so they can foster our spirits and that is one hard road. But balance is different for everyone, some people’s balance amount is another’s person’s overboard. The motivation is the key and it sounds like you’ve figured that part out.

10 04 2011
stacy

tuesday = good. you = smart. Good girl!

10 04 2011
seattlerunnergirl

That Meegan is one smart cookie. I think these changes are hugely important. You have to find a life you can sustain FOR a lifetime. And you have to find a way to live that isn’t about what other people think or even you judging yourself, but you LOVING yourself. And I think this choice is a decision of self-love.

10 04 2011
Hanlie

I love your insight here!

And yes, I have made such connections with certain people through blogging that I will just have to cross the Atlantic one of these days and visit! I totally get your connection with Meegan.

12 04 2011
KCLAnderson (Karen)

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating…often: your awareness is truly astounding. I knew you lived in WA but didn’t realize you lived in Tacoma! My stepdaughter’s husband is from there and his mother, father and younger brothers still live there. I am sure we’ll be out there at some point and so we’ll have to get together!! And as it turns out, Halifax is one of my favorite places on earth!

When I think about the things I’ve been addicted to, I realize that I “dabbled.” With food I “only” got to 230 lb. With money, I “only” got into a little bit of debt. With drugs/alcohol I “only” let it go so far. Do you know what I mean? It was the same thing with exercise…I remember when I was doing my LCJ the first time around and I had wanted to get down to 149 lb. I “only” got down to 168 and that’s all she wrote. So I started exercising like a fiend…it didn’t “work” and so that was the end of that and then I regained half the weight I had lost.

12 04 2011
Rachel

I’m really loving this blog entry. I’m glad you’re realizing what you’re realizing and doing something about it. You deserve to feel safe and stable, Not in panic mode for taking a few short days off from exercising. Balance is a bitch, but it’s doable. You haven’t been at goal weight forever either, I’m assuming it’ll take a few months, couple of years to deep down accept it. And you will, because you’re different and you’re just never goin back to EFT. Period.

You – are fabulous.

14 04 2011
FattyBoobaLatty

This is one of those posts that I need to read, but I wish I hadn’t. It gets me adding up my work out time (13 hrs/wk) and then wondering if it’s too much and then thinking – no way, I’m at the beginning of this journey – surely I should do more. There are more hours in each day that I am not using.
I read about you taking a break because you were sick and I know I need a break to let my knee heal and for a second I consider it – but just as quickly I push it out of my mind. I’m at the beginning of my journey and I feel like taking a break is tantamount to quitting.
I thought I had taken control of my eating and my activity this year, but now I am afraid it has taken over me.
Ugh – you and your damn thought provoking posts.

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