OWiS #30 (on a Sunday)

25 07 2010

I need to find my mojo.

I don’t know where it is but it is not residing inside my body, mind, or emotional state. I feel like my posts lately have been about how “bad” I’m feeling about myself and how unmotivated I am to keep up with this journey. Is it because I hit Onederland and am (insert any emotion) about staying under 200? Is this my sabotage weight? You know the one where you reach it and you start to get comfortable with yourself so you stop working as hard? While I’ve enjoyed not logging my calories during the weekend I’m wondering if this is now the right path to take. I make a decision and then I immediately start to question whether I’m even capable of making a decision. How do I know what’s the right thing to do?

I haven’t run since the 10k last Saturday.

I’m afraid to admit that I’m experiencing pain in my feet. They hurt all the time and I’m pretty sure it’s due to plantar faciitis. I had it before and eventually had to use splints when I slept for it to finally dissipate. I don’t have insurance and even if I did I don’t think I’d go because I’m afraid the doctor will say something like “Well Tara, you never should have started running to begin with”.

It’s a little ironic because while I look young for my age (it runs in the family), this is the first time I can say I feel my age. Being 40 and asking your body to move in the way I’ve asked mine has been difficult to say the least. It would be one thing if I had been athletic at some point in my life since there is muscle memory that helps to get you back into shape. I’ve never been athletic. Any attempts at doing some sort of sports when I was a kid was quickly forgotten about because my mother couldn’t care less about what I was doing as long as she could keep tabs on me while keeping her bar stool warm. I ate a lot when I was a kid. I would steal money out of her purse and go to the corner store and buy cans of pie filling and as much candy as possible all consumed while sitting in my room in front of the television. I remember being 9 and making french toast on my own for the first time…6 slices drenched in syrup would be a normal adventure.

When I was a small child and left alone in the house with one of my brothers to watch over me (and by watch I mean told to stay home while they went out with friends) I used to sit at the dining room table and eat sugar out of the bowl. Hours upon hours just sitting there watching the t.v. and spooning sugar into my mouth. By the time I reached middle school and was completely raising myself dinner was whole boxes of macaroni and entire Tyson frozen fried chicken boxes.

Why the hell am I even talking about this stuff?

Today’s post was supposed to be about a weigh in and it’s turned into a “holy fuck no wonder I need therapy” sort of post. I would give anything to be waking up finally out of this fat slumber and be 20 years old. Hell I’ll take 30 too. I didn’t wake up until shortly after my 40th birthday and it’s slow going and dealing with aches and pains I didn’t even know existed.

Back to my mojo.

I’m lacking it. My workouts have been less than stellar. People tell me I look great and I’m starting to think I can stop doing what I’m doing and be happy. But I’m not. I want more. I need more. I want to flex my arms and see muscle, not just the shadow of muscle. I want to see my abs not just feel them when I put my hand on my stomach and cough (please tell me I’m not the only one that does that). I want to do really awesome strong shit like push ups and pull ups  and not half assed ones either. When I play baseball next year I want the other team to go “okay everyone move back we got a giant coming up”.

Will I feel this lackluster tomorrow? I don’t know. Will I be sore and achy? Don’t know the answer to that either. What I do know is I’m going to end this post with some good news and some direction as to what I’m doing for the next few hours. First the good news: There is a loss this week and I’m officially “overweight” and no longer “obese”. I’m down 10.2 points on my bmi and that’s pretty spectacular. I’m going to put on some gym clothes and go for a run as soon as this post is over. I don’t know how long the run will be or how far I’ll get. I’ll probably walk some but I’d rather be walking and running towards a healthier life than walking towards the freezer and grabbing a box of Tyson’s frozen chicken!

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
  • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
  • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
  • Week 22 = skipped
  • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
  • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
  • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
  • Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
  • Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
  • Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)
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15 responses

25 07 2010
SeattleRunnerGirl

Dude, you with no mojo are still a force to be reckoned with. And how to get it back? You just answered your own question: you write this post, you go running. You say out loud why this is not the end of the road for you, why you want more. You trust yourself to make good decisions. You also realize all this LCJ stuff? It doesn’t happen overnight. And that’s okay!

25 07 2010
Vinny

When you have something on your mind, sometimes you just need to get it out. In a way…this blog is like therapy, you talk and your friends are here to listen.

Oh and down 10.2 point on your BMI is FANTASTIC!!

25 07 2010
Brandon

I’ve had a similar lack of mojo lately. Part of the problem is that as we lose more and more weight, it’s just naturally going to get more difficult to continue to lose.

But besides that, the psychological aspect, as you mention, starts messing with your head. You look at yourself in the mirror, and start to think “damn, I’m looking pretty good!” Other people are commenting and complimenting you on your weight. Even though we might not be at our goal weights yet, we’re starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, which in turn makes it just that much harder to stay motivated to continue pushing as hard as we’ve been pushing in the past.

But we can’t let our minds get the better of us! We set our goal weights for a reason, and we both have to keep at it, keep doing what we’ve been doing that has helped us be successful up to this point.

We’re all in this together, and you know you’ve always got lots of support from all of us!

25 07 2010
Merry

Oh, I just saw your mojo. It was standing out on the side of the road, with my mojo and a couple of surfer-dude mojos. Looks like they were all trying to hitch a ride to Seaside or somewhere similar.
What the hell. If you’re going to do a mojo-less run now, then so will I. It’s a pact.

25 07 2010
Jo

Tara, you have a lot of things to celebrate. So let the mojo go for a few days – it’ll find its way back.

Congrats on the weigh-in and BMI. I am officially “overweight,” too, but sometime this year I am going to be “normal,” as frightening as that sounds!

25 07 2010
jord

I just went though the complete lack of motivation. Now I’m in a place that’s more like… you know when you put your keys down some place and you go back and they aren’t there? And you KNOW you put them exactly where you thought you did… So the only logical explanation is that there are mischievious elves living in your house, moving your stuff around. While you have never seen them, you know there are there. That’s how my motivation is now. I can’t see it, but I can sense the wake it leaves behind as we chase each other around my life.

I hope your run went well. 🙂

25 07 2010
Sarah @ Fat Little Legs

Ahh… you’re having one of THOSE days. I hate those. Know that throughout this journey they come… and then they go. Hopefully it will pass soon.

25 07 2010
Chris

I’ve been where you are.
I had a bit there where I was pissed that I didn’t do it sooner.
Then I realized I could’ve waited even longer, and dwelling on it would only cause me to sink back into the same old routines, and did i really want to do that? No.
Now, I believe if it comes out of your head, down your arms and out your fingertips while you type… then there is a high probability that what you wrote about being under 200 as being your sabotague weight has some truth to it.
All these feelings you are having, all the memories you are having.
You are having because you have uncovered them.
Your food and your weight were covering things you haven’t dealt with.
If you have lost weight before and put weight back on, I have no doubt this is where you hit the skids.
I just wrote a post about this.
weird.
Come on over and read….It’s about what I did when I hit this spot..or these spots, there was more than one.
You aren’t done. Don’t quit, this is just the beginning.

26 07 2010
Mr. I

Don’t worry just keep looking forward and the desired results will come. It’s important that you keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. Here is a good article about The benefits of losing weight. Remember, you can only achieve positive things by losing weight so stick to your plan!

26 07 2010
Ed

Tara, the thing about you is that you know when you are lacking in a specific area and you are determined to do something about it.

When I read this post, I dont know how many times i said “that’s me.” (even with the coughing and the ab feeling.)

great job on the loss and if you find your mojo, tell it to tell mine to get back to me too!

26 07 2010
Carina

If you think it’s plantars and don’t want to go to a doc, research it online and self-treat — ice massage, use your old splints at night, etc. And don’t go for a run on it, that will make it worse and could turn it into a season-ending injury. Develop muscle memory with water running, weights or cross-training, regardless of the fact you weren’t an athletic kid, it makes no difference decades later, you can still build a muscle memory now.

A couple years ago I thought it would be cool to be a couple years older because I’d get a “free” 5 minutes on the marathon time I need to qualify for Boston, but now I’m realizing those minutes are anything but free. It gets tough as you get older, but there are tons of older people out there showing us it certainly can be done. So take care of yourself, treat your plantars, and then kick butt!

26 07 2010
GeorgiaBE

Hey! You “woke” up! Just look around you next time you’re out and about and you’ll see all kinds of people who look like they are still sleeping! And you know you don’t want to go back there again! The 190s are hard…when you hit them on the way up and when you hit them on the way down. I think of it as the transition number.
We’re both in the PNW and I’m feeling less mojo these days too….maybe it’s the weather–we’re not use to so many sunny hot days in a row! 🙂

27 07 2010
April

I found your blog on “Then Heather Said” and I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. Seriously!

28 07 2010
Jess

Look, BBee, you didn’t LOSE your mojo. It’s just on pause. You know why? Because you have been charging full speed ahead for so many months on end. IT NEEDS A BREAK. Your mind needs to catch up to your body. As in, you have to be comfortable where you’re at right now (not comfortable as in this is the end of your progress, but comfortable as in, wow you’re actually in Onederland and ROCKING IT) in order for you to push forward.

I have my 180 roadblock. You know this. But we will BOTH get through.

It’s funny. We’re on the same wavelength. I ask myself, “Is it because I ran the half?” since I haven’t run anything CLOSE to that distance since.

Your foot hurts. GIVE IT A REST. It is most likely from doing too much too soon (especially with transition to barefoot/Vibrams). You have to let your muscles grow/develop. Don’t beat yourself up over letting your body heal.

My left foot gets cramped tendons often so I constantly massage it. It doesn’t bother me any more, but I know if I don’t look after it, it’ll act up.

Be patient with your Bee. As much as you want to be Superwoman, you aren’t. You’re HUMAN. So embrace that fact. Let yourself heal. And this is only a rest stop on this highway called life.

The engine needs a rest before it overheats. Give it some time and then truck on full speed ahead!

30 07 2010
Meegan

Hello friend, have you relocated that buried mojo?
I’m hoping you’re feeling more like yourself these days.
Are you resting that foot? I’m hoping things are feeling a little more normal, definitely allow yourself the time to rest and heal and get back into Optimus Prime operating shape before you get right back into it.
I’m sending you lots of positive energy and cheering you on over here!

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