When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade…

27 06 2010

Throw the damn glass at it!!!

This post is long in coming, but has taken forever to actually leave my brain, travel down my fingers onto the keyboard and make it to this blog. I’m still at a loss for words over what has transpired over the last week or so but I also can’t just not at least try to make some sense of what can now be described only as a true wrench in my life.

Without going into too much detail, I have been relieved of my position as a video relay interpreter for Sorenson communications as of last week Wednesday. To say I’m a little shook up by the entire situation would be a severe under estimate. I’ve been with the company for almost three years to the date and I walked out of there on Wednesday feeling like nothing more than a five digit number (my interpreter number used to identify myself) that had no value to the company except to process as many calls as possible so that the upper echelon of the company could reap the benefits of my work.

I’m trying my best to stay in the moment and to use the tools I’ve learned in the last six months to keep myself grounded in today and not go off into “oh my god, what am I going to do next week, next month” mode. It’s not easy. In fact it’s downright craptastically difficult. I’m trying to refrain from disconnecting my cable, turning off my internet and asking for my money back on all the training sessions I’ve purchased. I’m trying to refrain from selling everything in my house that isn’t nailed down. I’m trying to keep my thoughts right here in front of me and remember that this is not the end of the world.

It easy to feel like it is.

To know me, is to know that everything that used to define me was wrapped up in my work. My work made me a worthwhile person. Work made me a social person. It made me feel important. It kept chaos at bay. Work was  what kept me sane. Over the course of the last six months I’ve come to understand that work not only DOES NOT define me as a person, it also cannot make my life any less complicated. My life is complicated because I allow it to be that way. So the only way to combat that is to not let it get that way. Sounds easy enough…

I’ve taken the steps to file for unemployment. I’ve continued to go to the gym everyday this week (and now that there is extra time staying for longer). I saw Coach Chuck on Friday and it was pure awesomeness. I’m reminding myself that there is some money saved up for a few months of house payments and come the end of September I’ll go back to work at the local community colleges in this area. I’m thinking about the paths I want to take in the near future and how I’m going to make sure those paths are successful while I travel on them. I’m thinking about leaving the profession of being an interpreter all together. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was in elementary school and it’s what I’ve enjoyed doing the last 10 years of my life. I’m looking to get more personal with people now. I’m not sure what that means but I want to experience the change in people that I’ve experienced over that last six months. I have something inside that needs to connect with people that feel there is no chance to live a different lifestyle. The change in me is the change possible in anyone. I want to be a part of that change, that solution, that feeling of “So this is what it means to live life”.

My husband has been extremely supportive through out this whole “holy hell I just got fired” feeling. He drove me back down to work to collect some of my things (most of which I just left behind), my food (cause you know I’m not leaving no Trader Joe’s food behind) and has been a constant ray of light reminding me that all is not lost. If unemployment comes through I should be okay for the summer time. If not, then we’ll figure out what to do at that point. I have some 401k that I can plug into if need be. I’m just going to relax over the next couple of weeks, pick up some sub work here and there, and live life the best way that I know how…

Digging Deep and then Digging Deeper!!!

  • I will not allow myself to get depressed. There is nothing to be depressed over. This is just a situation, this is not the end of the world.
  • I will not use food to make me feel better. Food is fuel. Food is not my therapist. Food is part of the solution. It is not part of the problem any longer.
  • I will not allow the old sabotaging tapes to play inside my head. I will not look in the mirror and think negative thoughts about myself. I will not look at my body and tell myself I’m ugly or fat because I am neither of these things. In fact I am 60 pounds lighter today than I was six months ago and I actually enjoy looking at myself.

  • I will continue to get out of bed and I will continue to move forward.
  • I will go to the gym everyday for at least an hour. Breaking a sweat will be a priority over the next couple of weeks. This is the most important journey of my life and it will not take a back seat for anything.
  • I will continue to see a trainer twice a week. I have 25 sessions paid for so there is no need for me to do anything but use them. Coach Chuck said he can give me at least two weeks of sessions as well before a decision has to be made about whether or not to switch over. This will put me at the end of September at which time I will re-evaluate whether to continue with trainer.
  • I will register for my triathlon and I will continue to train. My husband forbade me to even have one miniscule thought about not participating in the September triathlon. That’s why I keep him around!!!
  • I will continue to run. In fact I will be able to participate in the July 17th 10k run here on Vashon Island. I registered and then found out I had a work related workshop that I was required to attend. No work = not required.  Things are looking better already!

Life will continue to move forward. It’s only been a few days and over the course of those days I’ve felt a plethora of emotions. I’ve cried and laughed. I’ve shouted and stomped my feet like a three year old. I’ve also danced around my living room, excited over the possibilities…

Life isn’t over.

It’s just different.

Watch for that glass cause I’m giving it a good throw at life!


OWiS #26

26 06 2010

There is so much going on in my life right now (physically, emotionally and mentally) that I’m having a hard time sitting down and putting it into words. I have a much longer (more winded) post coming about this past week but need a few hours of alone time to really get it all sorted out.

Many milestones achieved with this weigh in.

Six month mark of this journey.

60 pounds loss!

Running 5 miles without stopping!

The numbers:

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
  • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
  • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
  • Week 22 = skipped
  • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
  • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
  • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
  • Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)

    Coach Chuck

    22 06 2010

    I really want to read everyone’s blog right now but also want to post about my upcoming appointment on Friday. There is no word yet on Superman as of today (Tuesday). So I’ve decided to go ahead and schedule a session with another trainer for this coming Friday. I knew who I had in mind so it was just a matter of approaching and asking for a session.

    <—- This is Coach Chuck (I’m not giving him a super hero name since I have no idea what’s happening with Superman). He’s pretty much the bee’s knee’s when it comes to trainers. I’ve watched him now for several months and if things weren’t so awesome with Superman, he’d be my next pick. I approached him today and reiterated that while I’m not jumping ship, it has been almost a month since my last training session and I’d like to at least do something while waiting to hear the outcome of Superman‘s situation. He agreed and so we set something up for Friday. Coach Chuck is a great guy and I’m really happy that he’s willing to do these interim sessions until further notice. He even agreed to not charge me since I bought the sessions thinking I was going to be with Superman.

    Hello Mr Awesome Trainer!

    Here’s the snippet on Coach Chuck:

    Work Experience-
    • 20 years- Physical Education Teacher, and Coach
    • 25 years- Kenpo Karate
    • 12 years- High School Club Volleyball Coach
    • 5 years- Athletic Club Manager and Personal Trainer
    • 4 years- High School/College Volleyball Referee

    • Nutrition & Menu planning
    • Cardiovascular Conditioning
    • Increasing Flexibility
    • Weight Loss Management
    • Strength & Conditioning
    • Personal Motivation
    • Balance, Agility, Coordination

    • NASM- Certified Personal Trainer
    • 5th Degree Black Belt-Kenpo Karate
    • 4 time High School-Volleyball, COACH OF THE YEAR!
    • CPR/AED Certified

    and his Philosophy:
    I believe a trainer’s job is more than to just instruct their clients on proper body alignment, nutrition, and the correct use of equipment. A trainer should be a life coach; someone who cares about the whole person, not just their physical body. As a Trainer, I try to understand my client’s lifestyle; their likes, dislikes, their background, and their goals. I then model their training with those elements in mind. My goal is to first understand, then teach, inspire, and motivate. My background as a coach has taught me that lasting change does not come when you tell a person what to do, but only when you teach them how to do it. My goal, during the time I spend with my clients, is to design a program that they can enjoy and teach them how to take positive steps towards lasting changes; to teach them life skills that will last a life time…

    Yhea, pretty much rockstar right there.

    So Friday it is, unless Superman says something different.

    New classes / The run that almost wasn’t / Superman

    21 06 2010

    I made some immediate goals for this past weekend. One was to spend at least 90 minutes at the gym both Saturday and Sunday. The other was to try the some new classes offered at the gym. To know me is to know I don’t do well in social situations. I avoid them like the plague. But this strange thing is happening now that I’ve been on this LCJ for almost six months.

    I kind of don’t want to avoid them anymore.

    I kind of want to be around people now. I’m not looking to have some serious parties at my house anytime soon, but I am definitely interested in spending more time with the masses. I am what is typically known as a “parallel player”. If you’ve  ever watched a group of children play house and notice one child sort of playing in the same area but separately from the group (maybe playing a one child version of house) and they do it often, they would be “parallel players”.  Most children grow out of it. I however, did not. I can go to Starbucks alone for hours and sit amongst the people. Sit with someone and it’s over in about 30 minutes. I can go to the mall and roam around for endless hours. Go shopping with me and maybe I’ll hit one store. I spend far too much time wondering about the logistics of the visit (how long, when is it over, what do we talk about) that I often don’t enjoy the visit. Some of my friends are very good at having structured visits but even those are few and far between.

    I am ready to move out of my comfort zone.

    It wasn’t even really a comfort zone I guess. More of a prison with the walls built out of Depression / Anxiety / Self Loathing. So it’s time I start to look into improving my social skills. Since I am comfortable at the gym (again a great parallel play situation) I thought I’d start there. I picked two classes happening last Sunday back to back: Step and Yoga.

    The Step class was pretty awesome. Fast paced and not a whole lot of opportunity to shake anyone’s hand and say “Hi my name is Tara and I’m trying to be social”. I got some good laughs with the woman in front of me as we both stuggled to keep up with the moves. I did place myself in the back (I’m assuming that’s where the newbies go) so that also made it harder to interact but I was there and I stayed for the entire class (Go me!).

    The Yoga class was even better. I did this class a few weeks ago but put myself way in the back of the room. It had a fill in instructor that week. I ventured a little closer to the front this time (not too close though) but the  regular instructor had everyone move up into a straight line right up front (GULP!) and then she asked if anyone was new to Yoga which I raised my little non-social hand. The woman next to me introduced herself and said she’d been doing Yoga for years so to ask if she had any questions.

    Ninety minutes later I was done and had just participated in two successful classes. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t spend the entire time wondering what everyone else was thinking. I didn’t wonder about what I was going to say if someone approached me. I didn’t wonder if I was doing something wrong. I didn’t obsess over the clock. I participated to the best of my abilities.

    I just was.

    And it was awesome!


    I’ve been having a mental block about running lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I’m quickly loving it more and more with better weather and more time to actually get out there and “kiss the earth” (Thanks Jess!). I’ve broken in my vibrams and within the first week of actually running in them I ran a 5k without stopping (first time ever). My mental block is with distance. I’ve been stuck at that 3.1 mark and too afraid to go past it. I can’t really explain why but for weeks now I’ve been mentally trying to break free from the 5k length.  I’m watching all my other VBB(s) that took up running and I see them adding more miles to their runs and I’m wondering why I can’t do the same.

    Last night after reading Ed’s blog (Monday315) and his 10 mile running challenge I started really examining that mental block. I just needed to get out there and run past the 3.1 in much the same way I needed to run to the 3.1 when I first started the c25k program. I need to know I’m not restricted to just doing a 5k. I need to know I can go farther. No let me rephrase that I have to know. So last night I mapped out a route that would not only take me past 3.1 but would put me pretty far from my starting point once I hit that 3.1 mark. I’ve gone farther in the past but there was a lot of walking involved. I don’t want to walk anymore. I want to run and run the entire time.

    I went to bed with the anticipation of kicking this 3.1 in the ass.

    I woke up sore as hell.

    My 120 flights of stairs  a few days previous and attempt at being social caught up to me and my calves had a different idea about running past that mental block. Bummed out I went to the gym with the notion of just doing something low key for an hour and then heading into work.

    I hopped on the treadmill and thought “well I’ll just walk” for a bit. About 10 minutes into the walk, it donned on me: MY CALVES DON’T HURT! It didn’t take me but a quick wave to the lady at the front desk and a exclamation of “I’ll be back in about an hour” and I was out the door. I had the route laid out (starting point – gym – smart Tara) so it was just a matter of shutting my brain off and turning my legs on.

    I shut that brain off.

    I turned those legs on.

    I ran 5.0 miles.

    I didn’t stop. I didn’t complain. I just did it. I drifted in and out of thinking about what I was doing (more out than in lol) and it was delicious. Once I hit that 3.1 mark I knew the only thing I could do was keep running. I’m not a walker. I’m a runner. I woke up this morning and ran 5.0 miles. I didn’t walk/run. I ran. Once I made my way back to the gym: I cried.

    I’m sure everyone in the gym thought something was wrong, but I was crying because I broke that mental block. I was crying because I wanted something and I went out and got it!

    GAME ON!!!

    Every time I run I won’t be thinking about that 3.1 number anymore. I’ll be thinking about better numbers: 10k, 12k, half marathon and beyond!


    I haven’t heard from Superman since he canceled last Friday. In fact, no one has heard from him. This can’t be good. I talked with another trainer and he said if I come in and he’s not with a client he’ll do a session with me. I’m not looking to switch and leave Superman, but it has been almost a month since our last session together. Granted much of that time was vacation related but he’s never not called before so I’m thinking something serious has come up. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow I’m going to set up an appointment with Chuck for Thursday. From there we’ll just play it by ear until we know whether or not Superman is coming back.

    OWiS #25

    19 06 2010

    I went to bed thinking there wouldn’t be much of a loss. The last thing I thought about before drifting into la-la land was how I felt when I crossed over the finish line last Saturday and knew I had beat my last time by 40 seconds. I think my body got excited by the thoughts of running and went to the dream gym and gave me one last workout before this morning’s weigh in:

    The numbers:

    • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
    • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
    • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
    • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
    • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
    • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
    • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
    • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
    • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
    • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
    • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
    • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
    • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
    • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0)
    • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
    • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
    • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
    • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
    • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
    • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
    • Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
    • Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
    • Week 22 = skipped
    • Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) over the course of two weeks
    • Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) switched over to new scale
    • Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)

    My goals have always come in increments of five pounds. I have achieved almost 12 goals since the beginning of this LCJ. Up to this point my goals have always had the number “2” in front of them. Today I get to say for the first time that my next goal weight has a “1” in front of it. That’s right baby 199!!!!

    People have asked me what my “reward” will be for hitting Onederland. Being called overweight and knowing I’m adding years to my life instead of taking them away with destructive behavior is the reward. Oh and maybe a trip to Vegas!

    Pre OWiS #25 week in review!

    18 06 2010

    It’s that time again.

    Time where I review my week in anticipation of tomorrow OWiS. This will be #25 since starting this journey. This week has seen some great accomplishments and yet tonight I feel out of sorts. I was supposed to meet with Superman today but he had to cancel at the last minute. With the both of us being on vacation we’ve not been able to get together for just under three weeks. I was really looking forward to today but understand his need to cancel. So tonight I’m feeling a little let down and trying not to get all bummed out and what not.

    Lets get to the good stuff!

    Saturday: I ran my second 5k and got a personal best time of 37:00. Here are some of the pictures from the race!

    Sunday: I started breaking in my Vibrams with a short one mile run on the treadmill (fastest mile thus far). I also signed up for a 10k that was scheduled to happen July 17th but as with all new runners we have to remember to double-check our schedules and NOT just willy nilly sign up for races. I did, and then realized I have prior work engagements. CRAP! No worries though, that 10k will happen and it will happen soon!

    Monday: Ran two miles in my vibrams!

    Tuesday: Found out I have a bounce in my step and can unequivocally declare I am no longer a “functioning depressed” person. I also ran 2.8 miles in my vibrams.

    Wednesday: Was the first of two cancellations by Superman this week. Big bummer on my side. I took it as a sign from the Universe to take a rest day and catch up on my sleep. 11 hours worth of zzz’s was totally worth it.

    Thursday: Took my vibrams out and ran a personal 5k. From Saturday to Thursday I ran a total of 12 miles. Not bad for a fat chick that couldn’t run a block to save her life back in January. Oh I also got some swag and had a kick ass N(on) S(cale) V(ictory).

    Today: I got the second cancellation from Superman. He left me a really nice message apologizing profusely and to not give up on him. Funny, I never would have thought working out with me meant that much to him. I feel sad that he has to keep canceling because I know he feels bad and I know it’s for medical reasons. This is the kind of guy I would go out and drink beers with, talk about fishing or go to monster trucks with so I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.  Barring some horrific medical problem (I hope I didn’t just jinx him) I’m sure he’s not going anywhere either.

    So there is my week in review. Ten-toed Charlie hasn’t really moved that much for me this week. I can’t say for sure whether there will be a loss or not. Up until this morning there wasn’t enough of a change to write home about.  Regardless of what TTC says I’m thrilled with the running mileage and even more thrilled to be wearing my sock monkey Christmas pajamas (which I will probably wear every day until I turn 50)

    See you all in the morning!

    N(on) S(cale) V(ictory) / swag!

    17 06 2010

    I think the world of weight loss blogging needs to have more NSV (non-scale victory) so I’m adding my own to today’s post. In December of 2009, my niece (who I am absolutely obsessed over and would punch a brother in the face if they hurt her in any way) bought me the cutest pair of pajamas for Christmas.

    Now to know me is to know that I love pajamas. If there is ever a time you need to buy me a gift, you can NEVER go wrong with pajamas. I was so stoked to get these and when I checked the size (XXL) I thought for sure I’d be wearing them the very night I got them.  Boy would I be wrong. While I could get the pajama bottoms to go over my thighs there was no way they’d make the first attempt to sit in a chair.  The shirt wouldn’t button at all. The cutest pajamas in the world had just looked me in the face and said “no way fatty, not tonight and not any time soon!”.

    I was confused because all my other xxl pajamas fit just fine. These were an anomaly and my first real experience with the notion of just because it says it’s a size ## doesn’t mean it’s the same as the others. I was devastated. I felt horrible about my body and didn’t have the heart to tell my niece they didn’t fit. I folded them up and put them in the back of some dark drawer never to be thought about again…or at least I didn’t want to think about them again.

    A few months ago (263 —–>233ish) I decided to pull them out and give them a whirl. The pants fit much better. Still a little tight in the thighs but doable if I really wanted to wear them. The shirt? I could button it but I couldn’t move my arms to save my life. To quote Chris Farley I was a “Fat man in a little suit”. Okay, feeling better but still frustrated so back they went into the drawer for another day.

    That day was yesterday.

    I don’t believe for a second that these were ever meant to be labeled as xxl (unless they are using anorexic supermodels for their sizing charts). All I know is I put those cute sock monkey gingerbread pajamas on and they fit like a beautiful pair of pajamas should fit. I almost wanted to go out and buy a faux Christmas tree and re-enact what should have been a cozy Christmas night around the fire place. Instead I just curled up with my dog there (that’s Makenzie) and thought: “I can’t wait for next Christmas”!

    Tell me one of your NSV!


    I got a great package from Tricia over at FightFatPhobia after entering her giveaway a few weeks ago. It was a total fluke too. It was her first post I’d ever read and she had so many entries I thought for sure it was pointless but I left my comments anyways and then quickly realized how much I loved her blog. She so effin raw and if you know anything about my blog, I like to just put it out there for the world to read and I admire those that do the same.

    I was so freakin excited to get my package and after opening it up and being showered with total awesomeness I wanted to share it with everyone! I’m just going to post the pictures so enjoy! And P.S. if you’re not reading her blog then you are totally missing out!