Catching up…

28 05 2010

Oh what a difference falling down, spraining your ankle, having an emotional break down, having your husband get rear ended while on the way home from work and 24 hours makes on your psyche.

I had a plan of action put in place yesterday.

I’ve decided to change it.

That’s what I like about this journey.

It’s mine.

I said I wasn’t going to blog until Monday. Or log my food for that matter. I got some very good advice from some very wise people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting since starting this adventure and after hearing what they had to say I’ve decided that I’m actually not going to take a break (Hello Miss Obvious) from either of these two things.

I made some quick decisions based purely on emotions. I wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers over me and wait until the storm passed. I can’t do that anymore. I am the storm. I won’t just pass. I’m here for the long haul and hiding under the blankets won’t make me go away any sooner.

Cozy Yes!

Healthy No!

When I stood in front of the mirror on December 29th 2009 and made a commitment to make a lifestyle change I thought it would be a slow process. Even though I set a goal to lose 100 pounds I had in my mind it would take forever. I thought I’d lose a few pounds a month, ease into some physical activity and slowly but surely see the changes I so longed to have.

I started reading a few blogs about people losing a significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time and I thought “Well look at them. How lucky. That won’t be me for sure.”

Then I lost a few pounds.

Then I lost more

Five months later I’m down 50 pounds and I realized I am one of those people who have lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time.

I was not mentally/emotionally prepared for that.

My body took off like a rocket. My mind took off like molasses on a cold winter morning. I woke up this week and realized I no longer recognize the woman that stands before me in the mirror. At the same time that I know it’s me, I don’t know it’s me. My body is at 212 pounds. My mind is still at the 263 pound starting gate wondering what the hell just happened.

My body is here:

(size 24 —–> 16)

(263 —–> 212)

My mind is still here:

and here:

I look in the mirror and I keep expecting that person up there to be looking back at me.  She’s gone and I’m in this weird mourning stage.  I didn’t think I’d have to say goodbye so quickly and in turn say hello to someone I’ve never met before.

I thought I had time.

My body thought something else.

So here I am today. Not really sure how I feel about losing the weight so quickly and losing the one person I loved so much but didn’t love at all.  My body wants to move and run and sweat. My mind wants to cry and mourn and throw a tantrum for being forced to adjust so quickly.  I didn’t understand just how far behind my mind is on this journey until I went shopping yesterday. The pants that I had recently purchased had become to big for me and so I ventured to my local second-hand clothing store.

The first place I went was the size 20 rack.

I stopped wearing a size 20 over a month ago.

But there I was looking through the rack expecting to find something to fit. I had to stop myself and say out loud “Tara, you don’t wear a size 20 anymore. Move on and let it go.” I moved to the next aisle and aimlessly looked through the size 18 rack.

Tara, you don’t wear a size 18 anymore. Move on and let it go

Okay seriously, who cries when they get to move down a new clothing size rack? Well apparently I do cause I moved over to the size 16 with tears in my eyes and my heart beating fast. I picked out six pairs. My mind was already made up that none of them would fit (even though the 18’s I was currently wearing needed a belt). I take them into the fitting room and just looked at myself for a few minutes.  My body knew what was going to happen. My mind couldn’t wrap itself around the notion. I stand in front of the full length mirror and look at what my body knows, but my mind can’t comprehend.

Smaller hips.

Smaller thighs.

Smaller calves.

Smaller stomach.

Smaller everything.

I couldn’t bring myself to put on any of the  pairs of 16 pants  I had grabbed because my mind was so convinced they wouldn’t fit. My body was like “Oh come on already, it’s kind of creepy to be standing here half-naked for so long. I mean seriously can we get it together and make a move?” I had to finally say to myself that I didn’t expect them all to fit. If one fits that would be enough for me and I could leave the store. I grab the first pair, close my eyes and pull them up.

They fit.

I open my eyes and look in the mirror.

For the first time since December of 2009, my mind is finally catching up to what my body knows is happening. For the first time in this five month journey my mind starts to recognize that person in front of the mirror staring back. It is in that moment the epiphany hits me (I sort of wish I was on the elliptical when it happened): My mind and body are strangers to one another.

I try on the next five pairs and sure enough they all fit.

I pick out the five pairs I like the best (six just seemed a little too greedy) and stepped out of the fitting room a different person. A little more like 212 pound person. Less like a 263 pound person. A little more like a size 16 person. Less like a size 24 person. I know it’s going to take time for my mind to fully understand what’s going on. I will take more time to look in the mirror to help my mind get to know the person standing there.  I will have more out loud conversations with myself every time my mind forgets the direction in which my body is traveling.

I feel better emotionally today than I did at the beginning of the week.

I am still going to stay away from the gym to let my ankle heal up. I’ve decided that I’m going to check out the yoga class on Sunday so I can use my kick ass Yoga mat I won a few weeks ago from Jeremy and Aurorae Yoga. I’ve taken my much needed nap and found my indulgence (a scoop of spumoni ice cream). I’m still going to skip the weigh in tomorrow (though there is a slight loss) and I will sleep in tomorrow until I see double digits on the clock.

Most importantly I will work on the friendship between mind and body.

After all they’re in this together.

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23 responses

28 05 2010
ringaroundrinn

I’m in a similar predicament at the moment, Tara. It’ll be 4 months since I started this journey in about 2 weeks and I’m not *seeing* my body. I’ve lost 44.4 as of Friday morning. But I don’t see it.

It’s something my sister and I have been talking about today. And something I wil be blogging about further on tomorrow.

I hope you enjoy the yoga class as much as I do. It isn’t a high burn, but I owe a lot of muscle, flexibility, endurance, and peace of mind to yoga.

-Rinn

31 05 2010
263andcounting

It wasn’t too bad…

I’ll definitely be giving it another go round.

28 05 2010
Mad Woman

WOW What a huge breakthrough! I’m down 44 pounds but I still have about 120 to go…so I’m still able to revel in my changing body because I’ve only dropped a couple sizes. But you, I can see why it’s such a hard thing to wrap your brain around.

Well done on getting your thoughts sorted as far as this goes though.

Hope your hubby is ok!

31 05 2010
263andcounting

44 pounds is awesome!

You have a great looking blog too!

29 05 2010
Meegan

Tara this is a mammoth amazing realization weekend you’re having. Maybe the ankle happened to force a slow down long enough for you mind to catch up a little with where your body has taken you.

The pants progression is incredible! You are taking these huge strides in the direction of the life you want and its been very fast for you it makes perfect sense that your mind needs a little more time to connect.

Take your time this weekend, do what feels right, be careful with that ankle and keep moving in your new direction! I hope the husband is okay after the accident…

PS – this was definitely the exact kind of week that a bottle of wine and great conversation with a friend would help! if only we were next door…

31 05 2010
263andcounting

Thanks Meegan. I’m feeling much more conscious about my path. Last week was tough but you can’t move forward until you conquer all those mountains!

I went shopping for shorts this weekend too and am out of the 40’s.

So many more clothes to buy when you’re shopping in the 30’s

29 05 2010
Brandon

Congrats on starting to learn to accept the 212 lb version of you! And congrats on finding all those smaller close to fit you, that’s a great feeling! Actually, I’m just assuming it’s a great feeling, because I’m still wearing all my old clothes 🙂 I definitely need to get some smaller clothes, but I also can’t afford to replace my entire wardrobe, so maybe just a couple pants and shirts, we’ll see…

31 05 2010
263andcounting

I can’t afford it either so value village has become my shopping center. Slowly but surely everything will get replaced…maybe only to have to do it again lol.

29 05 2010
seattlerunnergirl

Amen, sister! It is *so* hard when the heart lags behind the mind, which is my way of articulating what you’re going through. It causes some serious discord and discomfort, but you are walking talking proof that you get come through that stronger and wiser. I’m so excited for you on the size 16s but, more importantly, on all the “parts” of you syncing up so you feel at home in your body, mind, and heart.

31 05 2010
263andcounting

Am feeling much more synched. I’m pretty excited too now that it’s all starting to really come together!

29 05 2010
anne

tara you’re a SUPERSTAR! Seems the ankle gave you a breather to recalibrate mind and body. Why not build such an activity/breather into your routine? Say at every 30lbs lost? This way you can save your ankle the hassle.
still lu.

31 05 2010
263andcounting

Damn ankle!

Note to self: next time i need a breather, don’t use ankle for excuse.

30 05 2010
jord

Redefining “self” is a huge job. It seems especially hard when there is a major shift (like 50 lbs in 5 months!!!!!). I love the picture of your pants stacked up. I hope you had fun at yoga & that your ankle heals quickly. I’m assuming your husband is okay? I hope the insurance company plays nice (and does it quickly).

31 05 2010
263andcounting

Insurance not only is playing nice but it only took them a day to decide that they would pay for everything since their driver was at fault 100%

31 05 2010
Anonymous Fat Girl

Congratulations girl, you are REALLY doing this! 🙂

31 05 2010
263andcounting

WE are really doing this!!!

31 05 2010
Molly

Tara, I know exactly how you feel. The first time it hit me that I lost weight and I needed to move down a couple sizes was soo weird! I remember I was at an old navy trying shirts and shorts on for the summer and I couldn’t believe how much weight was gone on my body and how awesome I looked in my outfits-woot woot! Love the pics of your transformation-You inspire me everyday and I LOVE reading your blog-Keep doin work mama!

31 05 2010
263andcounting

One of the sweaters I picked up at value village last week was a size L from the gap!!!

SAY WHA?

I can shop at the Gap?

I CAN SHOP AT THE GAP!!!!

31 05 2010
Molly

I wear a Large now too! But I am gettin smaller and may have to go to a size medium soon- Oh snap!

31 05 2010
263andcounting

OH SNAP!

31 05 2010
Ed

I can totally relate to everything you just wrote. you are totally rockin this journey. It is your journey and you can do whatever you want! I still have issues at the store. So much so that my wife forced me to go to the store because I was still wearing my clothes from 68 pounds ago.

31 05 2010
263andcounting

Ed, don’t wait for your wife to push you out the door. That’s what happen to me. I was pretty much going gansta style for a little too long!

31 05 2010
Sarah (Fat Little Legs)

All I can say is that I have so been there… I felt like I was having deja vu reading this. I have been in that very same dressing room practically “fighting” with the lady in the mirror. It took me a much longer time than you to have my mind start making the change. I am so happy that yours was faster :0)

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