OWiS #19….the streak is over.

8 05 2010

I knew it when I wrote yesterday’s post that today would be the first time in this journey that I would have a gain. You try to not let it get to you but it’s hard. I try to say “it’s only 2.2 pounds” but with what’s been happening to me this week it feels like a ton. I try to stay in the moment but I can hear that old tape recorder warming up in my head saying things like “I knew you would gain eventually”, “All that hard work and still you failed”, “Everyone knows you can’t do this”, “You’re so lazy”, “I hate you”….

I shouldn’t be this emotional over such a small number but I’m not going to lie to you. I am. I know it’s much more than that as well. I know I should be working towards letting this past week go and looking toward next week as I work through this situation with my brother. If ever I needed the ability to dig in my heels, draw the line and get back to business it’s this week.

  • Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
  • Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
  • Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
  • Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
  • Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
  • Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
  • Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
  • Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
  • Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
  • Week 10 = 240.6  (-.4)
  • Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
  • Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
  • Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0)
  • Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
  • Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
  • Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
  • Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
  • Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
  • Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *The situation
  • The day’s between Week 18 and Week 19 were extremely stressful. Emotionally I managed to keep my head above water. In the past this wouldn’t have happened. I would  have sat in a cesspool of feelings that did nothing but keep me down. I went to the gym everyday this week regardless of my emotional state and as soon as I post this I’m putting my gym bag together to go and swim until I cry (which really considering how I’m feeling right now the crying will start in about 3 seconds).

    The hardest part about this is my weigh in on Monday with Superman. There will be a gain and I feel like I want to lie and say “I ate too much” (which I didn’t, if anything I didn’t eat enough this week) because I don’t know how to say “it’s stress gain” without having an emotional breakdown.

    I know I probably sound like a whiny baby. I feel like it for sure. There’s so much more to this than just those damn 2.2 pounds. I will stay in the moment. I will move forward. I do not weigh 263 pounds any longer. The scale does not define me. I will fight. I will allow myself to feel. I will let go. I will be free.

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    16 responses

    8 05 2010
    Anonymous Fat Girl

    Hugs to you sweetie. You’re doing a GREAT job and you should keep sight of that. It’s okay to be upset about a gain but I think what separates you from others is that instead of giving up your going to hit it that much harder. I’m sure you’ll see a big loss next week. Keep at it! 🙂

    8 05 2010
    263andcounting

    You better believe it’s gonna get hit real hard next week…screw next week, I’m starting today!

    8 05 2010
    jord

    You absolutely don’t sound like a whiny baby. You’ve been through a week that came to you straight from Dante’s 9th level of Hell. The fact that you didn’t curl up in a corner with a blanket over your head is a victory in and of itself. I’m with AFG- you and Superman are gonna work that gain right back off!

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    Thanks Sharla. I would have curled up if I had a linus blanket cause you just can’t refuse a good curl up with that thing.

    8 05 2010
    Molly

    Tara, I know how you feel. I have gained and lost weight throughout my journey too. It sucks. It’s like the scale is playing mind games with you. You can either let that damn scale win or you can say- well there is always this week. It is hard at times, but just keep on going. Everyone has stressful times and for me this week sucked because I was literally sick and had no energy. I forced myself to work out yesterday-it felt good but man my body was yelling at me. You just gotta shake it off and just keep on doing what you do. I have faith that you will kick ass this week 🙂

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    Here’s to a better week for both of us Miss Molly!

    8 05 2010
    Meegan

    T – You are not a whiny baby. Absolutely not. You are just experiencing genuine feelings. I had this fear the same thing would happen to me today on the scale. Life has been stressful (although not in quite the same realm you’ve been experiencing) here too and I figured it would result in a gain for me too. I know I would be feeling the same way you are.

    But listen, DO NOT judge yourself by that number on the scale. This is not a set back. Its just life. When things happen you have to make the best of the situation, and this week you did that. You sweat-ed out a lot of your pain and emotion and you kept things in balance as best as humanly possible. Give yourself some serious credit for that. Take your control back and keep moving on in the direction you know you want. Your progress is SO much bigger than that number. Your progress has been HUGE – think of all of the other gauges of your success – how much stronger you are, how much faster you are, how much more you balanced you in your choices. That means so much more than the number.

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    You just always have the right words!

    8 05 2010
    Kelli

    You are not a whiny butt. Screw the damn scale. It doesn’t mean a thing. What does mean a thing is those battle scars and your much much stronger body. You are a strong woman. I believe in you. 🙂

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    Thanks Kelli…I need this for those days I don’t believe in myself.

    9 05 2010
    Brandon

    I know it can be very discouraging to see a gain on the scale, but you’ve just got to keep it all in perspective. Just look at how far you’ve already come! In the big scheme of things, 2.2 pounds is NOTHING. It’s ok to have a little slip here and there, as long as you don’t let that become the norm. You can TOTALLY overcome this, and come back kicking ass next week! 🙂

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    I pouted for 24 hours…now time for WWOPD!

    10 05 2010
    Vinny

    Keep up the great work Tara. Oh and if you feel yourself getting down again from a slight weight gain, read your post to my blog last week and say to yourself…WWOPD. Now go pop open a big can of whoop ass soldier and don’t look back! :p

    10 05 2010
    263andcounting

    Aye Aye Captain!!!!

    11 05 2010
    seattlerunnergirl

    I’m reading this late and just wanted to say I’m thinking of you, I get it, and I’m sending you hugs. A gain sucks, especially when you can’t say, “Oh, I overate, that’s an easy thing to correct this week.” Emotional stuff ISN’T easy to correct and it’s not fun to deal with a gain on top of all you’ve been going through. But HANG IN THERE – you know it will come off, and you sure as shit didn’t come this far to let this get you down. At least not for any longer than the above-mentioned 24-hour-pout-fest. 🙂

    11 05 2010
    263andcounting

    Thanks Val. I am feeling quite a bit more clear headed. The scale is starting to agree with me again, albeit very slowly but I’ll take what I can get this week.

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