Confessions…

1 10 2010

I miss my fat self.

How crazy of a statement is that? But I realized this morning as I was trying to pull myself out of bed at the crack ass time of 3:30a so that I could eat before going to the gym at the other crack ass time of 5:00a so that I could do my first boxing class at the third and final crack ass time of 5:30a that I am in mourning again at the loss of not having my fat self around any more.

First let me clarify: I’m talking about missing my physical fat self. My emotional fat self is still very much alive and kicking in my brain. Everyday I am working on shedding the emotional pounds just as hard as I am working on shedding the physical pounds. To be totally honest with you, the physical shedding is WAY EASIER than the emotional shedding. That is a blog post for another day (making mental note)…

How in the world can someone miss their fat self? Shouldn’t I be parading my new body up and down main street proclaiming to anyone with two ears on the side of their head that I am happy with my new body and my new-found discoveries of things like clothes shopping, comfortable theater seats and the ability to run up 5 flights of stairs without even breaking a sweat? Yes of course I should be. But I also miss sitting around for hours and hours (and hours) playing some mindless MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Disconnecting from the my sad reality, my depression and my social anxiety. I miss going  out to eat every night and gorging myself to the point of disgust knowing that I’ll either make myself throw up to relieve the discomfort or I’ll go home and throw on some XXL pajama pants to cover the bloating. I miss sitting around on the couch for up to 4 – 5 hours every night watching every episode of Law and Order/NCIS/CSI Miami I can get my hands on. I miss going to the Woman’s plus size department store and aimlessly looking at all the clothes there and wondering if this particular pant/shirt combo will hide my fat any better than this pant/shirt combo…

It scares me to know that today I can walk into pretty much any store and shop for what I want. Just last week I needed to buy some nice clothes for dinner and I spent 20 minutes looking in the size 20 – 24 portion of the store before my husband gingerly led me over to the 10 – 14 side of the store where I stared in disbelief that I shop here now.

It scares me to know that today I would rather get up at 3:30am to go have my ass handed to me by Godfather only to return that evening for a nice session of boot camp run by an actual Military Drill Sargeant.

It scares me to know that I would rather count calories and stay within a healthy limit rather than eat mindlessly and rely on sticking something down my throat for those nights where I just.eat.too.much.

It scares me to know that I can actually miss being fat, depressed and isolated from my surrounding. It makes sense though. I live with my fat self for my entire life. My fat kept me safe. My fat helped me to make the excuses I needed in order to live a life of being lazy and not taking control of my own destiny. My physically fat self kept me down…

My physically fitter (cause I hate the word skinny) self helps me to stand up.

Stand up and face my fears.

Stand up and move forward.

Stand up and take control.

I will continue to mourn my fat self because that portion of my life is over. Physically that portion is dead. I still have a long way to go in shedding the emotional pounds. But I mourn today because when we allow ourselves to mourn the dead, we come to realize one thing: They are never coming back. We let our hearts feel heavy at the loss but then over time we heal and carry on. We can’t wish for that person to come back because we know it’s impossible.

Fat Tara is dead.

She is never coming back.

No matter how hard I wish for it to be true it’s not going to happen.

She is gone.

Forever.

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35 responses

1 10 2010
Vinny

Great post Tara. I on the other hand do not believe I will ever miss my fat self when the time comes. I want to put him to rest and be done with it so I can move on living with my healthy self. I won’t look back.

Just when I was looking for motivation to get my ass to the gym and start my day…you make another great post. You ROCK…thank you!!

3 10 2010
263andcounting

I didn’t think I’d miss my fat self either Vinny. I mean we start this journey to rid ourselves of that part forever. It was an eye opener to see that I found so much comfort in my body as it was at 263 pounds.

1 10 2010
Josie

Wow. At first I was like, “huh? She misses her fat self?!” Because, isn’t that what this is all about…to get rid of our fat selves? So how is it possible that a person can come as far as you have and miss where you came from? But as I read your post it all started making sense to me. Great post as usual, Tara. Definitely gave me some “food” for thought this morning!

3 10 2010
263andcounting

This is definitely about getting rid of our fat selves. Period! And we are going to continue to do that for sure!

1 10 2010
Brandon

R.I.P. Fat Tara!!

I can understand exactly what you mean. Our fat self is the one we’ve spent a lot more time with, the one we’re a lot more used to, the one we’re more comfortable with. And in a lot of ways, being fat is so much easier.

It’s easier to just give in and have that big slice of chocolate cake.

It’s easier to stay in bed, instead of getting up at the ass-crack of dawn for another session with Godfather.

It’s easier to play that MMORPG all evening, instead of going for a run.

But in the end, being fat SUCKS.

It sucks getting winded and sweaty walking up ONE flight of stairs.

It sucks always having to shop for clothes in the “Big & Tall” section.

It sucks trying to hide from cameras, because you hate looking at photos of yourself.

I don’t miss ANY of that.

R.I.P. Fat Brandon too!!

3 10 2010
263andcounting

So true Brandon, what sucks about being fat for OUTWEIGHED (pun intended) what didn’t suck about it.

1 10 2010
Pamela

Ah, you just made me laugh and tear up in one post. YAY Tara!
@pameloth
Pamela

3 10 2010
263andcounting

I often find myself doing the same.

Daily.

Okay I won’t lie, more like hourly.

1 10 2010
sharlaelizabeth

Did you hear that? That was 20lbs of emotional weight melting off.

Goodbye fat Tara. I’m not sorry we never met. Thank you for sacrificing yourself in the name of skinny, strong HAWT Tara. You’d be amazed and really proud of everything she’s accomplished. *whispering* You and her will both be amazed by the places she’s going, but let’s keep that as our secret because even good change can be overwhelming.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here with the “even good change can be overwhelming”…

Dammit, now I need to make a mental note of that too!

1 10 2010
Sean @ Learn Fitness

I wasn’t sure what I was reading at first … much like the other commenters I couldn’t imagine where you were taking the “I miss my fat self” idea. As I read it then it started to make more sense. There are things about my old self I miss … the simplicity of some daily activities or how I didn’t need to care about what was in what I eat. I am however very happy with the new me and what I’m working toward as are you it seems.

Keep up the insightful honest posts, they’re great!

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Thanks Sean! Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with the new me and like discovering what she has to offer this world everyday. Not that being fat was simplistic in living (but maybe so since there were so few daily activities that didn’t involve sitting and eating) but it sure was a lot easier to tune out and live in darkness.

Here’s to living in the moment and just plain old living.

1 10 2010
Avery

Total guts for posting this. I know how you feel and it’s hard to acknowledge it.

Before you go all dissociative on your past, I’d like to offer an alternative way of looking at this. Fat Tara did the work to get to Fit Tara. All the traits that keep you moving forward were always there. The major change was that you let them shine on this area of your life. I just read your blog so I don’t know the rest of your life, but I’m betting that you rock the crap out of your job, or your relationship, or your tea cozy collection… or even WoW. Own the traits without tying them to the format – not “I work hard at the gym” but “I can push myself beyond all expectations when I really care about something”. This LCJ is just proof that you have the traits/character/gumption to change whatever you want. Tara does, without being fit or fat.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Very thought provoking Avery. Thank you for this.

1 10 2010
KCLAnderson (Karen)

I SO get this…and I am glad you’re taking the time to understand it now and to mourn now. I didn’t and guess what? The Fat Karen came back! She wasn’t completely dead and gone. But I’ve learned what Fat Karen really needs and am giving it to her and so she’s coming ’round to meet physically fit Karen at a more mutually acceptable place 🙂

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Thanks Karen! It’s hard to really let ourselves understand what we need and even harder to allow ourselves to take what we need in order to move forward. I’m grateful that EFT (Emotionally Fat Tara) and PFT (Physically Fit Tara) are sitting at the table and negotiating.

1 10 2010
Kyra

I’m still on my losing journey, trying to not let Fat Kyra back in to my life. It’s hard to get my ass out of bed hours before dawn to run. Fat was so much easier. Sleep in. Eat and drink what I wanted. Lie on the couch… I need to start mourning Fat Kyra now, so she knows she’s dead.

R.I.P. Fat Tara. Long live Fit Tara. She totally rocks.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Kyra, this journey is not just about losing the pounds. It’s about shedding the emotional tie to being fat. If you’re like me, being fat is secondary to what was(is) really going on. I like to say that I started to take care of my mind and heart and they started to take care of the body. I guess I don’t really know which came first though. Taking care of my body which then took care of my mind/heart or vice versa. All I know is I’m happy they are all taking care of each other now.

1 10 2010
desertagave

This post really resonated with me. I too have missed my fat self. I have gained so much through my LCJ, as you call it, but I have lost things too. I wrote once that the thing that surprised me about weight loss was how many different kinds of loss were involved. I think it is important to face up to and mourn those losses if we are going to keep going down this healthy path. And you’re doing just that in this post. Awesome.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Once you realize there is so much more to this journey than losing the weight, I think your success rate to living a healthy life goes up exponentially. It’s important to know that losing the weight is not what’s going to make us happy. Yes, it’s a component of the big picture but it’s not the whole picture.

1 10 2010
chris

I love this post because THIS is what i have been pounding for the last year.
It is harder MENTALLY than it ever will be physically and if you don’t do the mental work, the physical will revert. KNOWING IT IS EASIER, doesn’t mean you want to go back…acknowledgement, being awake…it’s the biggest part of this fight.
It is easier to be oblivious, harder to be awake.
It can be tiring…yes, our fat selves are more safe, more comforting in the short term…but our new selves, well, we will be grateful looking back.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Being awake!

THIS!

2 10 2010
jayme

thank you so much for this post, tara. in times past as well as now i have felt inklings of what you’ve mentioned but have never hashed them out fully, although i know i need to. i resonate with the section where you say: ‘My fat kept me safe. My fat helped me to make the excuses…” there are times when i wonder if i’ll try to sabotage myself in order to maintain that ‘safety’. you’re right – mourning the old self is required, but using fat to hide from fears is unacceptable. you’ve given me some tools and ideas to help work this out for myself with this post. thanks for your words as always.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

Thank you for reading my words. It means more to me than you can ever imagine.

2 10 2010
BrookeNotOnADiet

Holy crap Tara….I know exactly what you mean. This scares me too, but just like Fat Tara is dead….so is Fat Brooke.

You’re a rockstar!

3 10 2010
263andcounting

R.I.P Fat Brooke!!!!

2 10 2010
cindie

I use to get sick when I’d drink milk….my stomach would get all tore up….then one day I stopped gagging myself after I’d eat and all of a sudden milk didn’t hurt my stomach anymore….there is a freedom in allowing food to stay in the belly, I’m real proud of your achievments….you are def…. A hero to all your readers. Thx for sharing your life.

3 10 2010
263andcounting

I thought there was freedom in not letting food stay in my stomach.

I was wrong.

2 10 2010
Mary

Thank you so much for sharing the emotional side of becoming fit. Your blog is such an inspiration to me. It’s so well-written, and as much as I know it must be difficult for you to go through all these new changes, for me (someone who still has a lot of weight to lose), it’s comforting to know that it IS do-able. ♥

3 10 2010
263andcounting

You just remember Mary, we’ve all been where you are. We’ve all stood down that long road and thought to ourselves “man are you serious?” but as your DDGBD post says ALL FORWARD MOTIONS COUNT!!!

1000 baby steps is still enough to cross the finish line.

4 10 2010
Lisa

I can relate to this post. I lost over 100 pounds and for two years my life was consumed with that goal. Once I reached it I had no idea what to do or what to feel. I never missed my old Fat Self but I definitely felt UNCOMFORTABLE in my new self. I just didn’t know WHO I was anymore. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I thought losing 100 pounds would bring me happiness. And in too many ways to count it has. A recent running injury has left me feeling that way again..wondering who I am if I’m not a runner anymore? What do I do with my time if I can’t run anymore? Do I even HAVE any hobbies that don’t include fitness?

Still trying to figure all that out. I wish there was a support group for people who lost a lot of weight and are struggling with the emotional weight now…I’d definitely use it!
🙂

5 10 2010
Meegan (redstar5)

Good lord Tara – you and your wisdom! I have found myself thinking this on occaision too. You know what I think it is (at least for me) a comfort zone thing. I was mentally comfortable with the way the were. I lived there for a long time, I understood it, I knew what it all meant. Living life in this new way is like a brand new challenge every day. Its like getting up every morning and having to go to a new school. No day is like before. Shopping is different, eating is different, moving is different, thinking about all of those things is different. Its not the same degree of comfort.

I think I’m slowly “getting” more comfortable with the new Meegan, but sometimes I do think about how easy it was before because I just knew what the next day would bring and it was “safe in there.” It would have been difficult easy – meaning hard in a kind of easy way – to stay there. Its been difficult difficult to change. But goddamn its been worth it.

5 10 2010
Betsy

What a lovely post! No seriously. It’s lovely because you have reached another phase in the LCJ: the mourning phase and you are listening to and honoring the need to say goodbye to Fat Tara. Have you thought about writing that part of yourself a letter? A letter to Fat Tara from Fit Tara? Could be insightful and freeing.

Thank you for putting yourself out here so those of us slowly plodding along this journey can benefit from your triumphs. Fat or Fit you are strong and determined. Go girl!

6 10 2010
MsMel

May the Fat Tara RIP and the Fit Tara be at peace in all areas of life. The chaos will still happen around you, but to sit in the middle and be calm is the goal. You’ll get there. I know it.

6 10 2010
Good change can be overwhelming « 263 and counting

[…] change can be overwhelming 6 10 2010 I wrote a post last week about “Confessions” and saying goodbye to Fat Tara forever. One of the comments I got really struck a chord with […]

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