Taking some much needed time…

9 07 2010

I think I’m going to unplug for a bit.

I’m not sure what that means just yet but I’m going to take a step back and slow life down for a while. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over the last couple of days and it is being reflected on the scale. There is a gain this week. I am upset over it but before I let things blow way out of proportion I’m going to take an active role in what I’m feeling and am going to take a much needed break from my life as I know it right now.

I’m allowing myself to get stressed over situations that are sort of beyond my control and that stress is manifesting itself in ways that are starting to physically take a toll on me. My body is sore all the time. I’m not sleeping well and I’m freaking out over calories that normally I wouldn’t blink an eye at. I thought the way to combat this was to push myself even more but in the end my body is physically shutting down and my emotional  state of well being is…not so much well being as just being.

I am going to skip tomorrow’s weigh in (this morning it said 203). I could blame it on salt intake, water retention or July 4th but in all honesty I’ve been eating the exact same way this week as I have for the past 25 weeks. I know why there is a gain and instead of running myself into the ground thinking that is the ONLY way to take care of it, I’m going to stop in my tracks, take a seat and seriously think about how I’m going to take care of myself emotionally first before I take care of myself physically. The weigh in would only add to the negativity I’m already feeling about myself so I can take control of that by letting it go and not worrying about what I weigh tomorrow. The gain is not food  nor exercise related. I’ve put in the work this week. It is purely stress / anxiety related. Why add to that with a weigh in?

Will I still go to the gym? OH HELL YES! Will I be wearing my HRM? Probably not. My workouts have become about calories burned not about moving and getting healthy. I look at my HRM and become upset if it doesn’t reach a specific number. This is not appropriate behavior. I see Coach Chuck Tuesday / Thursday this coming week and I’ll be going there with the most bad ass determination I can give him. Will I be going balls to the walls the other days of the week? Probably not. I’ll swim most likely or take a long walk. I have a 10k run next Saturday and I want it to be awesome. I need to remember this is a journey, not a contest and right now I feel like the latter.

I’m going to stop counting my calories on the weekends. The July 4th incident was an eye opener for me. I know how to choose my food wisely and getting upset over cheese cake and the 600 calories when I had a total of almost 2900 calories to play with and was not anywhere near that (1500 daily calories + 1338 calories “earned”) is a red flag for me. I am denying myself simple pleasures because I think that’s what I am supposed to be doing. No, what I’m supposed to be doing is finding a healthy balance between my life, my food and my pursuit of becoming the athlete I was meant to be. I will still count during the week and this by no means I’m going to be driving down the interstate looking for every fast food joint between here and Oregon. Far from it. I know how to write everything down so that I come under a net calorie intake of 1500. I make good choices everyday and I need to practice trusting myself that I know without writing it down what that feels like. If I want to eat something then I need to know that I trust myself to eat it without shame or guilt. My body wants healthy, clean food but it also wants to enjoy the food and not be bogged down mentally. I know how to push my plate away when full. I know how to take one serving and move on. I know how to say “One scoop of Pralines and Creme Please”. I know how to say “Egg whites” and “Dry toast” and “Just water for me thanks”. This journey is about learning to trust myself and it’s about time I start putting that into practice.

I am going to limit my time on electronic devices as well. Blogging from this point forward will be done at the library when possible. Wii time will be limited and if possible non-existent. I am finding myself inside the house for too many hours of the day when I should be outside participating in my life. There are parks to explore, books to be read and people to be watched. There are drives to be taken, movies to be watched and farmer’s markets to attend. I don’t care if I leave my house and go to the library for 8 hours…those 8 hours don’t need to be spent inside my house.

Over the next couple of weeks I will re-evaluate how these small yet important changes are affecting me. I will adjust accordingly. I need to remember this is my journey. I don’t need to worry about what other people are doing or how they are going to perceive me with these changes. What works for me is what this is all about. Figuring out what works for me is what makes this journey worth it!

On a side note: I can’t even begin to send out enough thanks to all of you for the support you’ve given while I’ve been on this journey. You’ve made me laugh, cry and even spit almond milk out of my nose. In all of you I find the strength to move forward on this journey. Thanks!