A lesson learned…

14 11 2010

Okay so check this out.

I wanted to do a post about the positive things happening for me since losing weight. I can be pretty intense in my writing (really Tara?) and I won’t lie; the intensity is what brings the readers to my yard. However, there is much more to this LCJ than just sweating, crying tears, having epiphanies and daily episodes of self-examination. There is more than just facing fears, trying to stay in the moment, surviving momentary freak outs and constantly thinking about how I’m going to actually make all these choices (decisions, actions, movements) stick around to become a lifestyle change not just a change for the moment.

I sat down this morning in front of my laptop.

I’ll be damned if I can’t begin a simple “Hey, way to go Tara” post.

Immediately my heart rate went up. My mind went blank. I actually thought to myself “Self, there is nothing you’ve done worth being proud of“…even I have to say WTF?!!? I started this damn post about 15 times, each time never getting past the first line before hitting the backspace button and staring at the blinking horizontal line waiting for something positive to come to my mind. Every time something good came me, I replaced it with the old “yhea but” mentality:

I can wake up and run 6 miles without blinking an eye

(But you injured your achilles because you don’t know how to run)

I can fit into a size 32 pair of pants

(But you can’t go into a name brand clothing store to buy them)

The scale says 168

(it will go back up)

I can lift some pretty heavy weights

(But you still have sagging skin that makes funny sounds because it slaps together when you walk)

I make pretty good food choices

(But you need a therapy session to eat a slice of pizza)

I am much happier today than this time last year

(liar)

GAH!!!! So frustrating and yet such an eye opener for me to realize just how much emotional work this journey is even at this juncture. In reality, the emotional portion of this journey is probably at it’s hardest right about now. I want to enjoy the weight loss. I want to enjoy the notion that I am successful and I am worth living a healthy life. I want to enjoy the slice of Costco pizza without feeling like I need to go the the gym and repent of my food sins. I want to see what others are seeing when they look at me. I know I’ve said this many times before that I thought the negative voices of my former self would go away with the transformation of my now self but I’m wrong. Those negative thoughts / voices / perceptions have prepared themselves for the battle of a lifetime.

They are armed and dangerous

They are strong

They are determined

They think they will win this war and that I will go quietly and without a fight

.

.

.

.

.

WRONG!

This is a change for a lifetime. PERIOD! I may not be my own best friend but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some shitty ass voices talk me down from where I am and go back to a life that wasn’t worth living. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some sad childhood memories keep from making new memories of me being strong, successful and happy to be the adult I have grown into. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit on the sidelines and let those voices (memories, feelings, flash backs, emotions) keep me from being the quarterback of my own life. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to negate all that I have done and survived, not just in the last year but in my entire life. NO! NO! NO!

*Totally crying right now*

A note to myself: Cry your eyes all you want and try to tell yourself you’re not worth it. Try to tell yourself that you don’t deserve to take credit for all the hard work you’ve put into making yourself a better person. Try to tell yourself you’ll never be better than your brothers and that your mom was right all along. Try to tell yourself you don’t deserve the love of your husband, your family and your friends. It’s all a lie and you know it. Deep down inside you know that this is not how you deserve to live your life. Deep down inside you know you are a good person. You keep fighting Tara. You keep looking at your body and you keep allowing yourself to be amazed at the person you have become. I know the only way you can even write this at the moment is by writing it as if someone else is telling you these things because you can’t tell yourself. You may hear those voices telling you that you are nothing but I know that you are something. I know you won’t give up so easily. I know you’ll continue to move forward.I know you will prepare for the same war that those negative thoughts and feelings are preparing for.

I know because I’m right here with you.

I love you.



 

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22 responses

14 11 2010
Jules - Big Girl Bombshell

Oh…living the lie…THAT is where I am today and scared to death BUT I want to LIVE…so THAT will be finding itself in my writing this week….

My epiphany yesterday …Day 1 Week 2 C25K….. The WANT to run became stronger than my need for a slow…suicide…………..

But more on that later………

Your words are a gift for me…….

15 11 2010
263andcounting

Thanks Jules.

“The want to run became stronger than my need for a slow suicide”

Man, that’s some powerful stuff right there!

15 11 2010
jpnagan

wowzas! That’s a shot of adrenaline into the heart.

14 11 2010
SoHelpMeKath

Thank you for putting this out there. I’m trying to start over—again—and it’s important to know that this mental battle is never really won. I lost 60 lbs 4 yrs ago, and regained because when I “arrived,” it didn’t get any easier. I gained back everything and more.

Four years later, everything is still hard…and I’m up 90 lbs from 4 years ago. Just typing that makes me want to crawl under something and die, but there’s nothing for it but to keep trying.

*sigh*

15 11 2010
263andcounting

I think when we come to the understanding that while the mental battle may *never* be truly done, it does get easier. The more tools (and in this case armor) we give ourselves the easier it is to battle the old self and allow the new self to shine!

14 11 2010
Keeping the faith « …So Help Me, God!

[…] 14, 2010 in Uncategorized | by Sandwiched This was a comment to Tara’s post from this morning. I’ve been horrible at posting; maybe this is […]

14 11 2010
Heli

This is what I’ve been waiting to hear from you for a long time. 🙂 Step back. Lower the intensity (at least on some days.) Get more sleep. Rest. Breathe. Do more things that have nothing to do with exercise or eating. Think about the concept of maintenance: it’s the work you’ll do to keep those 100lbs off and keep your muscles strong. Maybe you’ll lose a few more. Maybe you’ll gain a couple and maintenance for you will be a low-level battle to keep losing those last 5lbs. I’ve heard a lot of talk about how maintenance is harder than losing. I completely disagree. (Disclaimer: I lost 80 & kept every pound off for many years til I had babies–pregnancy & nursing changed everthing.) It’s hard, it’s different, it’s a new game, but once you take the time to accept what you’ve accomplished, you MUST take the time to enjoy it or it was in vain and you’ve traded a fat problem for a slim problem.

As hard as you’ve been pushing for the past year, you need to spend just as much energy now on shifting gears and accepting and trusting the new Tara. Every bite of food doesn’t require an equal and opposite number of minutes at the gym. It’s scary but the more you take risks with Costco pizza the more you’ll believe that it won’t undo your progress as long as every bite is mindful. For me, successful maintenance is knowing that if I eat mindfully and carefully about 90% of the time, that other 10% will be taken care of by the regular exercise that will never stop being part of my daily/weekly routine. I don’t think about a piece of pie equaling x minutes on a gym machine, to me that’s unhealthy disordered thinking. Just live. Love. Eat well. Exercise. Relax.

Hugs to you, and congrats!

15 11 2010
263andcounting

Thanks for this!

The “stepping back” process is difficult for me because those voices are just getting louder and louder saying “you’re not doing enough and that’s because you’re not good enough”…

The difference this time is I’m going to let those voices keep talking because talk is cheap and action speaks louder than words!

14 11 2010
jen (@jeninrl)

you are intense! and I know I dont comment enough but I love reading your posts! you have kicked major ass and you keep sharing all of it – the good, the bad, and the ugly (thoughts) – because they are all part of this LCJ – thanks for all your YOU-ness!

15 11 2010
263andcounting

Funny, the title of the post was going to be the good, the bad and the ugly.

I just kept focusing on the ugly and bad!

UGH.

14 11 2010
Nicole @bodybybeer

4 years ago was the start of my LCJ. I lost 98lbs in just over a year. (This year was all about losing the 20lbs I gained back)

The hardest part in this journey is all emotional and mental. Where part of me is proud of my achievements, I fear I will always mentally see myself as the ‘fat girl’. I’m not though! I see the pics of myself and I think “that’s not me, something with wrong with this photo”

I’m trying to make a concerted effort to beat my own emotions to not fight myself and just stick with the feel-good-happy-feeling of knowing that I came this far.

And just an FYI, you are beautiful and your can knock down mountains because you are THAT hardcore, don’t let anyone (not even yourself) take that feeling away from you. ❤

15 11 2010
263andcounting

Thanks for this Nicole…

I’ll take the physical part of this journey over mental / emotional any day!

14 11 2010
Jessi

You ARE beautiful.
You ARE worth it.
You ARE lovable.
You ARE strong.
You ARE an amazing wife.
You ARE a true friend.

And don’t you ever fucking forget it.

15 11 2010
263andcounting

and print….

14 11 2010
Carrie@MyHealthyJourneyBegins

Wow! The conversation with yourself is so important. Don’t shut the feelings out – you have to explore them. And in the end you remember how incredible you are. How much you’ve accomplished.

Maintaining is hard, you have to learn to trust yourself again. I’m right there with you. I always tell people that I don’t know how to be a thin person, it’s a whole new persona.

You can do it!!

15 11 2010
263andcounting

I don’t know how to be a thin person!

Here’s to becoming a life long learner!

15 11 2010
Robby

First of all, thank you for always saying what is in my heart but i haven’t been able to put to words.

The negative thoughts really get to me. My voices tell me that i’m not pushing myself hard enough, I’m not dedicated enough, I don’t want it enough. The voices say that I’ll never get thin because deep down I just want to be fat.

I lose every time I let my rational mind consider that. Have I not thrown away my size 14 pants because I think I’m going to fit in to them again (versus not having size 10/12s that look right)? Did I buy ice cream last night because subconsciously I want to undermine my diet (versus really wanting ice cream and making the best choice possible)?

I know it all sounds silly and irrational to someone who has always been thin, but that’s just the thing — our minds and bodies have been playing tag…

Mind: Body you can do this!!
Body: But I don’t want to!!!
Mind: But you’re going to!!
Body: FINE! Hrmph.

Body: Heya, mind, when are we going to go exercise?
Mind: Eh, I dunno.
Body:

15 11 2010
Robby

awww crap… hit submit too early….

Body: Heya, mind, when are we going to go exercise?
Mind: Eh, I dunno.
Body: How about now?
Mind: Not awake yet.
Body: How about now?
Mind: Fuck off, body.

Body: Man we look fantastic!
Mind: Don’t you see that love handle?
Body: What love handle? I only see muscles and awesomeness.
Mind: I still jiggle.
Body: That’s just us sending earthquakes into the ground.
Mind: **pokes at wrinkly bits**
Body: I love it when you touch me.

So yeah… the day our body and mind are speaking the same language is the day when we trust that not only has the journey been worth it, but that we’ve arrived.

16 11 2010
seattlerunnergirl

And THIS is why you are going to live a long, healthy, and yes, dammit – HAPPY LIFE. Because you KNOW how important the mental/emotional work is. It’s THE most important part. There are a hundred ways to lose weight, but only one way to become the healthiest you, and that is by doing the work. The hard work. And it will pay off. And in the meantime? You keep writing in the third person and talking to yourself and looking at your body. And you’re coming shopping with me, weeee!

16 11 2010
Nathan

I enjoy reading your blog –
Your “yeah but…” list kinda threw me a curve ball.

17 11 2010
263andcounting

Is that good or bad?

18 11 2010
Smoke Signals..Out of the Lie « Big Girl Bombshell

[…] flooded in.. answers I have known all along…Then TARA… Wonderful Tara wrote A lesson learned and my comment was strong…and […]

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