The case of the missing Mojo!!!

30 07 2010

A week ago I announced that I lost my mojo. I’ve been feeling pretty negative in this portion of my journey. I’ve thought a lot about why, when I should be dancing naked in the streets proclaiming my admission into the Onederland club, am I constantly looking in the mirror and not liking what I’m seeing.

Fear is the answer to that why.

I’ve been doing this weight loss / move more eat less / get stronger, faster, fitter journey now for exactly 7 months and I realize there is still so much more to go. This is a life time commitment. I don’t just want to get down to 170 pounds and be done with it. I don’t want to wipe my hands clean at the destination and call it good. I don’t want to reach that goal and take a seat on the sidelines and wonder what’s next. There is fear when deciding to make a commitment to change one’s life, especially when that decision means the difference between dying a slow death surrounded by depression and obesity or standing up and fighting for something you’re not even sure is achievable.

Even today with all that I’ve accomplished, I am still fearful losing the fight.

You’d think after losing 65+ pounds with nothing but plain old determination I wouldn’t be carrying around this fear of “what if I can’t do it”, but in fact it’s stronger now that it was when I took my first flight of stairs and replaced my first diet coke with a glass of water back in December. The fear is different, yet the same. In December it was a fear of “what if the weight doesn’t come off” and now it’s “What if I can’t run faster”. Seven months ago it was “What if I’m still hungry after eating my limit of calories”, now it’s “What if I give up during my first triathlon”. Two hundred and eighty days ago it was “What if no one believes I can do it”, now it’s “everyone believes and I’m trying to believe in myself”.

Last week I said I thought I lost my mojo. What I should have said is I’m scared. But being scared doesn’t mean I sit on the sidelines. It doesn’t mean I throw my hands up and announce to the world I’m ready to give up. In fact it’s just the opposite. Now is the time to dig deep, draw lines and scream “WWOPD”. Want to know what he’d do? He’d transform into that sweet semi truck and plow right through anything even remotely looking like fear!

WWOPD!

While I can’t transform into that sweet ass ride, I can transform that fear into determination to work harder and step with more deliberation and purpose.

The fear won’t stop me.

It will only fuel my desire to succeed.

Oh and in case you’re still wondering about the mojo, a very strange thing happened today when I decided it was time to update my wardrobe as my current selection is becoming a little more baggy and a little more gangsta than I like to appear. I brought my new clothes home and as usual went about taking pictures…

The bottom pair is a size 34 in men’s. Seven months ago I was wearing a size 44 in men’s and a 24 in women’s. I noticed something sticking out of the pocket there. Bent in closer to inspect:

AWWWW YHEA BABY!!

The bottom shirt is a 17 1/2. The top button down is a 15. Again what is that sticking out of the pocket?

SHAZAM BABY!

Seven months ago I was wearing XXL t-shirts. Today I walked out of the store with only Mediums! Wait a minute? What is that? Don’t tell me, let me guess…

That’s what I thought!

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17 responses

30 07 2010
Pam Lorenz

the scariest shit is always the best! glad you found your MOJO and keep on Truckin!

30 07 2010
jamiedodd

I love this!! The pics make a huge impact 😀 Glad you got your mojo back!!

30 07 2010
Tammy

Very happy to hear you got your MOJO back!!! I recently experienced the same feeling now that everyone is noticing my weight loss. Yes, in my heart of hearts, this is a permanent lifestyle change and I’m not going back but in my head, is what if I fail and now everybody knows. It’s so much more complicated then just losing weight. I think I’m going to look around for my MOJO, it’s been missing in action.

31 07 2010
263andcounting

That feeling of ‘what if I fail and then everyone knows’ is pretty powerful. It’s hard not to be scared, but its more difficult not to keep moving.

31 07 2010
Robby

There are new fears, new challenges once you get to your goal weight — maintenance and moderation. Just because you lose the weight doesn’t mean you lose the parts of your mind that made you heavy in the first place. You might’ve reprogrammed them, but they’re still there.

Kudos for at least being able to address your fears and rationally set out to assuage them.

31 07 2010
Meegan

YES! This is awesome. As are you.
I can absolutely relate to the question of fear. I think that’s why I’ve been looking around for the next steps. And what’s driven me to start this new Program on Monday – to give me a new focus and some new goals on the way to the being the smallest, fittest, strongest I’ve ever been. My logical side says that shouldn’t be scary. Some other part of me (usually a larger part) says that’s terrifying. We can kick fears ass I think, and love it!!! xo

31 07 2010
thenheathersaid

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this. I am so happy you found your mojo 🙂 xo

31 07 2010
Ed

this post is full of awesome!

31 07 2010
263andcounting

Same amount of awesome that’s inside of you sir!

31 07 2010
Joe

Awesome Post! Did you see mine in any of your clothes?

31 07 2010
263andcounting

Oh was that your mojo that I washed with the whites? Sorry bout that.

31 07 2010
Jo

Great post! Put a leash on Mojo and keep an eye on him this time. 😉

31 07 2010
263andcounting

A short short leash!

31 07 2010
Brandon

So glad to hear you found your mojo again 🙂

And those are some great photos of your old vs. new shirts! I’ve yet to buy many new clothes, though it’s something I really need to do, as most of them are getting quite baggy on me. I’m not sure how much smaller of shirts I’ll be able to get though, because even after losing 70+ pounds, I still have a large frame with broad shoulders, so I’m not sure how well I’d fit into a shirt any smaller than a XL.

31 07 2010
263andcounting

Oh I wish those clothes were new…I’m a fan of shopping at my local value village. 3 pairs of pants, 2 dress shirts, 3 t-shirts for $40. That’s a bargain baby.

1 08 2010
seattlerunnergirl

I think the bottom line is this: courage isn’t the absence of fear – it’s the determination and choice to keep going in spite of fear. Fear is normal and human, and sometimes even healthy. Cowering on the floor in the corner of your closet because you’re afraid? Not so much. And soooo not what OP would do. So I’m glad you’re reclaiming your mojo and I’m glad your clothes are shrinking. But mostly? I’m glad you’re naming your fear OUT LOUD and living your life anyways. Keep it up!

2 08 2010
Raj

I love this, Very happy to hear you got your MOJO back!!!

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