A new type of Self Sabotage…

18 12 2010

I knew when I wrote my last post I should have waited just a little longer…

As I began to write it, I could feel all the negativity pouring out of me. One of the most important parts of this LCJ that I’ve learned is negativity has very little room in my life. I’ve worked hard to stay in the moment and remind myself that bad feelings are usually temporary. In the past I would have let negativity fester like an infected wound. I would have picked at it until it bled and then pulled the scab off of it until all that remained was a scar to continue to remind myself how much I hated myself.

I didn’t like the words coming off of my fingers:

ANGER

DISAPPOINTMENT

DISGUST

Those are no longer words that I allow myself to define who I am. They don’t belong. I was in a lot of pain and in that pain I allowed negativity to creep into my emotional state of well-being. I stopped writing because I didn’t want to continue to validate how I was feeling about myself. I watched a movie, iced my foot and spent some much needed time inside my head.

“I am a runner”

“Pain does not define me”

“I will recover”

“I deserve to heal”

WHAT?

I deserve to heal? It never occurred to me that taking the much needed time to heal my foot was not because I was weak and didn’t know how to be successful in my journey but was because I deserved to heal. Then it hit me: I was self sabotaging myself just as much as if I was eating a gallon of ice cream because I was mad. I was mad because at 40 I decided to do something about my weight (physical and emotional) instead of when I was in my 20’s or 30’s. I was mad because I’m still trying to figure out this whole running thing and I got hurt in the process. I was mad because for the first time in my life I’m really moving physically and here I am too hurt to even put my foot on the floor.

Forcing myself to run when it’s not comfortable was (and is) just another way of letting the negativity fester. Thinking that I deserved to feel pain because it proved that I don’t know how to be successful was (and is) another way of pulling off the proverbial scab over and over again until an emotional scar appears.

Well that’s not who I am.

Not Today.

Not Ever.

Period.

By the end of Thursday night I was feeling 100% better (both emotionally and with my achilles). I got to talk with Michael and learn first hand that I shouldn’t be scared to tell someone that I might not be able to run a race. I had decided to step up to the starting line for the upcoming 10k with the mutual understanding that this was not a race for time but rather a race to finish: even if that meant I walked for most of it. It was more important for my emotional well being to at least try to do the race then not try at all.

I stepped up to the starting line this morning knowing I might feel some pain, knowing I might walk more than normal and knowing I might be slower than I would like to be. I also stepped up knowing that my awesome running partner was not going to be mad, disgusted or disappointed if I needed to adjust what I was doing. That negative thinking was all EFT and she hadn’t been invited to this party.

I ran.

I felt very little pain.

So many awesome things came out of this race. I ran my fastest 10k (56:55). I ran a consistent 9:11 mile (my goal for 2010 was to run a consistent 10 min mile). I placed 5th out of my age division (I’ve NEVER placed in anything). More importantly I crossed that finish line knowing I deserve to heal not because I am weak…

But because I AM STRONG!

 

 

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10 responses

18 12 2010
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

Bravo!

18 12 2010
Kari

So glad to hear you are feeling better! I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I hurt for you when you were hurting. I too worry about missing even one workout for fear that all of the weight will come back on overnight. I’ve been learning that sometimes my body needs a day off and that I can do nothing better for my body than take a day to take care of myself. Great job on the 10k. I’d like to sign-up for another 5k once the weather starts to thaw. Take care!

19 12 2010
MizFit

I was watching yer tweets like the proverbial hawk, too 🙂
so glad you made it ROCKED IT and most of all conquered this:

It was more important for my emotional well being to at least try to do the race then not try at all.

19 12 2010
KCLAnderson (Karen)

Re negativity: it happens. It’s not “bad” to have negative thoughts. In fact, if we didn’t have them, we wouldn’t have positive thoughts, either, because we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

I am reading an amazing book called The Gifts of
Imperfection by Brené Brown. Talk about a game-changer. Anyway, here’s something that resonated with me and it may do the same for you:

“Mindfulness means taking a balanced approach to negative emotion so
that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore
our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness
requires that we not over-identify with thoughts and feelings, so that
we are caught up and swept away by negativity.”

She quotes a Dr. Kristin Neff who says that self-compassion has three
elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Her definitions for self-kindness and humanity are as follows:
“Self-kindness means being warm and understanding toward ourselves
when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain
or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”

“Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal
inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something we all
go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.”

19 12 2010
seattlerunnergirl

“That negative thinking was all EFT and she hadn’t been invited to this party.”

That’s what I’m talking about right there. EFT is a part of you and it will take some time for her negative voice to get fainter and less insistent. As Karen says, it’s not possible to not have negative thoughts. But it IS possible to refuse to let them overwhelm and take hold inside you. THAT is what you did here.

Congrats on the PR, but more importantly, congratulations on knowing that you are worthy and loved and beautiful and deserving, pain and all.

19 12 2010
Merry

It was more important for my emotional well being to at least try to do the race then not try at all.
Yes! Excellent. I’m glad you tried. Also, I’m glad that you were prepared to listen to the body if it really was in pain. I always have trouble trying to tell when I should stop to heal and when I should keep going to finish. I think you’re achieving that balance between the two.
Good job!

19 12 2010
chris

Better out in the universe then held in and poisoned. let it out, let it go.
Good job moving on.

19 12 2010
Sarah @ FatLittleLegs

You are amazing! You rocked the 10k!!! Whenever I read your posts, I just can see myself in so many of the things you say, and they are all spot on. It really helps me deal when I can’t sometimes, just to know I’m not alone, so thanks!!

19 12 2010
GeorgiaBE

I hear you on the “I deserve to heal”–that’s something I’ve really had to work on over the years. To understand when and how much to push is a wonderful victory!

19 12 2010
beej

Tara, I’m so proud of you! Yeah, I’m proud that you posted your best race time and hit your 2010 goal; but more than that, I am so proud that you identified and owned your fear of failure and your beat that fear.

All of us should take a lesson from your experiences!

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