5 07 2010

So check this out: Life is going to get in the way. What are you going to do to make sure you’re not a casualty when it does? The reason I ask this today is because I am in the middle of this war zone called life and some times I’m not sure how I’m going to avoid being a casualty.

Is this making any sense?

To be more specific, I can’t seem to shut my brain off  long enough so that I can take the time to seriously reflect what I’m doing, where I’m going and what exactly do I want from this Life Changing Journey. Every time I take one step forward and feel good about the decisions / choices I’m making something happens and I feel like I’m taking another step back and not really learning anything from this damn journey. Every time I think “I should really sit down and make lay down some goals” I feel angst over fear of failure before I even start. Every time someone says “you’re such an inspiration” I want to scream back at them “TO WHO, CAUSE I’M NOT INSPIRING MYSELF!!!”

I am in a constant state of panic these days over work (or lack there of) and money. To know me is to know I obsess over money. This probably stems from watching my mother try to provide for 4 children while battling alcoholism and eventually losing the house I spent my entire childhood  in (15 years) and then having to move multiple times every year until she passed away when I was 20. At the moment things are sort of FUBAR with our banking situation because we had a break in with one of our vehicles last week and banking info was taken so we are in the process of moving everything to a new account but I don’t know where all the money is at this time (some here, some there…it takes time to get everything worked out blah blah blah). If I don’t have my finger on where the money is at all times, well lets just say it doesn’t help current state of well-being.

I’m in a constant state of panic over this weight loss stuff. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and see a new face looking back at me, a  new body standing before me and I wonder “is this forever?” Just when I think I have everything under control and feel comfortable with the changes that are happening, something happens and I think “Fuck, I just don’t think I can live this way anymore”. Yesterday, I went to the gym for 3 hours and 45 minutes. Why? I don’t know. I think there was this underlying fear of being out of my element (going to friend’s house for bbq) and since I couldn’t go up to a complete stranger and ask “hey, do you know how many calories are in a serving of your potato salad?” I spent 225 minutes running, doing step class and yoga thinking this would combat any over indulgence. I even decided something sweet would be added to my menu at some point in the day. I felt good about that decision. Then I went to the store to pick out what I wanted and I panicked. I looked at the calorie counts on everything and right in the middle of the store (with my husband standing next to me) I just about had an emotional melt down.

Who has emotional melt downs over cheese cake?

In the end I choose something extremely small (caramel chocolate) and split it with my husband because god forbid I eat a piece of chocolate that has 250 fucking calories!!! At the bbq I had to finally draw the line with myself because instead of enjoying the company I was with and being on the island (Vashon is about my favorite place) I thought about what I was going to eat and how it was going to affect me later (because everyone knows 1/4 cup of potato salad is going to cause a 63 pound weight gain over night right?!)

I did fine at the bbq. I ate some chips. I drank one beer. I had a burger (sans bun) and some chicken. I even ate the potato salad all the while battling the voice inside my brain that was screaming “FAILURE” at me. Six months I’ve been on this journey. Day in and day out. Not just willy nilly but full force planting my feet firmly and yet here I am still battling as if I’ve not learned anything over the last 180 days. I know I’ve said that food is part of the solution, not the problem but do I firmly believe that today?


I’m not even sure if there is a point to this post. My title is just about the only thing I can remind myself to do: Just. Keep. Moving. I have a training session with Coach Chuck today, but am feeling more than a little intimidated about going. I’m hungry but afraid to eat because of the calorie intake from yesterday. I have a well thought out list of things I need to do but am afraid to start because I’m just plain old scared to move forward.

I will go to training session.

I will eat.

I will cross off one thing from the list.





28 responses

5 07 2010

I feel ya tara. It’s like you feel so guilty when trying to relax and enjoy life with people. You worry about stupid things like food and how many calories and how much time on the elliptical will I have to do in order to burn it off. Yeah, I know that feeling. I go through it all the time. Being 20 and hanging out with friends is hard because all we want to do is drink and have fun. I figured that I can enjoy myself but I know that I HAVE TO WORKOUT in order to maintain my weight. I accept that- I don’t want to end up being paranoid about food. I want to live a a great life and that is why I keep working out. I want to be healthy not skinny. Just.Keep.Moving.

7 07 2010

Healthy is our goal Miss Molly. Healthy weight, healthy life and healthy relationship with both food and exercise. We will get this, we will be successful and we will be the inspiration to others as we move forward!

5 07 2010

Tara, I can’t help ease the stress of your employment situation because I am feeling that stress as well and not really sure how to cope yet myself, but I can give some words of advice on your eating. There are two sides to everything and eating disorders are the same way. You can over eat and not be healthy and you can under eat and not be healthy. Both ends of that spectrum are bad for you, finding the right balance is hard but you have shown so far in this journey that you have what it takes to move forward doing it the right way.

You yourself have posted on many forums telling people that their one bad choice is not going to kill them or kill their journey. What you had to eat yesterday or what you were thinking about eating did not kill you, did not set you back at all and will not stop you from moving forward. You need to not be afraid of food, that is a fear that will stop you in your tracks. So next time you are faced with a burger or a piece of cheesecake, look them straight in the errr…. bun or cherry topping and say “I am going to eat you, I am going to enjoy you, and you are NOT going to ruin my day because of it”.

Move forward and forget about yesterday’s food. It is gone and you are still moving forward!

Oh Tara….You ARE an inspiration!

7 07 2010

Vinny, you are absolutely right about both sides of the spectrum. I need to find that middle ground and be confindent that in all choices I am making, they are healthy and conscious. And the next time I see a piece of cheesecake I’m gonna lean in real close and say “This one’s for Vinny” and enjoy the hell out of it!

5 07 2010

It is understandable that you would be stressed given the situation you are in and the desire to move those negative feelings to positive ones. What is shows is that you have compassion and a desire, but things keep getting in the way and that shows up as anger. If anger reigns then eventually it results in complacency, the doubt, fears and apathy.

What habit needs to change so that you can move forward with more confidence?

7 07 2010

Whoa! Can you follow me around and ask me that question every time I falter? Seriously. I need to ponder your question and write a post about it for sure!!! Time for me to examine what habits I need to change for sure.

5 07 2010
Seth @ Fit With a Purpose

What we do is not to become obsessed with what we are doing wrong, but to embrace what is right and to make that the norm.

You are doing this for a reason and that reason is not to fret about living life comfortably, but to live life comfortably making the right decisions.

Three things I want you to know:

1. You are a freakin’ Rock Star.
2. Obsession + Worry does not = Success.
3. Accept your ability to inspire…because you do.

Keep movin.

7 07 2010

1. Thank you for this.
2. You are absolutely right about this equation. I am going to write it down and put it somewhere I can see it every morning.
3. It’s hard to accept because its such a positive aspect of my life that I am just now discovering. I know it to be true and am humbled to hear it come from other people. Mr Tyler, you are someone that inspires me everyday and I thank you for saying I do the same.

5 07 2010

Tara, I’m sorry you’re feeling so much panic over things right now. I know how hard that panicked feeling is to deal with. Boy do I. Just remember to be kind to yourself, okay?

7 07 2010

okay boobear, I promise to be kind to myself. Thanks for the reminder!

5 07 2010

Speaking for myself, the fact that you just. keep. moving. is what I find so freaking inspiring. As you can see, when things don’t go my way I hold a months-long pity party and essentially disappear/quit exercising. So obviously, following someone who handles life’s bumpy lemons better than I do is inspiring. Nobody has all their shit figured out all of the time. You are unfortunately in a position that requires time to work itself out ($$). You are under an immense amount of stress right now. Freaking out about cheesecake is a way to release some of that emotional turmoil over something that is within your control rather than something outside your control.

I’m glad it was a good workout w/ Coach Chuck!

7 07 2010

Freaking out over cheesecake just seems so weird. You’re right it was definitely a release emotional turmoil that goes beyond delicious cherry cheesecake. Feeling better today than I did last Sunday so moving in the right direction for sure.

5 07 2010

Come on – tell me that you didn’t feel at least a little better after typing all of that panic out into blog land. There’s a few things that help get us outside of our own heads: writing about it, talking about it, working it out/sweating it out, and relaxing (or trying to teach ourselves to relax…)

Take some deep breaths. Try not to push yourself so damn hard all the time (I know, who am I to talk, and its easy to say and hella hard to do), you have made super huge strides to transforming your life and it hasn’t even been that long.

Its really O.K. to take a few steps back and enjoy the view of your hard work so far. Maybe you should set a goal of having an indulgence once a week, it might not be a bad thing. And trust me, its not going to hurt anything. In fact, it might be really damn good for you. 😉

Keep hanging strong my friend, I know there is pure awesomeness in store for you.

7 07 2010

It was just a little better Meegan, it was a lot better. Sometimes I go back and read what I wrote and I’m like “Jesus Tara, relax a bit here” or “Whoa, I’m a little more wound up than I thought”. I’m thinking about making some changes to the way I’m approaching this journey…I’m not sure what that means just yet but my thought process is processing.

7 07 2010

Thinking and processing is good. I’m looking forward to reading about what shakes out of all of your internal computing!

5 07 2010

Hey tara,
That is why I have high calorie days and fixed calorie days. If two days out of the month, you have a high calorie day…you can choose the day you go to your friends house…you can give yourself permission to let it go. To not count.
That is key.
NO extra exercise.
No mental anguish.
It never happened.
We move to the next day, we pick up with our careful food choices and exercise.
Mentally it’s been a huge benefit.
Hope you grab hold of new employment soon. That will make the rest a bit easier to deal with.
Hang in there.

7 07 2010

Chris, you always have the best stuff to say. I may need to institute a calorie free day once a week where I just don’t log and get used to just letting my mind and body have complete control over what is happening. I’m a little bogged down with calories these days and it’s really playing a mental crap game on me.

6 07 2010

I wrote a pretty similar blog the other day after having a meltdown over a veggie burger in a restaurant. It’s all about the control. Everything in your life is in a bit of a flux, which has been out of your control, things you couldn’t of prevented in the slightest. But food, and exercise, is what you have been in control of the past 180 days, and has given you a higher sense of purpose and self worth. You overcompensated in this area because you wanted to balance out for the lack of control in the other areas you have been experiencing.

Not that I have a phD to back me up or anything haha, but it feels pretty similar to what I go through mate.

I think we could both do with some middle ground… x

7 07 2010

I think you are on to something here. You may not have a PhD but what you’re saying is pretty much spot on. Thanks for being my mate as we try (and succeed) at finding middle ground!

6 07 2010
Anonymous Fat Girl

Tara, I can understand where you are coming from! But remember it’s not an all or nothing lifestyle. You can let yourself indulge here and there as long as you are in control and aware. It sounds like you did just that. Just don’t beat yourself up! You’re doing great! 🙂

7 07 2010

Thanks Bobbie. It is so much about being in control and more importantly about being aware. I need to really examine this whole “all or nothing” concept I seem to be stuck on. It just can’t be this way if I ever want to live a healthy life.

6 07 2010

About the job:

Tara, I totally know what you are going through about the job/banking situation. I wish I was in a position to help you in someway. How far are you from Ft. Lewis?

About the food/calories:
Tara, I love you. I want to smack your inner voice, though. You have created for yourself a new you. A you that has lost 63 pounds. You need to find a new inner voice. One that isnt afraid to tell the truth, but in a nicer way. This weekend, I had 4 light beers, chicken covered with bbq sauce, potatoes, and banana pudding. Do I know exactly how many calories were in everything? no. but I did my best in estimating and I ate smaller portions because i didnt know. You can do this, just tell your voice to be nice!

7 07 2010

Don’t tell anyone but I want you to smack that damn inner voice too. As far as Ft. Lewis goes, it’s practically my back yard. Okay maybe not back yard but damn close. You know it’s not called Ft. Lewis anymore though right? It’s called the “JBLM” now for Joint Base Lewis-McChord…so silly.

6 07 2010

Damn right you just keep moving. The external part of this LCJ can happen fast. Internally not so much. You will get there, and the “how” is one. day. at. a. time.

7 07 2010

You are so right on about the one.day.at.a.time.

7 07 2010
Aaron Greene

Tara, who inspires you? You say that you do not inspire yourself, so who inspires you? I’ll stand up and say that there are over 100 reasons that you inspire me. I want to hear who inspires you and someday hear that you inspire yourself.

Let’s get started. Here is how you (Tara) inspire me (Aaron and others):

100. You flip tires.

99. You wear Vibrams…and you run in them.

98. You are able to write about everything on your mind.

97. You’re trainers are super heros. You care about these guys and tell us about them.

96. You punch necks.

95. You sponser the Weekend Warrior Challenge — It keeps me on track for the weekend.

94. You travel to Cincinnati and eat Skyline Chili — That’s my hometown!

93. You don’t make lemonade, you adapt to the changes around you.

92. You are going to officially hit Onederland this week (By July 09, 2010).

91. You don’t let family and job issues stop your Life Changing Journey.

90. You introduced me to the concept of ‘Parallel Players’ — Since then, I have gotten to know 10 people at the gym by name that I have always seen, but never know. Now we look at each other, eye to eye, and say hi to each other.

89. You.Pause.When.You.Type. — This reminds me to pause when I read. Very Powerful!

88. You wear Sock Monkey Pajamas.

87. You introduced me to the term ‘Non Scale Victory’. We all have many of them and thanks to you, I think of new ones all of the time.

86. You have a bounce in your step.

85. You have run a 5K. Make that multiple 5ks!

84. You can go for 3 rounds for 3 minutes on the first time.

83. You wear a kilt.

82. You stop and thank the people who are there to support you during your runs and you take pictures of them.

81. You Start Strong, Finish Strong.

80. You Believe.

79. You introduced me to other bloggers like Brandon and Tyler.

78. You give anatomy lessons.


76. You have participated in a half marathon.

75. You get letters from your body.

… Do I need to keep on going? If I need to, I will. You know that. I think that I will pause for now and save some of the other reasons for another time. I’ll start at number 74 next time and keep on going.

I’m not saying that I can see the future, Tara, but I know that there are reasons that you inspire me that you haven’t even said yet. They are for all of the thoughts that you have yet to put on paper.

You really are Awesometastic and we all love you!

7 07 2010

Dear Aaron,

If there was ever a time I needed to see this, it is today. I’m sitting in the middle of the library using the computer to print out my resume and can hardly see the keyboard to type a response because I am crying in absolute and pure humbleness to what you just wrote. I’m going to think about what you asked (who inspires me) over the next few hours and days and I promise to write about it.

Until then know that you have given me something that I needed more than words could appropiately describe.

Thank you.

7 07 2010
Debbi Does Dinner Healthy

I totally get the stress!! It’s so easy to “inspire” someone else and say “you go! Keep positive” but SOOOOOO hard to actually take that advice myself and do it! I snacked all day, meant to eat a super light dinner, didn’t do that and am just panicked that tomorrow I have to starve to make up for today and WHAT IF I DON’T! AAAHHHH!!! I totally get it.

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