OWiS #30 (on a Sunday)

25 07 2010

I need to find my mojo.

I don’t know where it is but it is not residing inside my body, mind, or emotional state. I feel like my posts lately have been about how “bad” I’m feeling about myself and how unmotivated I am to keep up with this journey. Is it because I hit Onederland and am (insert any emotion) about staying under 200? Is this my sabotage weight? You know the one where you reach it and you start to get comfortable with yourself so you stop working as hard? While I’ve enjoyed not logging my calories during the weekend I’m wondering if this is now the right path to take. I make a decision and then I immediately start to question whether I’m even capable of making a decision. How do I know what’s the right thing to do?

I haven’t run since the 10k last Saturday.

I’m afraid to admit that I’m experiencing pain in my feet. They hurt all the time and I’m pretty sure it’s due to plantar faciitis. I had it before and eventually had to use splints when I slept for it to finally dissipate. I don’t have insurance and even if I did I don’t think I’d go because I’m afraid the doctor will say something like “Well Tara, you never should have started running to begin with”.

It’s a little ironic because while I look young for my age (it runs in the family), this is the first time I can say I feel my age. Being 40 and asking your body to move in the way I’ve asked mine has been difficult to say the least. It would be one thing if I had been athletic at some point in my life since there is muscle memory that helps to get you back into shape. I’ve never been athletic. Any attempts at doing some sort of sports when I was a kid was quickly forgotten about because my mother couldn’t care less about what I was doing as long as she could keep tabs on me while keeping her bar stool warm. I ate a lot when I was a kid. I would steal money out of her purse and go to the corner store and buy cans of pie filling and as much candy as possible all consumed while sitting in my room in front of the television. I remember being 9 and making french toast on my own for the first time…6 slices drenched in syrup would be a normal adventure.

When I was a small child and left alone in the house with one of my brothers to watch over me (and by watch I mean told to stay home while they went out with friends) I used to sit at the dining room table and eat sugar out of the bowl. Hours upon hours just sitting there watching the t.v. and spooning sugar into my mouth. By the time I reached middle school and was completely raising myself dinner was whole boxes of macaroni and entire Tyson frozen fried chicken boxes.

Why the hell am I even talking about this stuff?

Today’s post was supposed to be about a weigh in and it’s turned into a “holy fuck no wonder I need therapy” sort of post. I would give anything to be waking up finally out of this fat slumber and be 20 years old. Hell I’ll take 30 too. I didn’t wake up until shortly after my 40th birthday and it’s slow going and dealing with aches and pains I didn’t even know existed.

Back to my mojo.

I’m lacking it. My workouts have been less than stellar. People tell me I look great and I’m starting to think I can stop doing what I’m doing and be happy. But I’m not. I want more. I need more. I want to flex my arms and see muscle, not just the shadow of muscle. I want to see my abs not just feel them when I put my hand on my stomach and cough (please tell me I’m not the only one that does that). I want to do really awesome strong shit like push ups and pull ups  and not half assed ones either. When I play baseball next year I want the other team to go “okay everyone move back we got a giant coming up”.

Will I feel this lackluster tomorrow? I don’t know. Will I be sore and achy? Don’t know the answer to that either. What I do know is I’m going to end this post with some good news and some direction as to what I’m doing for the next few hours. First the good news: There is a loss this week and I’m officially “overweight” and no longer “obese”. I’m down 10.2 points on my bmi and that’s pretty spectacular. I’m going to put on some gym clothes and go for a run as soon as this post is over. I don’t know how long the run will be or how far I’ll get. I’ll probably walk some but I’d rather be walking and running towards a healthier life than walking towards the freezer and grabbing a box of Tyson’s frozen chicken!

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
  • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
  • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
  • Week 22 = skipped
  • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
  • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
  • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
  • Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
  • Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
  • Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)