Rebellious eating…

31 10 2010

This is what I ate yesterday

I have it.

I’m wondering if this is a “normal” phase of the weight loss journey. Do you get close to goal weight and then begin to eat such random things (or back to eating in old behavior mode) that you’re not sure who is controlling your mind at some points? I feel like this is where I am right now. I spent the last 10 months regimented in my food and it did what it was supposed to do. I counted every calorie. I planned 90 percent of my meals and the 10 percent were as planned as mentally/emotionally possible.

Now not so much.

No. Let me rephrase that. I am still in control when I want to be but there are times I just can’t seem to get anything healthy in my mouth and for those few moments (or more) my mind shuts down and I consume food that would normally not even cross my mind. Then I come back to reality until the next “episode”. I’m not over consuming. I’m leaving food on my plate. I’m eating until full and stopping but the food choices are just not what I would normally choose. Friday I ate teriyaki, which itself is fine because as normal I got it no sauce, no rice, steamed veggies only but then I also got a large size of gyoza. Yesterday I went to Red Robin and ordered a hamburger, which is normally fine because I usually make the necessary adjustments (no cheese, wheat bun, nothing too fancy) but yesterday? All the fixin (minus the condiments), bacon, egg, cheese and fries! Fries for Pete’s sake?!? Oh and lets not forget the pumpkin scone I consumed after my run and the endless number of pieces Halloween candy consumed while carving pumpkins…

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill but this is not normal for me and it has been happening more and more since my trip to Houston. I feel like my mind and body are rebelling against me for what I’ve put them through for the last 10 months. I feel like I am sabotaging all the inspiration that I bring to this LCJ for other people (“Oh look at Tara – she’s not really as strong as we think she is”). I feel like I’m sabotaging myself because even as I look in the mirror and say out loud “Tara put down the candy”, I’m stuffing another tootsie roll into my mouth.

My mind is making excuses.

I ran 10 miles so (insert food) is okay.

I pack my food Mon – Friday so (insert food) is okay.

I go to the gym every day so (insert food) is okay.

I’m only up 3 pounds so (insert food) is okay.

(insert excuse) so (insert food) is okay.

Is this normal? Do I just let it go for a few weeks and stay as mindful as possible? Do I buckle down even more and continue to count calories and plan my meals even more? I feel like I’m in unexplored territory and don’t really know where to turn for the answers. Will this subside? Am I in for one hell of a ride? It was so easy for me to control the food in the beginning and yet now I feel like the food is starting to control me.





10 responses

31 10 2010
John's Weight Loss Blog

I think the fact you took a photo of it is pretty good, means you you really do want to get this under control. If I had the secret for staying in control I would surely patent it!

31 10 2010

My psychiatrist warned me early on in my LCJ, when sticking to my eating plan was easy, that eventually the binging would rear up again and I’d have to learn to deal with it. And she was right. Binging has become a problem for me again. What keeps me going is that she also said that as long as I work through it and learn how to deal with the urges, I’ll come out the other side and avoiding binging will become easy again. Or, at least, easier. It sounds like you too have reached that middle stage that she warned me about. Just don’t give up! And maybe my psych’s assurance to me that there is a next, easier, stage can help to reassure you as well?

31 10 2010
jayme @ losinghalfmyweight

You wrote: “I feel like I am sabotaging all the inspiration that I bring to this LCJ for other people (“Oh look at Tara – she’s not really as strong as we think she is”).” That thought would never cross my mind, and I think it’s safe to say that others will say the same. So take that pressure off of yourself. You’re carrying an unnecessary – and self-inflicted – burden.

You wrote: “I’m not over consuming. I’m leaving food on my plate. I’m eating until full and stopping but the food choices are just not what I would normally choose.” We all know moderation is the key. You said you’re not over consuming. That’s HUGELY important. And, since this is new territory and you’re so close to goal weight, you’ll start realizing (or I assume you do – as I’ve heard about it but haven’t been there myself yet) that you will eat differently than you have been doing in the months previously. You will eat to maintain, not to lose. That means higher calories…and that’s uncharted territory. The amount of exercise you do enables you to eat some things would wouldn’t allow yourself earlier. Is this the way your body tells you that? I don’t know.

If it’s self-sabotage, then there might be some more emotional and mental work to do. If you’re gaining, then yeah, there might need to be some re-evaluation or tweaking. But girl, you’re running a race today. You’re deadlifting an insane amount of weight. And it’s been less than a year since you started this LCJ.

There’s grace and gentleness to be had here. And it’s much easier to give it to everyone else than to yourself.

31 10 2010
Caroline Calcote

I don’t know. I think it’s normal. It’s normal for me. As long as you are balancing it out with exercise and good choices most of the time, then it’s OK. I mean, a burger and fries every once in a while is normal. But I know that it is easy to follow one bad choice with another. So easy. You do have to be careful to balance it out. You are being accountable. Sharing. Thinking about it. I think those are positive things. Maybe you are still feeling a bit of unconscious fear about reaching that magic number? What the hell do I know. You just gotta hang in there and do the best you can. I’m having a really hard time (like psychologically, emotionally) with the candy issue right now. I want Halloween to be OVER, and let the husband get the extra candy out of here ASAP. Really ridiculous for me to be having anxiety over candy. The world is full of candy!

P.S. We don’t have Red Robin. I didn’t even know you could get an egg on a burger. Wow.

31 10 2010

I don’t know if eating like that is normal, but you said you feel like you’re sabatoging the inspiration you provide. I can say that you’re not. You’ve lost nearly 90 pounds and that’s pretty damn inspiring, no matter what you’re eating. Your eating habits show that you’re human and not one of those robots who survive on only healthy food all the time. I like knowing that a human has lost 90 pounds and kept it off, even if she eats kinda wonky sometimes.

1 11 2010

ok I wanted to comment when I was NOT on handheld.

not sure what I can say here as I dont want you to think Im applying this to you as, truly, all I know is me 🙂

FOR ME IT WAS 100% part of the process
for ME it was all the launching pad to mindful eating
FOR ME it was indeed that id wrangled control over food and there was a weee bit of a battle

FOR ME it was all an indicator that I still handed over too much “power” to food and inanimate thing.

For me it was all what sparked my foray into intuitive eating.

1 11 2010

The pressure you feel to eat perfectly — is it realistic? is it warranted? is it necessary? is it desired? is it something you can do for another 40 or 50 years?

For me, I want to have a cheeseburger. I want to have pancakes. I will have Halloween candy again next year. I will eat pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving this year. I just don’t see myself ever giving up these things totally — what needs to change is how often I eat them and in what quantity. It sounds like you’re already considering all these things, and I would reiterate how important it is to allow yourself the things you really enjoy in moderation and as part of a healthy plan.

1 11 2010

Tara, I felt like that this weekend…At the university that I teach at, there were three different potlucks that I was invited to….on the same day…I attended all of them and ate a little from each. I beat myself up for it.

This weekend I had a get together at the house…there was pizza, cupcakes, beer, and candy…I ate some of that. I had a few beers. I beat myself up for it.

But then….

My wife reminded me of when I could have gone to three potlucks and done some real damage, and that was what was expected of me. No one would have said anything about it because I was 325-350 pounds… that was my lifestyle, but my lifestyle has changed now…

I had a few days where I ate a little more, so I ran a little more. I ran 9 miles on Saturday and 9 on sunday… I controlled the calories more on the days where I didnt eat a lot. We have new lifestyles now…Thats what this whole journey is about..A lifestyle..we know that the burger and fries arent the best, but we can still eat it and compensate for it..

you are awesome and dont think any less of yourself because you ate a burger or two.

1 11 2010

I’m still trying to figure out what is ‘normal’ — for me at least. You’ll get there. Just don’t stop trying. And don’t stop asking ‘why’. ❤

3 11 2010

I’ve been having similar issues with my eating lately. Things that I haven’t craved in months, I’m suddenly finding myself mindlessly binging on. I don’t know if it has to do with being close to goal weight or what, but it’s driving me crazy. Sometimes I feel like I’m out of control all over again.

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