Coming to terms with “Lifetime”…

6 04 2011

 

http://farm3.static.flickr.com40 years.

14, 600 days.

350, 400 hours.

That’s how long I refused to stand up and take control.

The reason I put these numbers out here is for a perspective of how I’ve been feeling the last week. I’ve been really sick. So sick, it’s caused me to take a break from the gym, from running, from doing anything that would cause me to break a sweat. This has caused major havoc on my emotional state of well being. It’s been difficult for me to be nice to myself. It’s been difficult for me to not have moments of panic that I will wake up some morning having gained all my weight back. You can tell me all you want how illogical this thinking is (because I already know that) but it still happens.

I’ve found myself fighting the urge to binge. I’ve found myself crying in the middle of the library because I missed a friend so much I couldn’t get my shit together. I cried in the car while eating two Luna bars because I wished they would magically turn into a greasy McDonald’s super sized meal with a side of Jack in the Box. I thought about pushing down a little kid when her mom picked her up to soothe her, so that I could stand there with my arms open with snot running down my face and say “mommy, pick me up instead”…

I’ve been sick for week and I’ve not been very nice to myself.

I’ve put myself down.

I’ve thought mean things.

I’ve allowed myself to say and do things that I wouldn’t allow someone else to do to themselves. I’ve convinced myself that in the course of a week, I’m going to ruin all the hard work I’ve been doing. I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t eat because I won’t be able to offset the calories by going to gym. For the last 7 days (168 hours) I took myself down to a deep and dark place.

This isn’t about what happened during the last 168 hours.

This is about understanding that this journey is a LIFETIME. Some days there will be awesomeness. Some days there will be sickness. Taking a week off from the gym makes me neither lazy nor weak (no matter how strong that EFT voice is). Taking a week off makes me in tuned to what my body needs even if it’s not what my body wants. The emotions that I’m feeling are real but they are also carrying around the sickness that I’ve physically carried in my body for the last week.

As the clouds of sickness begin to break up even just the littlest of bits I can see with clarity that the way I feel about myself is based purely on being sick. To take care of myself is just as deserved as running miles / beating down the boxing bag or making good food choices. Sleeping for 12 – 14 hours a day is not a sign of being lazy, it’s a sign of being sick. Having a desire to eat what I consider comfort foods (mashed potatoes and creamy soups) is not because I don’t have the will power to make good food choices, it’s because I’m sick. Taking a week off to trade in my work out clothes for pajamas and fluffy socks is not because I’m giving up, it’s because I’m sick.

In the grand scheme of things 7 days is a blink in my lifetime.

This is for the rest of my life. This journey. All the good with the bad. All the healthy movements with the stay in bed days. All the good food choices with all the comfort food choices. All the bright eyed and bushy tailed days with all the days that I just can’t stop crying. All the good feelings about myself with all the not so good feelings about myself. This week has been hard on my emotions. This week has been hard on my physical being. This week has just been plain hard.

Next week better watch out cause I’m gonna kick its ass!

 

 

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10 responses

6 04 2011
Kari

You go get em girl! I can’t wait to hear about your workouts next week. ๐Ÿ™‚ Are you starting to feel better from the sickies?

6 04 2011
rantsofaloser

If I were next week, I’d watch my fucking back.

What more can I say? You put things into such clear perspective, even when you insist your thoughts are convoluted. This post is a glorious reminder that, fuck, we’re human. Our bodies get sick, our minds get weak. But in the end, we’re strong enough to pick up where we left off.

You fucking rock, Tara. I hope you’re back to 100% soon enough.

6 04 2011
Jessie

Areyou starting to feel better? I love the perspective this post brings. It shows that you know exactly what’s going on. It made me feel better to know I’m not the only one who craves comfort foods when sick. You are going to rock the workouts next week! Take care of yourself!

6 04 2011
krisgetshealthy

I hope you have this post saved somewhere just incase you need it the next time you get sick. I can relate to your post on a lot of levels, I hate to get sick for the same reasons you do, but I also struggle with some chronic health illnesses. Nothing that will kill me but some things that cannot be ignored at times and it REALLY sucks! There really truly are days where I fight and scream and cry and really do throw a tantrum because it is so hard to just be sick. I cannot let myself be weak. It leads to failure and breeds contempt for myself deep down into my very being!

I hope that you are starting to feel better. Let the sickness run its course as much as it sucks and you will kick ass next week. Your body will thank you for letting it heal. (hugs) LOVE YOU TARA!!!!!

6 04 2011
chris

I get this post completely…I got sick and was off for a week and it was really really hard to not exercise. Really hard. I swear I could feel myself getting fatter.
I was so freaked I went back and exercised too soon…then decided that I was not healed and it set me back even further.
We didn’t get obese overnight..and we won’t get obese overnight. It is a long hard walk out of that mindset. We’ll get there.

7 04 2011
Hanlie

You certainly sound better! Good for you, Tara!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how incredibly hard we are on ourselves. How much we strive… To me, sickness is the body’s way of getting some rest and pampering.

7 04 2011
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball that we have to strike out to get to hitting it out of the park! For me, that is where the CHANGE in the journey takes place..those things that happen no matter what we try to control! Taking care of us..which includes our bodies is ALL of that…each day what it brings to us …to our plate and “resting” on our laurels to provide the energy and strength to kick ass…on another day…

YOU got this one too!

7 04 2011
Nicole D

Looking forward to reading all about THAT!!! Hope you feeling better soon!!
kthxby
๐Ÿ™‚

7 04 2011
Nicole D

Hope you’re feeling better soon! (sheesh)

8 04 2011
tj

I think most of us on a weight loss journey can relate to this post…I know I sure can. My days are filled with FIGHTS. I plan on fighting this battle surrounded by supportive people who understand that in the past ONE bag of fast food was never enough. I would do McDonalds & Wendys…or Taco bell. :-/ There are strength in numbers and we all need to lean on each other when times get tough. WE CAN DO IT! ๐Ÿ™‚

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