Someday I’ll get it right…

16 01 2011

Until then I’ll stumble along on this path…

This path called life.

It’s been a rough week for me. Emotionally, physically and just about every other “ally” you can think of. What started out as strong and full of fight on Sunday morning, has pretty much deflated and turned to mush on this Sunday  morning. This blog post is purely for me and my need to work some shit out. I forget sometimes that the reason I started this blog was so that I could record what I was feeling and going through, not to just get as many subscriptions, views and comments as possible. I’m not writing as much for a few different reasons: one being lack of time due to work constraints but also because I’m spending too much time focused on whether or not I think someone is going to actually read this shit. One of my biggest flaw is that I am too wrapped up in what others think of me.

The other big flaw:

I’m too wrapped up in what I think of myself.

It would be different if the next words coming out of my mouth were “I think too highly of myself”, “I’m better than everyone” “No one is going to be as good as me”. Instead the words are more like “Fuck Tara, not again” “What the fuck is your problem” “Are you ever going to get it right?” “Why do you even try?”

That’s where I am right now and I feel like I’m here more often than not these days. I’ll have a great day emotionally and physically and before I can blink an eye, I’m feeling so crappy about myself I can’t even look in the mirror.

On Wednesday I went out with Val (Seattlerunnergirl) and Sharla (262journey) for a “girl’s night” out. Now to know me is to know I’ve got little to no experience on being “a girl”. I can put on a dress. I can put on some nice shoes. I can cross my legs like a lady but hanging out with friends I consider girly girls and doing girly stuff makes me feel like an ox in a very small glass room. I don’t think it was the actual act of getting a pedicure done that caused the angst but rather the idea of doing something nice for myself that made me feel pretty that caused the angst.

I get my toes done and feel really pretty. I feel good about hanging out with them and not having a panic attack. I pat myself on the back and call it a win kind of night. Thursday I wanted to keep the “girly” stuff going so I head to Macy’s with a gift card I received during Christmas. I felt confident that I was going to find something girly other than underwear and off I went…

It didn’t go as planned.

In truth, it was the demise of where I am this week and my feeling of “it’s never going to be right with me”. I spent over an hour looking for something in the woman’s department and in that hour I went from “Tara, you got this” to “Tara, what the fuck are you doing here? You don’t belong here. You’re not pretty enough to buy this stuff”…

I left angry.

Disappointed.

Defeated.

Instead of dusting myself off and moving forward, I went home and in anger ate all the crappiest food I could get my hands on. As soon as I started to eat, I knew I was going to make myself purge. I haven’t felt that desire since June and I tried to talk myself out of it. Then I got really mad at myself for even being in the position to think about purging.

I thought I had this shit under control.

I actually had a conversation with myself about what would be worse: keeping the food in my stomach and thinking horrible things about what I ate or get rid of the food and think horrible things about myself for purging. In the end I didn’t keep the food down and my emotional state has been declining ever since. To say it’s declining solely based on the act of purging wouldn’t be accurate. It was the catalyst but it is not the reason I’m still feeling out of sorts even today.

I’m slowing way down emotionally in hopes of being able to get a grip on what’s going on inside my head. My weight is up but only because I’m super stressed out around money and up coming events (we are going to AZ at the end of the month for husband’s surgery) and as of last night his truck broke down and now we’re trying to figure out how we’re going to pay to get it fixed.

I am definitely the bug.

Not the windshield.

It’s hard to convince myself that “this too shall pass”. I know it will. Historically speaking it always has. It’s just taking a lot longer this time. I’m trying to keep calm and stop thinking that I’m going back to a lifestyle that is full of hate and self sabotage.

I know it won’t happen.

It can’t happen.

Just keep swimming.

 

 

 

 

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14 responses

16 01 2011
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

I am always happy when you write for YOU….because that is when I feel the closest to you write for me!

When my step-dad passed last week…my immediate thoughts were to hit the chocolate…and at first I did…but then I reached out…and that is all it took…sometimes we get SO caught up in the emotional OLD to just let us feel alive that we do not realize that being alive is just being…..whatever state we are in!

Love u Tara!

16 01 2011
Raeanne Sisson

hug.

16 01 2011
Renée (@lowfatpie)

One day it’s going to be right with you Tara, it just takes time. Hang in there baby. I understand this way of thinking and in fact often said “what the fuck is wrong with you?” to myself about 172 times this week. But you have to keep going. Take every day Tara and find something in that day to celebrate. It’s ok to make mistakes honey, if you are learning something from them. xxx

16 01 2011
KCLAnderson (Karen)

There’s a lot of freedom in giving up the illusion of control…and the idea that there’s ever a moment in which we finally “get it right” and never mess up again. Life is messy…it’s messy when we’re fat and it’s messy when we’re thin. So here’s the thing to remember: messy does not EQUAL fat. Take a deeeeep breath and realize that you are okay, right this very minute, messy or not.

16 01 2011
runlikeagirl

It’s always easier to forgive others than it is yourself, isn’t it? I just started following you on twitter but when I read this today, first thought that occured after was GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Struggling and feeling defeated sucks, but this too shall pass. We can’t let bad times rule or define us.

Hugs to you.

16 01 2011
stacy

I still believe in you…hiccup and all.

16 01 2011
Laurie

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I could feel your stress as you wrote this post. Yes, keep swimming, you will not return to your previous self, you have come to far. Your just in a hard place in your new strong and beautiful self.

16 01 2011
chris

Pretty is a sense of being. I don’t know how to explain it better. You have the body…my friend is like you. I can tell her and tell her and tell her..but she either doesn’t hear it or doesn’t believe it…and I can’t make her. Pretty is something you have to believe on the inside. not to be trite but kind of like sandra bullock in that movie that Ican’t remember the name of because that would be too convenient right now….Same woman, different attitude. Pretty is really just loving yourself enough to take care of yourself. And to do that you have to love yourself. And that is what you have to do. Love yourself.
replace the tape. Shred the old one.

16 01 2011
jord

Miss Congeniality?

16 01 2011
Merry

I can relate. Just went out tonight and bought all this crappy junk food simply because I was depressed and frustrated and tired of being ‘good.’ Like eating junk food is going to help the situation.
There’s something about Sundays that is just damned depressing.

16 01 2011
Bethany

So glad to have found your blog. Thank you for your honesty and sharing.
And I agree with the other comments, there is not one final “right” where everything just holds still and is perfect. Hope this evening is feeling much better for you.

Bethany
bgettinghot.blogspot.com

16 01 2011
jord

Tara- I feel like a fraud doing girly things. I’m barely past that bull in a china shop feeling when I get a pedicure. And I still have it for shopping. Let’s not talk about how intense that feeling is when I get my hair done. My mom came over today and declared that I am more of a girl than she ever was because I can French braid my hair (which I’ve only been able to do for about 6 months). I had absolutely no training from her in being feminine. (Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.)

You’re right- this too shall pass. Just breathe. Focus on Arizona because that is the biggest thing coming up right now. Everything else is water off a duck’s back. It’s okay to withdraw into yourself. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It certainly doesn’t feel great, but it’s normal to feel it.

I don’t care if I have to come down and be your shadow 24/7- YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK TO OLD TARA.

17 01 2011
seattlerunnergirl

So much wisdom in these comments.

Karen’s reminder that messy does not equal fat.

Chris’ reminder to replace the tape and work on loving yourself above all else.

And Sharla’s reminder that you aren’t going back. You can’t. You can’t live and see the truth and light that you’ve experienced and go back to the dark.

So, I’ll just add my voice in a “me too” and say that I love you and I know you will be okay. And if you need to vent to get through feeling like you’re not okay? Then do it. Here. Or call me. Do what you need to do to get through.

Love you, boo!

19 01 2011
Coleycole

Please don’t stop writing……I need it for my own selfish reasons. I’m with you on this one- I need to get over my embarrassment on having gained so much weight. How in the hell did I let this happen……..?

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