Pain…

16 12 2010

I have it.

I have no idea how this particular blog post is going to pan out. I have a lot on my mind. Most of it fear based and probably a little on the negative Nancy side but I need to get this out. I tried to let my mind process what I’m feeling but so far it’s done nothing but left me in tears, panicky and wanting to stuff my face with enough chocolate to feed a small village.

This post isn’t about the specifics of the pain: My Achilles hurts bad, I didn’t take care of it the way I should have. I thought I could grit my teeth, continue to run and it would go away. It didn’t. I’m now considering paying out-of-pocket (Neither my husband or myself have insurance) to see a sports medicine doctor /physical therapist to figure out how to really get this healed up.

This post is about the mind games EFT started playing on me immediately after my Achilles started to hurt more than I’ve ever remember it hurting yesterday. Even right now as I’m trying to get my words onto this blog, EFT is screaming that I’m a failure and there is no point in even blogging because nothing I say or do will make the situation better and I should just close up shop and call it a day. My fingers are stuck on the keyboard. I’m staring at the screen trying to tell myself to keep going, keep typing, get those thoughts and feelings out so that they don’t fester inside of me.

I’m experiencing a lot of fear right now.

The pain in my foot is almost unbearable. Along with that pain comes the inability to stay in the moment. I am all over the board in the way I am thinking about myself. I’m convinced the pain will never go away. I’m convinced I’ll never run again. I’m convinced that I’m going to gain all the weight back. I’m convinced all those recorded tapes in my mind are coming true and that I am a failure. I’m afraid to call my friend Michael and tell him that maybe the 10k race on Saturday is a no-go. I’m afraid to admit that this pain is more than I’m prepared to handle. I’m afraid that the way I feel about myself right now will never go away.

My husband told me to talk to myself like a would a friend that had come to me with these thoughts but I can’t. I feel like I don’t deserve to hear what my friends would tell me or what I would tell my friends. Listening would entail taking care of myself and to be totally honest these feelings of anger / disgust / disappointment are pushing any logical thought process out the door.

I’m mad.

I wouldn’t be mad at a friend if they were hurt.

I’m disgusted.

I wouldn’t be disgusted if a friend told me the pain is causing them eat uncontrollably.

I’m disappointed.

I wouldn’t be disappointed if a friend had to back out of a race due to pain.

I can’t go on with this post because my mind is filled with negative thoughts and I think I need a nap before I bust open another xmas bag of homemade chocolate. I tried to work it out here but I’m at a stand still. No use in forcing myself to write something…

 

 

 

 

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16 responses

16 12 2010
heyelsa

Just keep breathing. Your idea to pay a sports med doc to see you is brilliant. See? Something good was generated by your pain. If you continue to train over the pain, you could mess up your Achilles for a way long time, so just take care of it right here, right now. That is self-care at its finest. And you’ll be back to running sooner, stronger, and with more confidence. You’ve made it this far. Maybe the rehab plan will be the same kind of deal as the eating plan – you’ll have a plan, a schedule to follow, and that will be your anchor. YOU LOVE YOURSELF and we love you too, and that’s why you should get good counsel and good treatment.

Go. You’ll love yourself even more. And tell EFT to fucking SUCK IT. You can tell her that’s from me.

16 12 2010
Deb

Hugs to you my friend! When negative thoughts start in our heads it is so very hard to stop them.
But once I accept the situation I am weather it’s crying, screaming or whatever things slowly start falling into place. You just need a release of some sort to help you start gaining control again.
You are not a failure if you have to back out of Saturday’s race. You are a smart woman for doing so. If you run, you have a better chance of making the pain in your Achilles worse. You don’t want to do more damage to your AH. You need time to heal and you also need down time of your own. You have done so many amazing things this year.
Hey you are going to see a sports doc. that’s awesome, see you are being proactive in caring for yourself and not dwelling in the pain and just letting it heal on it’s own. You are taking care of yourself.
So what you had some chocolate – Chocolate is good for the soul 🙂 And you didn’t eat a small village yet, so you are in CONTROL even though you don’t feel you are.
I don’t like EFT! She needs to know that you are AWESOME, TALENTED, LOVING, SMART, BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, SEXY and a FIGHTER! You will never give up on yourself no matter what she has to say! Maybe I better get my pink boxing gloves out and take care of her 😉
xoxoxo

16 12 2010
Ring Around Rinn

You deserve to treat yourself well. This includes the things you think about yourself. You are an amazing person who does amazing things. This is not confined to you as a number.

Take care of yourself. Don’t run that race. Heal. Have faith in the process. You will run again. You will not gain the weight back.

Love and Hugs.

16 12 2010
AFG

Hugs sweetie. I’m sorry you are having a tough time. It will pass. You will get through it. You will not gain the weight back. Just take care of you.

16 12 2010
seattlerunnergirl

Whatever it is inside of you that is telling you that you don’t deserve understanding and love and compassion and help is a LIE. DO NOT buy in to that lie. What would you do, how would you feel, if you saw one of your friends treating herself like this? Worse yet, what if you saw someone else treating one of your friends like EFT is treating you now? That’s what I thought – you’d bring the biggest smackdown known to man. So let me bring the smackdown on EFT. You are no longer welcome here. We feel for you, for the life you didn’t get to live, for the fear you are feeling, for the pain you’ve experienced. But that fear/pain/hell does not give you the right to inflict similar pain on healthy Tara. So stop it, or get out.

16 12 2010
Cheree

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kick EFT’s ass more.

And you know what?

I AM mad that you’re giving EFT’s negativity free rent in your head.

I AM disgusted that she won’t STFU already.

And I AM disappointed that she won’t let you see this for what it is:

A setback. MAYBE.

TEMPORARILY.

This is but a temporary sidelining due to – hopefully – something silly and small and easily recoverable from.

Immobilize it.

Ice it.

Take anti-inflammatories.

Rest.

And, Tara, think about it. You have a SPORTS INJURY. Isn’t that awesome?!?!?!? A year ago, would you have ever conceived that you’d have a SPORTS INJURY not from trying something you weren’t prepared for or able to do but, rather, because you’re out actively doing something you enjoy and are good at?

That is SO AWESOME!

As for EFT, tell her to Suck It Up, Buttercup, and then present her with a bill for the rent. She definitely owes you!

16 12 2010
jord

Oh, Tara. It’s okay to be mad/disgusted/disappointed. It took me 8 weeks to get out of this. My only suggestion is that you don’t wallow in it for that long. Take your nap and then get out of the house. Can we do coffee tomorrow? I’ll drive down to you.

16 12 2010
Heather

You’ll never go back to being that weight, because you’re a different person now. You’re not the same. You’ve changed. You’re aware and you’re stronger. You’re injured: OK, heal and move on. You will. If you can’t run anymore then you’ll find something else. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months and have been amazed by your courage and resiliency. Even though right now you have forgotten you possess it doesn’t mean it went anywhere. You’re hurt. Take care of yourself and know that it’s ok to be scared. But it’s not OK to self-sabotage. So put down the chocolate, remind yourself of how far you’ve come, and how far you will continue to go. It’s called a journey for a reason.

16 12 2010
Rachel

Awww, major hugs sent from Detroit! Sometimes you’re just gonna feel like crapola. Even keel is the goal, not blinding happiness every day. Use your tools and try not to binge. EFT needs to go away for realz, she’s a figment of your imagination and not your higher self. Far from it. Much love gorgeous!

16 12 2010
JP

Tell EFT to get bent. Athletes get injuries. Congratulations on being an athlete. I agree with chim chim cheree, but I totally understand. You started your mission to take better care of your body, and this is time to take care of it in a different way. If a carpenter doesn’t take care of his tools he can’t work. If you don’t take care of your wheel, you can’t run.

If you feel bad because EFT is a negative bitch . . . sign up for another race before you cancel this one. Just make sure its 6 months down the road. If that tendon snaps or tears a little its bad bad bad bad news.

thanks for sharing so much. EFJ comes up from time to time and I just drown him in water. I’d try and shoot him, but I saw Fight Club. I don’t think I’ve got that good a shot.

16 12 2010
MsMel

Get to the doctor and get a true assessment of what is wrong — even if you go to a free clinic — to learn if you should stop using your foot for a little while. Being unable to walk indefinitely is NOT an option for you.

Breathe, rest, and once you know the diagnosis your mind will slow down, and shut up EFT.

You are NOT alone and you can win if you take time to care for you, like you would a friend. 🙂

My heart is with you, and I’m sure Michael would totally understand about the race.

16 12 2010
Miz

Lean on me. I’ve been there. I am there. Pain messes with our thinking and brains. Especially the unrelenting kind.

xo

16 12 2010
Mitch

Learn from this and pay for a qualified doctor’s opinion. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with no productivity. I’d rather regain some weight now then not to be ever able to run again in the future.

17 12 2010
Sarah

You will not gain back 100 pounds because of this. You will not fall into bad habits because of this.

Take a new approach: what CAN you do? Swim? Bike? Upper body lifting?

I’d also suggest looking into organizations in your area that may be able to help you pay for a doctor. Start with your local hospitals — their billing department may have some starting points for you. Another option is took look to your local running clubs for help — they may have monies they can spend to help you at least get a consultation.

Above all, hang in there!

17 12 2010
Sarah

Pain sucks. Hard not let the fear overwhelm you.

My only words of wisdom, one foot in front of the other, every single day.

17 12 2010
Laurie

I love that your husband asked you what you would say to a friend. I’ve been asked that by bloggers before, but what a cool husband question. And, yes it is hard to imagine being as gentle to myself as I would be to other. But, if I could, what a gift that would be to me.

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