Food issues, I have them…

20 03 2011

www.csc-ut.org I don’t talk much about my relationship with food. It’s personal, extremely private and it is riddled with so many dysfunctional aspects to it I could fill a few encyclopedia size books with how my life interacts with the food I consume.

I recently started reading Geneen Roth’s “Women Food and GOD” and while I can’t claim it’s been absolutely life saving, it has done some pretty amazing things in opening up my mind (and heart) examining how my relationship with food is an exact replica of the way I look at life.

I want to do a full review of this book but I’ve found that I’m only able to take in a couple of pages at a time. I will read something and then need a few days to digest a particular paragraph/idea. I originally got the book from the library and about 1/2 way through had to purchase it so that I could start to dog ear / mark / high light things that were true for me (read: the entire book). I’ve restarted to book so that I could go at a slower pace instead of worrying about being charged the daily late fee of $.10 from my local library because I’m pretty sure I never would have gotten the book back in time.

Bottom line: I have some serious issues.

I’ve known this since I could remember thinking “the way I eat isn’t normal”. I’ve known this since I started using Bulimia as a way of feeling in control of my food. I’ve known this for most of my life. The difference is that while I know I have some serious issues I am also willing to take these issues apart and rebuild them into something more functioning, more healthy and more life sustaining. My weight loss journey would only be successful for the short term if I was willing to spend a few hours in the gym each day and live by a calorie in = calorie out kind of mentality but I’m not in this for the short term.

I’m in this for a life time.

So why am I blathering on about all of this? You’re probably asking yourself “where’s the examination?” “when is she going to let us in on the secrets?” Truth is I’m beating around the bush. I sat down to blog about some of the reasons why I panic over my food and how that in turns plays out in how I panic about my life but I’m so full of angst at the moment that I’m not even sure I could begin to blog about it.

In fact I know I can’t.

But here is what I can tell you. I do panic over my food. I panic there won’t be enough. I panic that I will wake up some day and I won’t have access to any food. I panic that someone is going to eat my food and leave me with nothing. I panic that I won’t eat enough and when I go back for more it will be gone. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. Truth be told; it’s the only way I remember thinking about food. Did it start because I had three older brothers that ate much more than me and learned at an early age to grab and eat what I could before they ate it all? Did it start because as a child I resorted to stealing money in order to buy food because I wasn’t sure if my mom would come home at night? Did it start because every relationship I had as a child was neither consistent nor healthy and it manifested in how I looked at my food (neither consistent and far from healthy)? Are there a million other factors to the panic?

Yes.

Panic over food = panic over life.

My life is in a constant state of panic. There won’t be enough work. There won’t be enough money. I have to check my banking account multiple times a day to make sure there is still money in there. I can never be good enough. I can never do enough. I can never make anyone happy enough. I can’t sit for long periods of time without feeling like I’m failing at something (relaxation does not come without a lot of conscious effort). I usually do more in the first hour I’m awake than most people do in an entire day but when I lay my head on the pillow at night, it’s never enough.

So that’s where I am with this book. Not too far into it and needing to start over to digest it a little more. Reading it a little slower and a little more open minded. I think once I’m done blogging a little more about it I’m going to do an official giveaway of the book.

I promise to let you in on the little secrets.

Just as soon as I let myself in on them.

Oh and I’ll tell you the story about cans of pie filling.

Yes I said pie filling.

 

Advertisements

Actions

Information

6 responses

20 03 2011
JamieLynnDodd

I don’t know where to start. I guess, first… I have to say I’m proud of you for continuing to get the tools that will help you and for sharing something so personal. Second, I’d have to say you opened my eyes quite a bit since I was agreeing with so many of your statements about food, knowing that my views are incorrect…but mainly because I see some of what you said happening in my youngest daughter’s life right now. That scared me. This was a wake-up call for me, Tara, and I can’t thank you enough for it. Starting today I’m going to seriously address both my ideas and the ideas forming in my daughter’s mind. I have a chance to stop the cycle 🙂

20 03 2011
Raeanne

I can’t sit for long periods of time without feeling like I’m failing at something (relaxation does not come without a lot of conscious effort)

this is something i also struggle with… and i have a lot of the same issues. so much easier to just ignore them, but…… our weight loss, health, happiness…. will not sustain that.

thanks for being so brave.

20 03 2011
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

Issues with FOOD…yep…panic…anxiety…All those things that were and are inconsistent and unhealthy…..

Let’s the journey CONTINUE!

20 03 2011
Hanlie

I identified with so much in this post.

I have exactly the same issues with food! It all ties in with not having enough, being enough. I must always grab for more and hoard some.

And I think I restarted WFG about three times, and I could only read a little bit at a time… It literally made my head spin with all the TRUTH!

What a blessing it is to be able to work on our issues!

22 03 2011
Sarah

I just ordered the book on Amazon……..I love good reads and advise from others on good books. I relate to so much of what you write…….and thank you. You help myself and many others with your words. I also totally get what Raeanne said …

“this is something i also struggle with… and i have a lot of the same issues. so much easier to just ignore them, but…… our weight loss, health, happiness…. will not sustain that.”

It is so easy to ignore…..and it is work and time and conscious efforts to take care of ourselves. But with your words we can all do this!!!!

24 03 2011
thea

This hit so close to home that I am a bit speechless. Wanted to say that I hear you, feel your words, and that you are not alone. There are many of us secretly, and not so secretly in the same boat.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: